On the seventh day of Christmas....

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?


Ans: A Christmas Quacker

*groan*

Good news today, Chris Froome has been awarded an OBE for his services to sporting in general, cycling in particular, and not just for his technical expertise in winning le Tour TWICE (stick that up your jumper, ASO!) but for " the dignified manner in which he dealt with" the doping allegations and pressure this year. Yay! Go, Froomey! Go, Sky!


Pic: RadioQuack Duck - with Captain Coug pirate hat.

On the sixth day of Christmas....

.. someone had to ask:

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?


Ans: A Holly Davidson


News in the cycling world today that disgraced former (briefly) Schlecklander pet Luca Paolini has presented the anti-doping authorities with what is possibly the worst ever defence.

He admitted to "doing" cocaine (stupid boy) but said that he only did it to overcome his addiction to sleeping pills.

*facepalm*

His defence, if you can call it that, is that members of the peloton have to take sleeping pills during the Tour, otherwise they just can't get enough sleep,  what with gruelling race days, wear and tear on the body (not to mention crash damage), incessant transfers, sub-standard hotels (you might remember that ASO banned the use of campervans for "star" riders after Richie Porte admitted that having his own private RV was wonderful...), noise, drug testing etc. So they take sleeping pills in order to get some kip.

However, as is the case with almost all drugs, including alcohol, caffeine and chocolate (*laughs*) they are addictive, which means you reach a point where you can't manage without them, and at the same time, you need higher and higher doses to achieve the same level of enjoyment/relaxation/stupefaction. So you take more and more of them. So you can't wake up in the morning, having taken enough sleeping stuff to lay out a small elephant... so you need something stronger than a cup of coffee to get you going again. Hence the cocaine, Paolini said, although he apparently said that all this occurred in the lead-up to the Tour, not actually AT the Tour. He said.

Do we believe him? Well, not really - he is a Dark Lord, after all. It was foolish and short-sighted of me to promote him to Schlecklander pet *rolls eyes* and I promise I will be more discriminating in future...

Meanwhile: today's Christmas Schleckland Archive Pic: Andy Schleck naked. Check it out!

"Dude! Where's my bike?"

On the fifth day of Christmas....

...it came to pass that another Truly Awful Christmas Joke appeared:

What do sheep say at Christmas?

Ans: Merry Christmas to Ewe.


Pic: Ma Vache du Tour!

On the fourth day of Christmas....

.....What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?

Ans: anything you want, he can't hear you.


Pic: "Don't cwy, Uncle Andy..."

On the third day of Christmas...

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?

Ans: Frost bite.


Hmm, not the best of jokes, I would agree.

Pic: going away for the the weekend, with my Leopard Trek musette.

On the second day of Christmas...

And today's joke is:

What is every parents' favourite Christmas carol?

Ans: Silent Night.

Pic: my second-generation Leopard-Trek flags, hanging up in my stairwell:

On the first day of Christmas....

Bad news, Schlecklanders, LLB gave me an advent calender with a Truly Dreadful Christmas Joke on each window. (And a small piece of chocolate, to make up for it.)

I expect that many cycling fans are, like me, slightly lost for cycling-related things to do in the off season, apart from those of you that are mad enough to get out there and ride a bike yourselves (Jen, that means you) .

So I have decided to provide a Truly Dreadful Joke for every one of the 12 days of Christmas, and possibly longer if I get any good jokes in my crackers this year.

And possibly a random photo from my blog's archive....

So here is the first one:

How do snowmen get about?

Answer: they ride an icycle.

Pic: Andy Schleck rocking the shades.

Shock Schleck Divorce!

Honestly, the quality of cycling journalism does leave something to be desired: I read a story in the cyling news a couple of days ago, about what Our Andy is up to these days: apparently he is very sensibly using the time before he opens his bike shop in Itzig, in learning how to manage a business.

He is doing that by working for TinkerJil's father, in his swimming-pool installation business. He is following the standard business model of spending time in each department, learning about taking orders, invoicing, credit control, quality, project management etc etc .

All well and good, we think.

But the report says that he is working for his step-father.

Step-father???

This can only mean that Gabi has divorced Johnny, and remarried. Hmm, that seems a bit unlikely.

Or, maybe, it's just sloppy journalism: the phrase they were looking for is, I would suggest, Father-in-Law.

Not that he has actually married TinkerJil, as far as I can tell - he still refers to her as his partner and not his wife, and there certainly haven't been any photos. Come on Andy, marry her!

Drone footage of cycle races - no thank you!

In the past few months there have been calls for more "exciting" race footage, in particular on-bike cameras (which give a scarily realistic view of the quiet but deadly proximity of the other riders) and drones.

Now, I had my reservations about drones right from the start - they are so close to the remote-controlled cars of my childhood, and I still have the ghosts of the bumped shins to remember them by, not to mention the number of damaged skirting boards and furniture legs.

Then we moved on to radio controlled aircraft, or "crashing in three dimensions" as it was known.

At least drones are built on helicopter technology, so the operator can let them hover if they need to, for example, blow their nose, sneeze, answer a question, drink a cup of coffee etc.

But cycle races go rushing along the road at scary speeds, so the operator needs to stay within range: how exactly was that going to work? On the back of a moto? Seriously? All it takes is one minor hold-up and the drone is out of range, uncontrolled, and whee! splat! this happens:

Skier Marcel Hirsher almost decapitated by falling drone.


In case that link doesn't work, it's footage of a downhill skier being very nearly slaughtered by a drone that plummets out of the sky, missing him by about a foot and a half, and at the speed he was going, a fraction of a second later could have ended his career, if not his life.

This is the moment it hit the ground, and if you bear in mind that he was really shifting, it can only have missed him by the narrowest of margins.

And the photo is not deceptive, it's not a little hand-sized thing, it's about the size of his body, plus rotors and exterior frameword, antenna etc.

So no, Mr UCI and Mr ASO, we most certainly do not want bloody dangerous drones zipping around over the peleton!

Thank you!

The Jakob and LouLou Special

Thanks to BikeGirl's excellent stalking skills investigative journalism, we now know that Jakob "Bunny-Ears" Fuglsang, long time buddy of OGL, has married his long-term girlfriend, LouLou Schinker.

Just to remind you of what he looks like:

*pause while we all get our breath back. Damn! That is a good-looking boy!*

..and now to remind you of what LouLou looks like:

Three different girls? No, all the same one. Or is it one of these?

The middle one is the most familiar one, that's a good look for her - the right hand one is a bit scary but maybe she was being told to do "stern secretary" or "amateur dominatrix"?  Perhaps that's the advantage of dating a model, you get several different looks, from the same girl. 

Regardless of which of the many version of LouLou there are, here is the one he married:

...and yes, this pic was stolen from the internet.

You can tell it's LouLou as she seems to have a characteristic way of standing, when she's not being directed,  with her shoulders slightly hunched and her head to one side. Probably a legacy of being a tall girl all her life?

Pity she didn't get one of her usual photographers to do the wedding, he would have had no compunction about shouting "LouLou! Sweetie! Shoulders! SHOULDERS! Better. Chin DOWN! That's it, lovely, lovely!"

Oh, and look at who's in the photo with them? (Is this the reason I picked this photo to use? Noooo!) Yes, it's Our Glorious Leader, Andy Schleck, along with TinkerJil (I like the curls, Jil, nice!) and baby Teo, who at this early age looks just like his mum. Perhaps he'll turn into a mini-Andy later on.

If you are at all interested in "WAGs of pro cylists", by the way, you might like to check out this unreadable site which, I think, is some sort of top 20 best-looking cycling WAGs. They certainly picked the raunchiest photo of LouLou! And yet they showed the lovely Peta (I like her) Todd/Cavendish fully clothed? Weird... but as I can't read the text, I don't understand the context, as it were.

So there we go, the lovely Jakob is married!

"How about finding us a new glorious leader?" said CeCe

Well, I did try: Pierre Rolland was my "pet" of the Tour this year,  which you might remember if you read my report on Stage 8, although LLB did point out that his riding style was somewhat reminiscent of Our Glorious Leader...  which I thought simply showed that I was actually a serious cycling fan, with a leaning towards good climbers, akshually. *laughs*

But Pierre, pet though he is, can't compare with Andy for style, or for general nice-ness. *sigh*

I suppose that, as I don't know anyone suitable for the position of New Glorious Leader (unless Jakob Bunny-Ears Fuglsang leaves Ass-t'na and goes to a decent non-doping team, takes over as protected rider and once again illuminates the room with a yellow glow), I would have to find and nurture one from the unknown up-and-coming riders. Who all seem so young.....

Meanwhile, somewhere in Luxembourg:

*sounds of typing*

TinkerJil: "What are you doing, love?"
Andy: (mutters out loud as he types) "Chapter one: early days. How I got my first bike before I got my first set of braces..."

TdF2015 Final Day

I can't believe that three weeks are almost over, and le Tour is on the final day - it's no more than a parade, as usual, and it's ending even earlier than normal today, as the race organisers have agreed that final times will be taken at the first crossing of the finish line - that's with 61k to go, before all the circuits on the Champs Elysees. This means that the GC contenders can trundle merrily up to that point then relax, leaving the sprinters to whizz off if they wish to risk life and limb in the wet, greasy, slippery cobbles of the final circuit.

Our Eurosport coverage starts well, Carlton Kirby is clearly desperate for things to talk about, so I tweeted him:

And yesss! He said it on Eurosport!!

I can't believe - *shakes head in despair* - that I have spent the last six years tweeting to all the various commentators about Andy, with practically no response: and now, suddenly, just as I am giving it all up, I become flavour of the month and this Tour is clearly the Cougar Girl Tour!

How ironic.

Getting back to the race, all went well, Froomey made it to the podium, Sulky Sagan got a jersey,  and the lovely Jakob "Bunny Ears" Fuglsang came in safely, 23rd in the GC, not bad, eh?!

TdF2015 Stage 15

Another transitional stage today - starting at altitude, a bit of a climb, a long descent, then a flat bit, one spiky hill, more flat stuff and a more-or-less straight run in to the finish.

Watching the Eurosport coverage to start with, firstly I should say that I am growing less displeased with Greg Lemond who, last year, was terrible, but who, this year, is getting a lot more lucid and is almost starting to sound interesting. I still think Andy would be worth a try-out as a commentator, though....

It's always nice to see Juan Antonio Fletcha doing the interviewing, it's so funny that most of the riders clearly know him and like him, so he can lean in very close without them flinching, and can ask quite penetrating questions without causing offence.

Big story of today is the attack on Chris Froome yesterday: some moron through a cup of urine over him, while shouting an allegation about doping. How very unpleasant. Mr Prudholme himself issued a statement today expressing the UCI's displeasure at such behaviour, and let's hope we don't see any more of that sort of thing.

Watching today's race, it's a lot of nothing much for  most of the day. 

We have a bit of bad behaviour from Sagan - he pulled over for a bike change, and someone from the team car threw a full bidon at the camera bike, causing him to flinch,

Screams of 200 euro fine! It seemed like inexplicably bad behaviour - then we see another replay, the camera bike in question was clearly very close behind Sagan just as he pulled over, as we see their footage of Sagan pulling over, unclipping, and swinging his foot back to kick out at the camera bike. Were they too close to him do we think?

Here's another question - LLB has been fascinated by the Data tracking that is being trialled: you can select a team, or a few individual riders, and the tracking programme shows you where they are on the road. I watched it for a while on the first few days of le Tour, but I found that I would rather concentrate on watching the race (said she, typing a blog and tweeting while also watching the race). Will the riders start to swap bikes more often, in order to throw off the tracking programme? It would be a way to deprive anyone watching of info about their speed and so on, and maybe stop them extrapolating from your data. Just a thought.

As predicted, it ended in a bunch sprint with Gummy Greipel grabbing the stage win very narrowly, and Sagan failing to come second, despite changing his bike, and despite a despicable shoulder-barge to a Europcar rider, Cocquard, who glumly put his hand up in protest.

Ah well, *sigh* just another few days to go, and it will all be over...

TdF 2015 - Pyrenees and transitions

The Pyrenees are behind them, nothing much happened apart from Froomey showing his class and taking a lead of nearly three minutes, and today (now, yesterday!) - Stage 4 -  is the second transitional day, by which they seem to mean that it's not a flat boring day, nor is it a hilly or mountainous day. So it's just "a day" of riding, but it has a nasty sting in the tail with a 3km climb to the finish line.

The scenery is very strange - massive dramatic limestone crags and valleys, with - as Carlton  Kirby said - a bit of a resemblance to the Grand Canyon. "But with better food" he said.

Unable to resist, I tweeted to him

..and two minutes later, he read out my tweet! Again! On Eurosport!!! I can't believe he's ignored all my Andy-related tweets for the past four years, yet I make a casual remark about Pierre Rolland, or about garlic, and there he is, happily giving me name checks! It's so maddening, and what must poor Andy think? Well, luckily he probably doesn't know, as he doesn't follow me or read this blog...which I had never thought of as a good thing, before, but now I'm slightly relieved.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Luxembourg:

Andy: (looks miserable)
TinkerJil: (arms round Andy's shoulders) Aw, come on, it's not that bad, she was only talking about garlic. At least she didn't mention Pierre Rolla... oops, sorry, pet!"
Andy: (sobs uncontrollably)

Meanwhile, back in France... we have grown so tired of the relentlessly dull P&P commentary, and LLB is really fed up with Carlton - although personally I am quite keen on the Eurosport commentary, as he's mentioned me three times in the last few days, ha! ha! ha! - that today we are watching the Eurosport footage, as the picture is rather better quality than the ITV4 broadcast, and listening to Radio Five Live, with Rob Hayles, whose commentary I always enjoy, and a chap I don't know called Simon Brotherton.

So far, it seems to be a good compromise! 

Talking of commentary, Jensie as a commentator is a bit of a let-down, I'm afraid to report. It appears that he is spreading himself a bit too thin - instead of being a guest commentator anywhere specific, he seemed to be having five minute slots with half a dozen different broadcasters. So he never seems to get a chance to settle down with anyone, but instead keeps giving short, unconnected statements.  Also, and I hate to say this, but his "talking" style is not as good without his happy smiling little face.

I'd still like to see Andy doing commentary - I have no idea if he would be any good at it, but I would love him to have the chance.  As we all know, he is now promoting a range of sunglasses for cyclists, and he must be progressing well with his plans to open the Bike shop, Schleck museum and cafe, and he has done a couple of those guest appearances on cycling tours.  But I think he would manage to find time to comment on the Tour, if he were invited, don't you?

Getting back to the race, there's always something interesting to see - we see Richie Porte go back to the team car for bidons, and I was just wondering if a hot day is the one time when all the riders are happy to go back for bottles: must be nice to have cold bidons all down the back of your jersey. He starts to work his way back towards the peloton, passing Cav who is trundling along quite happily at the back. Cav very kindly gives him a shove forward, and I am so impressed that he will use up some of his own energy to help a former team-mate.

Then, two seconds later, shock! horror! Porte is at the side of the road, tipping bidons out of his jersey pockets and trying to work his way across the road to the off-side. (Well, I suppose in France it's the near-side, but to us it's the off-side.) What happened? Did Cav shove so hard that Richie's front tyre was ripped asunder? Did Richie fall off? No, it was just a puncture, but not the best of times, with 6km to go, uphill all the way, and another stinking hot day. At least he'll be able to link up with SweetLittlePete, who was not having a good day and was right off the back of the peloton.

The end was a surprise to almost everyone, as Steve Cummings riding for MTN Chewbacca takes the stage win with a fantastic last-minute sprint up the last dregs of the hill, then sped round the final flat section with the two french riders in hot pursuit, but he  pulled out enough of a lead to sit up and celebrate winning on what is apparently Nelson Mandela day, Anusingly, he gave the MTN "hand" as his victory salute,

Meanwhile, everyone and his dog attacked Froome, and everyone and his dog except for Quintana was relentlessly pulled back, and dropped in a heap. Even Contador was going backwards, and was left for dust by Valverde, Bumfluff etc. At the end, though, Froomey steamed past Quintana, making a one-second gap to him, at the line, and a 4-second gap to Valverde. 19 seconds over Contador, mwah ha ha !

TdF2015: Stage 9 TTT

At last! Time for the Team Time Trial, always a fun event, but even more fun than usual this due to the delay in it appearing, and the number of people already out of the race due to crashes.

Usually the TTT is much earlier in the race, often it is the very first stage or even the prologue: but for some reason, this year the organisers decided to push it back to the very end of the first week of racing, just when everyone is really tired, and in the full and certain knowledge that the first week of the Tour is always filled with crashes, and therefore this is when we are likely to lose riders.

With 13 riders out already, there are only 12 teams with full rosters, out of 22 teams: most of those teams have only lost one rider, apart from O'rica who have lost three riders, and have one of their few remaining riders struggling with cracked ribs.

I don't know why ASO decided to put the TTT so far back in the schedule, apparently they had to get special permission from the UCI to do so.

We watched O'rica do a very "measured" TT, taking it very steady indeed: we've been trying to work out how slow they can afford to go, and it's not easy. LLB calculated that if 57kph was the fastest ever TTT, then O'rica need to do 43kph in order to come within the "30% of winning time" cut off time.  Meanwhile, P&P suggest that a gap of 6-7 minutes is probably going to be the safe zone.

Personally I'm just happy to see them all arriving safely at the finish line, nice and controlled, with all members intact. No falls, no mechanicals, all safe and sound.  I sent a tweet to Carlton Kirby asking if ASO would really, seriously, disqualify a whole team if they were to fail to meet the time cut, but my luck with getting mentions seems to have run out, and there is no direct answer. Shame.

Trek go off, with many discussions about the loss of Fabian:  then Ass-t'na with a full set of riders. I'm very pleased to see that Jakob was riding well, and wasn't one of the several riders who dropped off the back,

Movistar make a good early effort, 18 seconds up at the second time check, but then disaster! We see them tackling the main hill on the course, and several riders at the back were making frantic "slow down!" arm waving signals as half the team zoomed off up the hill, and the rest of them sweated and struggled. Apparently the routine is that the rear riders wave in distress, the car behind sees them, and radios to the leader to slacken off until they catch up. It would seem that either the guys in the car were asleep, or the leader had taken off his earpiece,  because the team were blown to pieces on the climb and ended up in tatters.  Luckily it didn't take them long to get themselves back together, but it looked really untidy and unprofessional. As they come up to the finish, we think they are doing badly as there are only five members left, but they beat Ass-t'na by 31seconds.

Meanwhile Stinkoff are on the road, and Sky leave the ramp: apparently they were forced to wear the nasty cheap baggy yellow skinsuit instead of their own high-tech fabric, so they compromised by bringing in a local seamstress to nip and tuck. Presumably they get it off with a can-opener after the end of the race.

Stinkoff are charging along, I'm intrigued to see that Ray Formica has what appears to be shin-pads made of kinesio tape. LLB and I discuss whether kinesio tape is more aerodynamic than skin, in which case you could get round the UCI rule about not having long socks by wrapping a lot of tape round your legs.

As it turns out, Sky come second by something ridiculous like 0.6 seconds to BMC, so BMC are happy, and Sky are also happy as they get to keep the yellow jersey - and have extended their lead over most of the other GC contenders. They also get G back into the top 10, which is always good.

One final note of amusement - Richie Porte, being interviewed immediately after warming down, interrupts his own interview to bark at Chris Froome "Froomey! Wipe your nose!"  as Chris passes him. Sweet.

And best of all, no-one crashed!

TdF Stage 8: Fame at last!

On Stage 8 of the Tour, at 69.3k to go, Carlton Kirby, commentating for Eurosport, said, and I quote:

"Cougar Girl has just told me to stop being mean about Pierre Rolland"

Yay! Fame at last!

It was obviously a slow day at the race, and a slow day on twitter, as at 60k to go, Carlton mentioned me again: he said that the front group contained Pierre Rolland, "who Cougar Girl is very fond of".

LLB thought this was hilarious, that I have spent four years tweeting in praise of Andy, and never had a mention, and I make a casual reference to Pierre, who is just one of many Schleckland pets, and blow me down, I get two name-checks, and am now associated with Pierre instead of Andy.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Luxembourg:

Andy: *sobs uncontrollably*
TinkerJil: "Oh, now now, come on Andy, it's not that Coug doesn't like you anymore, she just made a passing reference to Pierre Rolland, that's all."
Andy: *more sobs*
TinkerJil: "But she gave you several plugs for your glasses," (more  sobs)

At 57.5k to go, coming back from an advert break, the first three contain Lars Bak and Carlton said "someone said I have to say Bak is on the front," *he laughs* " and he isn't; well he is."

Guess who that was, then?

Clearly, today was the day that no-one else was tweeting to Carlton.

As for the race being not exactly scintillating, well, to be honest, it was pretty dull. Apart from getting a name check, that is.  Some lovely scenery, nice chateaux, but not really exciting.

The main point of discussion seemed to be whether Rodriguez would win the stage, in which case he would take the polka dot jersey from Tekko: if he doesn't win, then Tekko gets to ride the TTT wearing it, and would therefore carry it forward over the rest day and into Stage 10.

Call me biased (cries of "Coug! you are SOOOO biased" to which I would replay yes of course I'm biased, the whole point of this blog is to be in favour of Andy, regardless of his personal form!) but I don't like Rodriguez, he's an unrepentant doper: whereas Tekko is a Schleckland Pet, and therefore I would very much like him to be carrying the polka dots for as long as possible.

So, what actually happened? Lots of huffing and puffing on the last couple of km, with a somewhat surprise win for Villie-Mouse from AG2R, Dan Martin (and his teeth) came in second, and then a little bunch containing Froomey (cries of "good boy, Froomey!" from our sofa), Bumfluff, Rigoberto, Onion, and Sagan.

Great news all round - Froome maintains the yellow jersey,  Tekko maintains the polka dot jersey, and the top ten on GC is pretty much unchanged, apart from G dropping off the bottom and into 15th place, with Onion moving up into the leader group.

So, a very good day all round - Coug gets her name on Eurosport not once but twice, and Tekko gets to keep the polka dots. This very nearly makes up for the expulsion from Schleckland of Paolini.

Tomorrow is another day - it's the TTT, and between fatigue and loss of riders, it could be a very interesting day indeed...

TdF2015 Stage 7: Sacking of a Dark Lord

Huh! There's me, all proud of the Schleckland Pet reputation (ie I award someone status of Pet and they nearly immediately win something) and then that rotten little sneak Paolini lets me down.

Yes, Dark Lord Paolini has been "done" for drugs. His tests on Stage 4 revealed cocaine, of all things. What is he, a rock star? Although not a PED, cocaine is high on the banned list for the UCI and carries a 4-year ban. And it carries a lifelong ban from being a Schleckland Pet, as I have no tolerance for drugs: I don't "do" drugs, and I think people who do are stupid.

(Coug, with captain's hat, stands tall and proud with arm extended and face of thunder, pointing to the gate out of Schleckland. Dark Lord Paolini cringes at her feet.)

Coug: "Go, you miserable worm!" 

(Paoilini (no, I can't even be bothered to spell his besmirched name correctly) crawls away in the direction indicated)

Huh.

Meanwhile, back in the real world,  Stage 7 was - at last - as quiet and non-eventful as it was supposed to be, with nice well-behaved weather, nice wide open roads, and no major crashes. Apparently there was a bit of a prang in the neutral zone, where three of the Jumbo riders were chatting amongst themselves about the previous crashes, then one of them wobbled and down they all went, taking Contador with them. That will teach him not to lurk too closely behind. Anyway, no harm done, other than minor bruises to one of the Jumbo riders, so we can't really count that as an incident.

The ending was quite interesting - it was a bunch sprint, as it was supposed to be, but it was all a bit narrow and twisty, and apparently slightly uphill, which made it a bit tricky. Cav did a great job, he bumped shoulders with Sagan, swerved stylishly round a Dark Lord (being careful not to breathe in too deeply in case there was a haze of fine white powder round him) then zoomed past Gummy Gruipel and took the stage quite comfortably, with a great show of fabulous straight white teeth. It was worth all that surgery and angst, to get them straightened, wasn't it? I thought it was interesting that Sagan simply didn't have the speed of Cav.

And what of today? Stage 8 is long, a bit bumpy, and has a Murder at the end of it. It's not as steep as the Murder Hay, but it is longer, so it's going to be an endurance test. And then tomorrow, Sunday, we have the long-awaited TTT which should be a lot more nail-biting than usual, as several teams are going to be a bit short-handed.

Can't wait!

TdF Stage 6: Crash, bash, Froooome! again.

I can hardly bear to watch this year's Tour - it seems to be nothing but crashes.

To be fair, the Tour always has a crash-filled first week, and we are always told that the riders are always nervous in the first few days. This, however, is different. We don't normally have a broken back, a broken wrist, a broken arm, broken collarbones, cracked ribs, and, didn't we have a broken leg as well?

Today was no different - this time the crash happened right at the very end, quite literally half a km from the end, when Tony Martin just touched the wheel of the Europcar rider ahead of himself. He was thrown heavily over to his right, barging a poor Giant rider right over - then his wheel went from under him and whomp! skittles.  The Giant rider (Warren "Onion" Bargee) neatly knocked over an Ass-t'na rider (Nibali, I think), who bumped into Chris Froome (causing him to do an inelegant unclip with a side order of waving the foot in the air) and was then flattened by a BMC Ladybird landing right on top of him. Ouch!

Meanwhile, Tony Martin was in absolutely no hurry to get up, and he was holding his left arm in the traditional "I have busted my collarbone" invisible sling.  Quite some time later - this was well inside the last 3k so everyone knew they would get the same time as each other - he was carefully loaded onto his bike, and three team members gently pushed him up to and over the line, in a lovely display of team solidarity.

Just a few minutes later, it was confirmed on Twitter that he has broken his collarbone, so I don't imagine he will be starting the race tomorrow. This is obviously desperately sad for him, and very bad news for the Etixx team, what with the TTT coming up: but there is a silver lining, and that is that Chris Froome will, if Tony abandons, go back into yellow.

I doubt that Sky will say anything about it tonight, but let's be honest, there must be just a tiny burbling whisper of "we might be back in yellow tomorrow!" in the Deathstar, as they make their way hotelwards.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the peloton: Daniel Teklehaimanot won the KOM jersey!! He is the first ever African to win it, the first ever ever Eritrean (obviously) to win it, and I imagine his smile is just about the brightest thing on the podium this afternoon. Well done, Tekko! Sorry, I can't spell that surname yet, and it's too slow to cut and paste it every single time - so unless he tweets me otherwise, I shall abbreviate it to Tekko.

And I would just like to point out in that a blog from three days ago, I made Tekko the status of Schleckland Pet - the final one, as it turns out - and look! There he is on the podium! Spooky, or what??

TdF2015: the TTT looms...

I have a question: what happens if a team is unable to field a full TTT team?

O'Rica have now lost Albasini with a broken arm, having already lost Simon Gerrans with a broken wrist, and Daryl Impey with a broken stomach (my fault, I still have his musette, poor guy).

This leaves them with 6 guys, and you need 5 to finish at the TTT.

Presumably if you only have 5 guys left, you have to go at the speed of the slowest rider: but what happens if  you only have 4 guys left in the team?

Theoretically, if 5 don't finish, then no-one gets a time: they would all four be counted as DNF and be out of the race.

Clearly that is unacceptable, it's desperately unfair to penalise a team who are already suffering the loss of so many members: so what would they do? Has anyone read the UCI rules on the subject? I would, but my soul has only just regenerated after the last round of "giving wheels to other teams" rule checking, so I can't bring myself to read them again.

Logically they would just accept that all four riders get the time of the fourth man.  But I have no idea, and I would welcome your thoughts. (BikeGirl, this is not an excuse to talk about skinsuits, white shorts or dirty boys. You have been told.) *laughs*

TdF 2015 Day 4 - wha'happened?

So much for the over-hyped This Is The Day That Changes Things!

Possibly after yesterday's truly terrible crashes, the peloton didn't feel like taking any risks, necessary or otherwise, as they seem to have trundled along quite calmly.  Alas, I had to work this afternoon so I couldn't watch it live, but I've checked through the ticker and, apart from an unexplained FdJ tantrum, and a few "minor" crashes, all seems to have gone well.

Tony Martin did a "tony martin" and went for what Carlton Kirby delightfully calls "a squirt off the front" just over 3k from the line, and took the stage win, which also puts him into yellow. I do wonder if Team Sky were secretly happy for this - no more tiring press conferences for Froome, no more having to lead the peloton so early in the race. They certainly didn't make any effort at all to chase him down.

Now we have Tony Martin in yellow, Froome in second, just a few seconds back,  and Fabs retired from le Tour but saying that he is looking forward to the second part of the season,  which would seem to indicate that he's not about to retire just yet, although he has already said that this will be his last Tour.

So with Fabs injured again, and possibly retiring: Andy injured and retired: Jensie honourably retired, and Stuey dishonourably retired, that only leaves Jakob of my original Schleckland Crew, and he, poor boy, seems to be yoked to Nibali and not able to ride for himself ever again, let alone the horrors of being tarred with the Ass-t'na brush. I have a feeling that he might choose to slip down to pro-Conti level next season, just to get a chance to be team leader. *sigh*.

 But rather than dwelling on such sadness, I have a question which arose in my tiny cycling-addled brain the other day: if everyone standing at the roadside with those plastic flappy hand things were to wave them in the direction the race was going, just before the leader got to them, would it increase their speed at all?

This led to a question about whether all those lungs, screaming in their faces, were actually holding back the riders.

Think what you could do if your chosen rider was in a break - it would require a lot of discipline among fans, but I think it could be done:  instead of looking up the road, waiting for the first view of the riders, they would have to all turn their heads away, and shout and scream in the onward direction, as well as flapping their plastic hands, and any tea trays or pieces of hardboard they happen to have about their person. Then, as soon as your chosen rider has passed, you all have to turn back and face the chasers, shouting and screaming towards them, and flapping your flappers back in their direction.

Races could be influenced using this simple technique.

You read it here, first.

*laughs*

TdF 2015 - Crash, Bash, Froooooome!

Blimey, what a day.

I had some time at home this afternoon and I was supposed to be doing paperwork, but after the exciting second day yesterday, with wind, echelons, rain, and Cav losing Tony Martin the yellow jersey (which he denies) and Fabs winning it ("yay!"), I thought I'd just listen to it a bit while working.

Well, that didn't work.  I found a stream, got captivated in watching it "just for a while" before getting on with some work, and then there was the most almighty crash.  I was glued to the screen for the rest of the afternoon.

Crash? If it weren't for the riders sliding along the road, you would have thought a grenade had gone off. There were riders all over the verge, crashing into a lamppost, bikes and riders piling up against the lamppost, more riders crashing into them, and Fabs piling into the back of it and his glorious new yellow bike clearly to be seen cartwheeling over the pile of bodies.

Several riders were badly hurt - Simon Gerrans was out with a suspected broken wrist, Dumoulin dislocated a shoulder: they both withdrew from the race there and then, as did William Bonnet, the rider who first fell, and one of the Dark Lords whose name I can neither spell nor pronounce. Ten Dam was listed as Abandon, he dislocated a shoulder, but apparently "They popped it back in" so he carried on racing... god, these guys are so tough. And all while wearing basically a swimsuit...

Fabs, meanwhile, was grey-faced and wobbling, clutching his back (remember those broken vertebrae from earlier this year?) and indicating to the race doctor that he couldn't see properly - clearly somewhat concussed, but he got back on his bike and headed back for the race.

Now we get to the tricky bit: a lot of people on social media are saying, and indeed some of the journalists are reporting, that "the race was neutralised until Fabian caught up."

This is not true: ASO took the decision to neutralise, and then to actually stop the race, because every single medical person and vehicle was completely absorbed dealing with this horrendous crash, so if there had been an incident further on - well, there would have been no medical cover at all. Mr Prudhomme was in the unfortunate position of having to try to stop 150-odd riders, who had no idea what was going on, and who were determined to keep racing. At one point there were the two red cars across the road, with Mr P waving his arms like a demented seagull out of the sunroof, while riders sneaked past on all sides. It was like trying to keep 14 puppies in a basket, with only one hand.

Eventually it all got going again, but very tentatively.

 Michael "Bling" Matthews of O'rica looked as though he'd been shredded...

...and as for poor JVS, he looked as though he'd been through a combine harvester.

Apparently there were 40 riders involved in total, including poor Daniel Teklahaemot (well, that's what it sounds like) who had a crash all on his own on the other side of the road, and who was somewhat overlooked in the drama of the main crash. But it's a bit of a shame, I'd just decided to make him my last Schleckland Pet, on the basis that he has such a great name, and usually my pets go on to great glory (JVS), they don't usually end up all over the road!

As for the race itself, well, they finally got to the Murder Hay, as they kept calling it,  and after a closely-fought battle, one of the Dark Lords just beat Chris Froome to the line. But Froomey gained 6 seconds time bonus, putting him into the yellow jersey, which is great news for Sky, and great news for Fab, as now he can sort himself out without feeling an obligation to start tomorrow.

*hasty typing sounds as I check on twitter*

Oh.  Bad news, Fabs has broken two different vertebrae - not the same ones he did earlier this year, but two on the other side, apparently, so he has withdrawn from the Tour. Poor Fabs, what a way to end his career - he's already said that he won't do another Tour, and remembering how long it took him to recover from the first set of cracked vertebrae, well, I'm guessing that he won't be back racing this season. It's unbelievable that he finished the race, up the Murder Hay, with two broken vertebrae. What a guy.

So that could well be the last time we see Fabs as a pro rider. *sigh*

Dauphine - sleeves, road markings and bad spectators

Day one of the Dauphine, and we are nearly treated to another spectator-caused career-ending crash, as a silly bloke runs out into the road after the leader, waving and grinning at the moto, not realising that the second rider in the break is RIGHT BEHIND him.

I won't add a photo of him doing it, as I don't want to give ar**holes like that any additional publicity, but I was encouraged to see him being pushed off the road by a Police official: I live in hope that he'll be reprimanded or, better still, fined for that stupid action.

Moving on...  nice to see Johan Van Summeren....

 .... with his sleeves tucked up again.

There he is on the far right of the picture, leading out the AG2R train, with his sleeved tucked up.

I would so love to know why he does it!

Coug: "So, JVS, why do you always  tuck your sleeves up?"
JVS (in Dutch) "Er, sorry? I don't speak English."
Coug (makes gesture to biceps): "Sleeves?"
JVS (in Dutch): "What? My arms? Yes, they are a bit skinny, but I have very long bones, it's not like I'm a weakling or anything, I'm perfectly strong, it's just a proportion thing."
Coug (confused): "Oh. Thank you." 

The other thing that made me laugh was the road markings on the final circuit - we get accustomed to seeing things written on the road, and sometimes there are logos, but this one baffled me first time round (right).

Was it an advert for Pommi Bears?

Was it a rather obscure graphic indicating the turn-off lane for the diving pool?

After seeing it a few more times, LLB and I decided that two of them were indicating places where pedestrians could cross, and the other two were, er, possibly either indicating that the whole area was safe for pedestrians - which seems a bit odd, as there is clearly a pavement on the left - or the man who drove the marking machine got a bit carried away and plopped them down wherever he felt like it.

The day ended in triumph for Peter KenYack (Kennaugh) or Sweet-Little-Pete as he's known (well, that's what Fran Millar, sister of David Millar, calls him) as he peeled off the front with nearly 2k to go, stormed away, and made it over the line to take the first stage, and the first yellow/blue leader's jersey of the race.

Well done, SLP!

Tour des Fjords

A rare treat, we actually got some tv footage of some of this race. Only stages 1, 3 and 4, for some reason:  rather annoying not to get coverage of the final day, but hey, we take what we can get.

As always, the scenery is just fascinating, and what I love most is that in the moto footage, you see the riders faces coming towards us, and the backs of the heads of the spectators, because they are actually watching the race, instead of gurning at the cameras. Which is lovely!

It's also fun to see the spectators all wearing gore-tex walking coats, makes LLB and I feel that we would fit in well, if we ever got to go out there to watch it.

This year we have the usual crinkly routes, with lots of tunnels, lots of coastal roads, and we have Fabian!  Yay, go Fabs! Terrific to see him back on a bike after that vertebrae-crunching fall at E3 Harelbeck.

As I said, we didn't get coverage of every day of racing, and only edited highlights of those few days, but we did see the bizarre crash on day 1, when a moto doodled off the edge of the road, fell over, and the bike slid back across the road right into the peloton, causing a massive skittle-crash and ten riders injured - none of them seriously, luckily.

Here he is just before the crash - the moto is on the far left of the road, safely out of the way, doing nothing wrong, but on the absolute edge of the road.

He then wobbles off the tarmac onto the verge, the pilot falls off down the ditch, and the bike spins back to our right, across the tarmac, taking out half the peloton as it does.

After the recent Shimano fiasco, this is just bizarre, as the pilot really wasn't doing anything wrong!





Thrills and spills aside, it was an enjoyable race: checking on the internet tells me that EBH won the last stage, his first win in two years, which must come as a huge relief. He's riding for MTN-Qhubeka now, of course. Race winner was one of the Dark Lords, never heard of him but he worked hard for it. Fabs came in 49th overall on GC, and I'm sure he's happy with getting safely through his first race back.

Now we have a whole week of Dauphine to look forward to, starting today: and Wiggo is going for the Hour Record this evening, trying to beat the distance set by Schlecklander pet Alex Dowsett. Do we think he'll win? We're not sure - LLB thinks he'll set a record that is so far ahead of Alex's that it will stand unbeaten for years: I think he'll beat Alex but only just, and Alex will come back for another go at it later in the year, and will then beat him. They will continue to hopscotch each other for the next 18 months, until someone totally unexpected beats the pair of them.

That's my prediction!

"First Class Cycling...."

"... with Alpecin, caffeine sham-pugh."

She keeps on saying it, whoever she is - I thought it was Mariella Frostrup at first, but now I am having my doubts. At first is used to annoy me, but now LLB and I chorus along with her every time, competing to get the exact way she pronounces sham-pew. Sham-puh. Nope, still not quite right.

Does anyone know whose voice is saying those words, in the UK ad for Alpecin?

And does anyone know how the stuff is supposed to work?

Caffeine is supposed to help you perk up, wake up, be more alert: how does that relate to hair, I wonder? I don't know about you, but I don't particularly want my hair rushing around like a mad thing saying "Comb me! Style me!"  and nagging me to go to a proper hairdresser for a proper cut for the first time since August 2008. (I cut it myself now - I hate hairdressers, all that faff and chat for what need only be a five-minute operation, snip snip there you are, done.) Hair is, after all, dead once it leaves your scalp (good thing too, imagine how painful it would be if your hair were alive, ergh) so nothing you apply to it can have any effect on the structure of the hair, other than removing dirt and smoothing the cuticles of the hair to make it feel silkier. *runs fingers through own tresses in satisfaction*

I seem to remember that when we first heard that Alpecin were coming into pro cycling as a sponsor, I looked them up and found out it was a hair restoring product - and they were linked with Trek at the time. Ah, how things change.

But it does seem odd that a product to restore men's hair should be sponsoring what is basically a young man's sport....

Recognition - at last!

After four years of walking around all day with the Leopard-Trek logo on the back of my work shirts, someone finally - FINALLY - recognised it.

"Danny Kent!" shouted the tree surgeon's mate.

I continued weeding the rhubarb bed, having no idea that this comment was directed at me.

"Danny Kent!" the voice cried insistently "are you a fan?"

"Who?" I replied, looking round incredulously.

"Danny Kent!" he repeated, insistently "Leopard Racing! Your shirt! You have the logo on your shirt!"

"Oh!" I replied, realising what he meant, "no, no, that's the Leopard Trek logo."

"Yes!" he cried excitedly "Leopard racing!"

"No," I replied, calmly, "It's the Leopard Trek pro cycling racing team, disbanded now. Well, I suppose technically it's the logo of Leopard True Racing."

"Yesss!" he yelped, "Danny Kent rides for them! He's doing really well, he's just won his last three races! You must be a fan!"

"Oh, is he in the Junior team?" I said, patronisingly, remembering how all the old blue-white-and-black kit was donated to the Luxembourg Development team. "No, I support the old Leopard Trek team - you know, Andy Schleck? Fabs? Jensie, Stuey?"

"No!" he howled, "Moto 3!"

Yes folks, apparently Leopard True Racing have morphed into Leopard Natural, the only natural power drink (water?) and they are sponsoring motorcycle racing.  Danny Kent is their top rider - they only have three - and apparently he's doing really well.  Here's what they look like:

Something spookily familiar about their kit, isn't there!

That's Danny on the left.

Seems a shame that Leopard now see fit to throw millions of units of their currency into a minor motorsport, as opposed to a minor sport, but I guess that's the way of the world.

In the meantime, I will continue to do my shopping with a Leopard Trek musette (slightly adapted):

..in the slightly sad knowledge that it's never going to be recognised by a fellow cycling fan, but might attract some boisterous attention from moto3 followers.

*sigh*

Yay for Kiryenka!

Cheers and festivities, Schlecklander pet Vasil Kiryenka won a stage at the Giro!

I can' believe that anyone can have not noticed him, but just in case you haven't, he's a super-super-domestique for Sky, and has been a Schlecklander pet for a couple of years now, not because he's pretty (pulls face at LLB who suggested that I choose our pets more on their looks than on their talent) but because he is such a supernaturally strong - and poker-faced - rider.

We only get to see him on those occasions where we get several hours of coverage, as he generally  does all his work in the early part of the race, unseen by cameras, and he usually comes in a long way down the GC because, like all good domestiques, he has "given his all" earlier in the day. So he is an un-sung hero.

I like him because he gets on the front of the peloton,  and he rides and rides and rides, for mile after mile, with a deadpan poker face, showing no emotion, no stress, no fatigue, right up to the moment he goes "pop!" and pulls off. At this point, the peloton that he has been dragging has usually been whittled down to 30-40 members, as most riders just can't keep up with his relentless, unchanging pace.

His posture on the bike is very recognisable as well: although the commentators always refer to him in terms of "a beast" (as well as more complimentary terms like "diesel") he actually sits like one of those cute little terriers, the sort that sit up alertly and look all around.  Often seen riding in a wickerwork basket on the front of a Sturmey-Archer 3-speed.  He must have an extra joint in his neck, to be able to sit for so long with a flat back and with his head popped right up, looking for all the world as though he is not even in a race, just tootling along on a Sunday afternoon pleasure ride, occasionally looking around at the scenery, but mostly just gazing at the road ahead.

LLB and I often say that the other teams must groan in dismay -  "Oh no! It's Kiryenka on the front! Prepare to die!" - when he starts pulling, and I think the psychological value of that is immense.  I can just picture some lesser riders simply giving up when they get the news: wouldn't you?

The bit that always fascinates me is trying to predict when he is finally going to crack. My personal measurement is to check for the patches of red on his cheeks. It's the only sign he gives, that he is putting in any effort at all, and usually just after the red patches appear, he finally peels off. But the trick is to work out how long, after the red patches appear, he will keep going!

So there he was at the Giro, leading the TT from quite early on in the day, sitting impassively on the leader's chair, unsmiling as usual, for aaaaages. He barely cracked a smile all the while, until right at the end when it became apparent that he was going to win it, and then - yes! He smiled! He laughed! he even chatted to Juan Antonia Flecha (Handsome Dude) just like a normal person!

It's always a thrill to see a Schlecklander pet do well,  so well done Vasil!

Other cycling news includes Richie Porte dropping out of the Giro, and who can blame him: Nasty Mr Oleg describing Ass-t'na as "no good at cycling" *snorts through nose*, and LLB actually having an anti-pet of his own: he;s developed a hatred of Zacharin, junior Dark Lord, who was done for doping as a teenage, but who has somehow managed to get back into pro cycling, and is now being hailed as an up and coming hope for the future. Every time he appears on screen, LLB grumbles about him, and I supportively make flicking motions with my fingers, as though to flick him off his bike.

So, into the final week we go: hills today,  then a flat day, two more days of hills, then a flat day to finish on.  Without Sky challenging for the win, it's fallen a bit flat for us UK viewers, but we'll keep an eye out for interesting happenings. And no, I'm not going to guess who is going to win: for the obvious reason!

Andy on Tour

Remember a while ago, Schleckland was agog with the news that Our Glorious Leader would be appearing on some Trek-organised riding holidays?

Well, time has passed and the first one took place a few days ago.

Andy tweeted:

I wonder if these holidays normally attract that many women???? *laughs*

It looks as though they had sunshine for their day out together, which is lovely: I can't imagine how annoying it would be to book a cycling holiday with a chance to meet Andy Schleck, and then it rains all day.

Unless there is the option of staying in the hotel lobby, drinking tea and asking penetrating questions:

Andy: *shakes water off head* "So, we stay in the lobby for a short while, until the rain eases. Does anyone have any questions?"

A forest of waving hands rises in front of him. Laughing, he selects one.

Coug: "So, Andy, you chose a very short, three-letter name for your son. How do you feel about journalists who spell it incorrectly?"

Andy looks confused. Coug leans over his shoulder and taps on his tablet:

Andy: "Huh? Will our upcoming wedding survive?"
Coug: "Don't worry, the vote was 100% Yes. Mind you, only three people had voted."
Andy: (looking insulted) "Only three?"
Coug: "Four, after I saw it."

While Andy is thinking about this, Coug leans over again and taps the tablet for a second time.

Coug: "They all copy each other, so if one gets it wrong..."

Andy: (sighs) "Toe.  Jil will go spare..."

Team Boss Of The Year.... not.

Not exactly breaking news, but time that Schleckland made a comment on it, for the sake of the lovely Jakob, if for nothing else.

"What is he on?!" comes to mind.

 Ass-t'na's owner, the unlovely Mr Tinkoff, already has a reputation for being a sexist, racist, homophobic oik, after several quite nasty episodes on Twitter.

Then, recently, he was openly telling journalists that he thought Peter "Jammy Dodger" Sagan was not earning his salary, as he'd failed to win anything in the early part of this season.

Now, he's given an interview to Gazzetta dello Sport in which he states quite openly that he is looking for legal ways to reduce Sagan's salary, despite giving him a contract specifying that salary.

How to motivate your team - "not" !!!!

This man really is a complete idiot. He appears to be cut from the same cloth as Mr Becca, the so-called family friend behind the ill-fated Leopard-Trek episode, mister "oh yes I'll back you for four years" Becca who then ran out on them after less than two years, having not realised that sponsorship IS NOT INVESTMENT!! golly, how many times will I have to say that: when you invest, you expect to get your money back and you hope to make a big profit.  When you sponsor, you GIVE AWAY the money,  and you hope to get publicity and respect - but you certainly don't your money back, let alone make a profit.

Tinkoff even has the nerve to describe his team as his toy, and hints strongly that he is getting bored with his toy, and will throw it away one day soon.

Poor Jakob.

We all worried about the doping thing when he went to Ass-t'na: we worried about Mr EPO-Removed-My-Eyebrows Vinokourov having an undue influence over him; we worried about him having to work for Nibali and Contador and never having a chance to ride for himself - but we didn't realise he'd be riding for a team owned and managed by a childish man who thinks he can throw away the careers of 28-odd riders just like that *snaps fingers*.

We all know that when riders change teams, they rarely win anything for the first year. It's almost a tradition: have a great year, win tons of races, get offered lots of huge contracts, take the best one, move teams, ignominious quiet season. Look at Philly Gilly going to BMC, not a win in his first year. Thor Hushovd, ditto.

Yet Tinkoff will happily suggest that he'll throw away the team, putting all those riders through the misery of finding a new team and having to settle in again. Just because he can.

Anyone would have put money on Sagan having a quiet year this year - anyone who knows anything about pro cycling, that is, and it does rather appear that although Mr Tinkoff is a big fan of cycling, and rides a bike himself, he doesn't actually know a great deal about it.

This is all contriving to make Uncle Bjarne look like a much better manager: you only have to look at how he handled Contador, buying him only to have a ban fall upon him (which seems, in retrospect, more and more unfair as clenbuterol is now being found in meat quite regularly) yet he kept the rider on, despite not getting any races out of him, and then easing him back into racing. Now he is being rewarded, with Contador back onto winning form despite broken legs, dislocated shoulders and goodness knows what else. And yet Tinkoff gave him the sack. *shakes head*

Tinkoff, on the other hand, is publicly telling Sagan that he's not worth the money, and saying he is going to find a way to reduce the salary. I bet that poor old Sagan is wishing it was only a 2-year contract!

The only sensible thing to come from Mr Tinkoff's mouth is the concept that there needs to be a new way of paying riders, although I'd take that further and say there needs to be a new way of funding the teams altogether.  It's ridiculous for an "open" non-stadium sport to be run in the same way as sports who have ticket-income. It puts the teams at the mercy of the sponsors who may run out of funds or lose interest *dark look* at any moment, it creates horrendous instability and it must make the sport even harder to organise, when you don't know for sure how many pro teams you are going to have, from year to year.

However, Mr Tinkoff doesn't care about all that, he just wants to get results. I'm not a huge Contador fan *grinds teeth and mutters "39 seconds" under breath* but I hope and pray that he wins the damned Giro, just to keep Tinkoff happy.

Sorry, Richie!

UCI rules.. 2 minute penalty..... *zzzzzzzzz*

Oh lord, the UCI do it again: they produce an obscure rule, penalise teams,  and announce that Rules Are Rules.

What's all this about? Stage 10 of the Giro, Richie Porte of Team Sky is in 3rd position on the GC, and just 8km from the end, he punctures.

It's a bad time to puncture - the race is on, it's on a roundabout, so he skids off the road on the wrong side (ie the left side) and all his team mates are now ahead of him, and no sign of the team car.

Disaster!

But wait! O'rica to the rescue! Simon Clarke of O'rica (who happens to be a close personal friend of Richie) does the unthinkable, he gives his front wheel to a bloke from a different team, to the accompaniment of cheers and tears from the watching crowds. Porte cycles on and gets in safely, having lost 47 seconds. Clarke waits for his team car, gets a new wheel and presumably a slap on the wrist, and gets in a bit later.

All seems to be well, but later that evening Dave Brailsford of Sky is summoned to the UCI tent and given a 2-minute penalty and a fine for breaking UCI rule 12.1.040 which prohibits "non-regulation assistance to a rider from another team".  This puts a spanner in the works for Porte, who is now pushed down to 12th place on GC. Simon Clarke is also fined and penalised, but as he was 28 minutes down anyway, he's not too fussed by that, although he is no doubt terminally embarrassed by having possibly ruined Sky's attempt to win the Giro.

Outrage on Twitter!  Lots of stamping of feet! Boo to the UCI!

On the face of it, penalising a GC contender for this action seems a bit small-minded, especially as earlier in the race, Sky's team car gave a wheel to Gianni Meerkat (Schlecklander Pet) of Ettix-Quickstep, who was punctured and stuck without a team car. Did Sky get penalised for that? No. Did Meersman get penalised? No. So it seems a bit unfair to penalise Richie Porte.

On the other hand, if I were in charge of O'rica I'd have something to say to a rider who takes himself out of the race like that: it doesn't matter that the rider himself was 28mins down, and that the team don't actually have anyone in the GC, it is still wrong for a rider to voluntarily give themselves a delay of several minutes.

Another aspect of this is to ask why there wasn't a Sky rider nearby to give Richie a wheel. 

In the photo of the event:

... you can clearly see a Sky rider coming hovering, ready to pace Richie back on, so it would only have been a few seconds more for Richie to have waited for a team-mate to get back to him -  although I rather think there is a rule saying that riders are not allowed to ride back along the route (this does not apply after they have crossed the finish line, of course), so they would probably have been penalised for that anyway.

The conspiracy theorists are saying that Richie is probably going to O'rica next year, so his future team members and fellow Antipodeans are looking out for him in preparation, which is plausible.

As an aside, I would comment that the UCI should not be surprised to see a rider being helped by a fellow countryman, as there seems to be this weird convention in cycling that the on-screen graphics always tell us a rider's nationality by showing his national flag, but don't always show the team name. This has always struck me as odd, and would seem to imply that the race organisers/UCI are more interested in the country than in the team.

However, the bottom line is that the rule was broken, and that's that: if Contador had punctured without a team-mate or car, and had taken a wheel from another team, we would all have been screaming blue murder about cheating, so perhaps we should all follow the example of nice Mr Brailsford, and Richie himself, who are being very sensible and grown-up about it: they have ruefully accepted the penalty and the fine, and have admitted that they broke the rule, although Dave Brailsford did make the point about helping Ettix and not being penalised for that.

I will admit here and now, I have not actually trawled through the UCI's soul-sucking rule book to read the rule in full for myself. I suspect that the UCI are making a distinction between a team car handing out a wheel to another team's rider, well, that's their business: but for one team's rider to halt his own race and give a wheel to a rival, that takes it one step too far.

Richie says that he was not aware of the rule, as does Simon Clarke, who said something like "at the speeds we are going, you have about less than one second to make a decision, and I saw him there and just decided to give him my wheel."  Dave Brailsford doesn't actually say whether he knew the rule beforehand or not, but interestingly, I saw a brief interview with Micheal Rogers, another Aussie rider, riding with Stinkoff, in which he said something like "I was actually aware of that rule owing to something mumble mumble some months ago..."

Cut to the Stinkoff training camp.

A long room, devoid of furniture apart from two dozen simple folding desks and chairs, with bare light bulbs swinging from long cords and casting deep shadows into the corners of the room.

The door opens, and in clatter the Stinkoff riders, walking like penguins in their cleats, still in full lycra. They sit, and the small amount of nervous chatter dies down.

A bell rings, and a soigneur walks round, handing out examination papers and pencils, one per person, with a stern warning to give the pencil back afterwards. The riders bend to their task, and soon there is an air of intense concentration in the room.

On the other side of a large sheet of one-way class, Mr Tinkoff (yes, I know it's Tinkov, it's my way of showing disrespect, ok?) leans back in his comfy chair, sipping a fine liqueur and smoking a fat cigar. (He's probably eating a doughnut as well, who knows.) He has a copy of the examination paper, and is reading it with all signs of enjoyment, laughing out loud from time to time at a particular question.

His DS pokes a head round the door. "Err, Mr Tinkoff, sir," he begins, "Is it really necessary for them to know all the UCI rules?"

"Yessss, my precious..." hisses Mr Tinkoff, "one day it might be very necssssessssary...."

Just. Stand. Back.

After some horrific crashes in the Giro - and we're only in the first week! - mostly caused by spectators, I feel moved to write on the subject.

What are these idiots doing???!!! *tears hair*

The obvious questions include Do they not know how fast they go?  Have they never been to a cycle race? Have they never seen it on tv?

However, here's my experience from the Tour of Britain a couple of years ago: LLB and I chose a nice spot, in the middle of nowhere so we wouldn't be oppressed by the crowds, on a bend so they'd be going slightly slower, on a loop so we'd get two chances to see them, with a place to park safely, and with back roads to get to it, so we wouldn't get caught up in road blocks.

(At that point we didn't fully appreciate how incredibly efficient the rolling roadblocks are, and how within seconds of the broom wagon passing, the road was open again.)

While waiting, I was chatting to other people *waves to Denny and her Rabobank flag* and amongst them was a stout elderly couple, who did not fit the profile for road race watchers.

They were, it turned out, on their way to visit a local garden centre ("Aye, lass, we know how to live") and had wondered why so many people were standing around in the middle of nowhere. So they pulled over and walked up to join the growing crowd. They had no idea what it was, or when it would happen, but such is the life of retired folk with not much to do with their time - any free diversion is something to be savoured. When the moment came, they were clapping and hollering along with everyone else.

Moral of the story: yes, it is entirely possible for spectators to have no idea at all what they are about to see.

Those are what you might call the "ignorant" spectators, who don't know what to do, and what to not do. They would be the ones who drop their air sausages just as the peloton scream into sight.

The next type of spectator are the "wrong" sort: the ones who turn to wave to the camera bikes as they pass, ignoring the approaching race. These are the "me, me, me" types, whose elbows, cameras, and flappy jackets (yes, you, girl, you are far from forgiven) hook into unsuspecting riders and end their careers. They don't particularly care about cycling, they just want to be on tv for free, and yes, this set includes those dopey gits who run alongside, especially the ones who dress up or take off their clothes.

The "right" sort of spectators are, of course, the many wonderful folks who present the backs of their heads to the passing camera bikes, as they are concentrating on looking for the approaching riders. We like them.

So what can be done?

As Bernie Eisel said, cycling is the one sport where the crowds can get really, really close to the action, and that is what makes it unique, special, and spectacular. And it's free. That is a wonderful legacy, and long may it continue.

But we really need to do something to educate people about rider safely.

There is a strange little promotional video being shown during race footage at present, it's called something like "respect our sport" and it features a large number of international riders asking the viewer to "respect" them. It features footage of charming tiny children toddling around beside the road, and a dog walking on the pavement. It does also show the dreadful mountain-top road-blocking fans, but it shows them opening up before the riders in a way that, frankly, looks quite magical.

In my opinion, it completely fails to address the problem.

For a start, it does not clearly state what the problem is. Someone who is new to the sport will simply see that tiny children and dogs are clearly welcome at races, and that people stand on the road but that's fine, because the riders just keep on going and everyone gets out of the way, no problem. Oh, riders fall off from time to time but that seems to be part of the game. Footballers fall off and pull faces like that all the time, and these bicycle guys are obviously not as badly hurt as footballers, as they get up and get back on their bikes, so they're not really being hurt, right?

This video needs to clearly state "this is how to do it" and "this is what not to do".

It needs to show one of the many spectator-caused crashes with slo-mo freeze-frame of the moment of impact, then the rider covered with blood, and then the spectator being led away by Police.

The phrase "respect our sport" or whatever it is (I've seen it four or five times and it has made so little impact on me that I can't remember the punchline, therefore as a marketing exercise it has FAILED) is so ambiguous that it's ridiculous - it could well be interpreted as simple "Clap us, as we go past."

The final shot, if I remember it rightly, is Teejay "Bumfluff" Van Garderen pointing at the camera with a serious face, then laughing.  Laughing! Yeah, right, it's a really serious message *sarcastically* and you have just undermined it completely by laughing.

It needs to say, simply, "Stand Back."

That's all. 

A little bit of "keep small children and dogs on leads" would be good, and a dollop of "The Road Is Ours" or "We Need All The Road" in the middle would pad it out a bit, but the main message, in every language they have, should simply be "Stand Back."

It seems that Daniele Colli, the Nippo-Vini Fantini Rider whose elbow and arm bone were broken in the crash caused by a spectator leaning over the barrier with a camera, is going to sue that spectator: he is filing a criminal complaint, and his team are opening a civil action for compensation.

We all remember Stage 9 of the 2011 Tour, when Flecha ("Handsome Dude!") and Hoogerland were hit by the French TV car: in November 2014, three years later, Hoogerland finally received compensation from the car's insurance company, and Flecha won a criminal suit against the insurance company, receiving a small payout, and was going through the compensation case.

But that was a car, an insurance company: Nippo-Vini Fantini are going against an individual, and I have no idea if they will be able to get any sort of compensation.

However, whether or not the case is successful, I hope that it is widely publicised, in order to get the message across that if you cause an accident, you will not be allowed to melt into the crowd and "get away with it".

Please, people: Just Stand Back.

Pink Knickers For The Giro!

You are quite right, Schlecklanders - there's a ton of cycling on tv and I have hardly written a word about it.

There is a perfectly good reason for this:  I've been in Andyhab again, for being caught looking up the cost of flights to Lux (£39) and for just casually mentioning that Itzig is quite close to the Howald Tunnel *sighs*.

However, I've been let out on a special pass, on condition that I wear pink knickers *checks - yes, pink* and don't keep saying "well, it's a shame that Andy isn't riding in it" as Andy only rode the Giro once, in 2007, and never since, so it's not exactly a case of "the Giro isn't the same without him" in the way that le Tour is. Mind you, the one time he did ride the Giro, he come second, not bad, eh?!

So, anyone else watching the Giro? So far it's been far too exciting: the Prologue TTT went with a swish with not one single rider hitting the deck, although it was pretty strange to see Team Sky being beaten by FdJ... no offence meant to FdJ, but they beat Sky??? Predictably, O'rica won it, with Stinkoff coming in second, although Conti did look a bit like a dying duck in a thunderstorm towards the end, much to my secret amusement. Sorry, Contador fans, I still haven't quite forgiven him for Chaingate.

Then on Day 2 we had crash after crash, including that massive and really stupid one with 10k to go, when an idiot spectator on a bike hopped off the pavement and rode right into the peloton, with the expected result:  *sound effect of skittles*

Poor old Barbie Barbie (Heinrich Haussler) hit the deck there, and then again within about two minutes, he was not having a good day.

Sky had a  better day, with Viviani taking the stage, putting Michael "Bling" Matthews into the pink jersey, thus avoiding all the fuss and kerfuffle that goes with wearing the jersey. Cunning plan, Sky!

As for today's stage, Bling won it, thus consolidating himself as leader: but there was another heart-stopping crash when poor little Pozzovivo took a tumble while descending, and for a horrible moment it looked like a replay of four years ago, as he was airlifted off to hospital. Luckily he was not badly hurt, although presumably he is now out of the Giro, as he didn't finish the stage.

Talking of four years ago, it's good to see that the organisers are still honouring the number 108 by removing it from the roster. To be honest, I did think that they would only do so for a year or two, then quietly let it fizzle out. 

OK Schlecklanders, that's all I have time for tonight, but I promise I will try to keep up to date with what's going on *searches for planning permission in Itzig* 

Hmm, just one more thing, *checks over shoulder to make sure LLB isn't listening* Itzig is a very small place, but there are a couple of houses for sale.

In the UK, we would describe this as "ideal for the diy enthusiast" which is a polite way of saying that it is virtually derelict.

I don't even know what room this is supposed to be!

A kitchen?

A bathroom?

Either way, definitely ideal for the diy enthusiast.

But I quite like the attic, it definitely has potential.

It's hard to know how big the house is, as they seem to go on overall square footage, and being told that a house has 160m2 does not give me any idea as to whether it is spacious, or grotty.

But it could be yours, Schlecklanders, for just 495,000 Euros, that's about £345k or $552k.

Tempted, anyone? *laughs*