Honestly, we are still struggling with the legacy of PEDs in cycling: we had the controversy of Fabian and the alleged motor-in-the-frame, we've only just stopped laughing about the Team Sky skin-suits (jealous comments from certain French non-Tour-winning teams saying the new fabric gave a 25 second advantage, yeah, right!), and now a blatant example of cheating has slipped under the radar.
Fabio "Ugly Boy" Aru has admitted - admitted! Has he no shame? - that he has undergone surgery to enhance his performance.
Outrageous!
Team Sky members must be quivering in their bib-shorts this morning, wondering if they will be forced to undergo surgery in order to make a not-exactly-marginal gain. (that is a JOKE.)
Anyone with the tiniest bit of a snuffle, or any rider who regularly flails his way up a hill with mouth a-gape will no doubt be looking this up on the internet to see if it could benefit them.
What has he done?
He's had his nose enlarged. (mutters of "as if it wasn't large enough to start with...") Well, to be accurate, in January this year, he had some of the inner workings of his nose removed to allow more air in.
Isn't that cheating? How far is that from "oh, if my legs were longer I would have a more efficient pedal stroke so I'll have both legs surgically broken and pins inserted to make them 1.25cms longer" or something of that type?
Will we see members of the peloton turning to surgery to give themselves the perfect physical form?
What are the UCI going to say about that - you can't add a wing or a hump to a skinsuit, but you can have your nose enlarged?
And the most important and soul-searching question of all: while the surgeons were fiddling about with his nose, could they not have made him a bit less ugly?
Friday 7 July 2017
Wednesday 5 July 2017
Tour de France 2017 - sprint deviation
What with all the kerfuffle about Peter Sagan elbowing Cav and his subsequent dismissal from the Tour, not to mention poor Cav being now out of the Tour himself with a broken shoulder, it's easy to overlook that there were other problems on the day.
Apparently Boo-hoo-hanni was ALSO blocked on his way to the sprint.
Ha! Ha!
Poor cry-baby Bouhanni, bleating to the press that he was cut off in the sprint, otherwise he would clearly have won it, as he is clearly the bestest ever sprinter ("not"). At least he stopped short of demanding that Arnaud Demare, sprint winner, should also be thrown off the Tour....
Apparently Boo-hoo-hanni was ALSO blocked on his way to the sprint.
Ha! Ha!
Poor cry-baby Bouhanni, bleating to the press that he was cut off in the sprint, otherwise he would clearly have won it, as he is clearly the bestest ever sprinter ("not"). At least he stopped short of demanding that Arnaud Demare, sprint winner, should also be thrown off the Tour....
Tour de France 2017: Day 4 - I can't believe it's not on Youtube!
Day three was a typical first-week Tour day - a long day in the saddle, nothing much happens for five hours, then a bunch sprint at the end, won by Peter Soggy Sagan. Sky still have Geraint Thomas in yellow, and three out of the top ten places. OK, that last bit is not exactly typical, but very satisfying for all us Sky fans.
Day 4 however, started in Mondorf, home town of the Andy Schleck, and I didn't quite manage to get the day off work, hop on a plane, and be there for the start. Drat! However, I was optimistic that someone somewhere would manage to get an interview with Our Glorious (Former) Leader, and BikeGirl confirmed that this happened - but where is it? I haven't seen the stage yet, I have my fingers crossed that LLB recorded it and - most importantly - doesn't delete it before I get a chance to watch it. I assumed that someone would put up the clip on Yootoob but so far, no sign of it.
Darn!
Meanwhile, in the rest of world, Day 4 was another of those long, flat days, designed to take the stuffing out of the riders, and test their stamina. It ended in a bunch sprint, and this time Soggy Sagan, for an unknown reason, elbowed Mark Cavendish in the final metres, flung him into the barriers, and left him crashed and broken on the ground. Mark's out with a broken shoulder, and Sagan has apparently been disqualified and thrown off the race, although it's half past six in the morning as I write, and things may yet change before the day starts in Europe.
Having watched videos of the sprint, it does look rather like a nasty, spiteful elbow. But if Cav had only hit the deck, and hadn't broken his scapula (ouch!!) would it still have been a DQ? Or would it just have been a fine and a time loss?
Day 4 however, started in Mondorf, home town of the Andy Schleck, and I didn't quite manage to get the day off work, hop on a plane, and be there for the start. Drat! However, I was optimistic that someone somewhere would manage to get an interview with Our Glorious (Former) Leader, and BikeGirl confirmed that this happened - but where is it? I haven't seen the stage yet, I have my fingers crossed that LLB recorded it and - most importantly - doesn't delete it before I get a chance to watch it. I assumed that someone would put up the clip on Yootoob but so far, no sign of it.
Darn!
Meanwhile, in the rest of world, Day 4 was another of those long, flat days, designed to take the stuffing out of the riders, and test their stamina. It ended in a bunch sprint, and this time Soggy Sagan, for an unknown reason, elbowed Mark Cavendish in the final metres, flung him into the barriers, and left him crashed and broken on the ground. Mark's out with a broken shoulder, and Sagan has apparently been disqualified and thrown off the race, although it's half past six in the morning as I write, and things may yet change before the day starts in Europe.
Having watched videos of the sprint, it does look rather like a nasty, spiteful elbow. But if Cav had only hit the deck, and hadn't broken his scapula (ouch!!) would it still have been a DQ? Or would it just have been a fine and a time loss?
Monday 3 July 2017
Tour de France 2017: Day Two. Bunch sprint and Big crashes
Well, I have to say that Sky have possibly peaked: they start this second day of the Tour with G in Yellow, Schleckland Pet and Diesel Engine Vasil Kiryenka in Green (who'd've thought it!!) and the whole team in yellow hats (except for Kiri, who's wearing a green hat) for leading the team classification. Also, Stefan Kung has defected from the Red Team and has joined Sky in the White Block for now, as he's in the White Young Riders' jersey.
Can it get better? Will it be only downhill from here? Will G stay in Yellow right to the end?
Who can tell... but we'll be watching with interest, I can tell you: this is the best, most exciting start to a Tour that I've ever seen, and I've been watching for over a decade now.
So, this is the Tour of the Helmets: the only way to differentiate the members of the gigantic Red Team, Black Team, and now the White Block, is by their helmets. I'm well bogged off with Sky, by the way, for going to white for the Tour: for heaven's sake, whose bright idea was that? They have a totally distinctive, 100% successful existing livery, easily spotted from all sides, tasteful, stylish, etc, and they change it to a white jersey - a foolish move considering all the white Nationals jerseys, not to mention poor old Krys, sponsor of the Young Rider jersey and apparently quite cross about it all - which is almost identical to that of Trek, and on which the blue stripe can't even be seen from above. I don't even know what hats they were planning to wear - they had white ones with a blue stripe for the TT, so presumably it was going to be white lids for everyday wear as well, had they not been holding the Teams classification and therefore allowed to wear yellow lids. Like at least two other teams, three if you count the nasty "gold" of Bahrain Merida.
Ho hum.
So, stage 2: the first proper day of racing, and on paper it was a fairly standard Tour first-week day, being mostly sort of flattish, with a bunch sprint at the end. As predicted by me, Wanty ("Go, Bears!") were in the break, and the four of them spent the whole day out there all alone, in the rain.
Talking of the rain, and the White Block, there was an added complication today when it started to rain: Team Sky put on their normal black Sky gilets and the White Team suddenly lost a whole batch of riders, while the Black Team smugly expanded. And Team Jumbo were astonished to find that G was suddenly riding for them!
Honestly, UCI and ASO, you are really going to have to do something about this kit issue!
After the slips and spills yesterday, the commentators are going on about safety, barriers etc for at least the first hour of racing, so LLB and I decided that the answer was for fans to bring along their own "pad", which they could hang over the barrier in front of themselves. Teams could sell covers, in team livery: there you go, job done!
At 28k to go, there was a totally unexpected hand-grenade right at the very front of the bunch - one of the Dark Lords slid sideways and took out the whole of the peloton, the whole of Team Sky, the Maillot Jaune, and everyone. Panic!
This meant that we didn't see any more of the valiant break until they were caught with just barely 1k to go - awww! We would have liked Taylor Phinney to get the stage win, it's great to see him coming back from 3 years recuperation after a horrendous injury: but at least he got the KOM jersey. And we would also have liked to see Wanty get the stage win, as Offredo has had his own share of trauma this year, as he was attacked while out training by two blokes in a car, with a baseball bat and a knife, resulting in a broken nose, broken rib, and knife wounds to the face and arms. What is this world coming to? Anyway, he, too, has recovered from those injuries and deserved a win, but instead he got the most combative rider, which is something, at least.
There was a horrible moment just after the finish, when the leaderboard gave Ugly Aru 9th place. What??!! Phew, it was all a mistake, what a relief. I can't tell you where the lovely Jakob Fuglsang came, as ASO haven't put up the full results yet. But I would imagine that they both came in with the bunch, so they will still be just 2 seconds apart.
Now, one final point before I go: to my eternal shame, I have only just noticed that stage 4 starts in Mondorf. Mondorf!! Damn, there isn't time to get a day off work and book a plane ticket. I just hope that someone remembers to interview a famous former rider who just happens to live there.....
Can it get better? Will it be only downhill from here? Will G stay in Yellow right to the end?
Who can tell... but we'll be watching with interest, I can tell you: this is the best, most exciting start to a Tour that I've ever seen, and I've been watching for over a decade now.
So, this is the Tour of the Helmets: the only way to differentiate the members of the gigantic Red Team, Black Team, and now the White Block, is by their helmets. I'm well bogged off with Sky, by the way, for going to white for the Tour: for heaven's sake, whose bright idea was that? They have a totally distinctive, 100% successful existing livery, easily spotted from all sides, tasteful, stylish, etc, and they change it to a white jersey - a foolish move considering all the white Nationals jerseys, not to mention poor old Krys, sponsor of the Young Rider jersey and apparently quite cross about it all - which is almost identical to that of Trek, and on which the blue stripe can't even be seen from above. I don't even know what hats they were planning to wear - they had white ones with a blue stripe for the TT, so presumably it was going to be white lids for everyday wear as well, had they not been holding the Teams classification and therefore allowed to wear yellow lids. Like at least two other teams, three if you count the nasty "gold" of Bahrain Merida.
Ho hum.
So, stage 2: the first proper day of racing, and on paper it was a fairly standard Tour first-week day, being mostly sort of flattish, with a bunch sprint at the end. As predicted by me, Wanty ("Go, Bears!") were in the break, and the four of them spent the whole day out there all alone, in the rain.
Talking of the rain, and the White Block, there was an added complication today when it started to rain: Team Sky put on their normal black Sky gilets and the White Team suddenly lost a whole batch of riders, while the Black Team smugly expanded. And Team Jumbo were astonished to find that G was suddenly riding for them!
Honestly, UCI and ASO, you are really going to have to do something about this kit issue!
After the slips and spills yesterday, the commentators are going on about safety, barriers etc for at least the first hour of racing, so LLB and I decided that the answer was for fans to bring along their own "pad", which they could hang over the barrier in front of themselves. Teams could sell covers, in team livery: there you go, job done!
At 28k to go, there was a totally unexpected hand-grenade right at the very front of the bunch - one of the Dark Lords slid sideways and took out the whole of the peloton, the whole of Team Sky, the Maillot Jaune, and everyone. Panic!
This meant that we didn't see any more of the valiant break until they were caught with just barely 1k to go - awww! We would have liked Taylor Phinney to get the stage win, it's great to see him coming back from 3 years recuperation after a horrendous injury: but at least he got the KOM jersey. And we would also have liked to see Wanty get the stage win, as Offredo has had his own share of trauma this year, as he was attacked while out training by two blokes in a car, with a baseball bat and a knife, resulting in a broken nose, broken rib, and knife wounds to the face and arms. What is this world coming to? Anyway, he, too, has recovered from those injuries and deserved a win, but instead he got the most combative rider, which is something, at least.
There was a horrible moment just after the finish, when the leaderboard gave Ugly Aru 9th place. What??!! Phew, it was all a mistake, what a relief. I can't tell you where the lovely Jakob Fuglsang came, as ASO haven't put up the full results yet. But I would imagine that they both came in with the bunch, so they will still be just 2 seconds apart.
Now, one final point before I go: to my eternal shame, I have only just noticed that stage 4 starts in Mondorf. Mondorf!! Damn, there isn't time to get a day off work and book a plane ticket. I just hope that someone remembers to interview a famous former rider who just happens to live there.....
Sunday 2 July 2017
Tour de France 2017: Day One, Time Trial. Or: Hooray For LouLou!
Hooray for LouLou Fuglsang, she had their baby earlier this week! Good girl, LouLou!
Why such joy and elation? Well, if the baby had arrived on schedule, ie sometime next week, there was a good chance that Jakob would have left the Tour in order to be there, and quite right too: but thankfully the lovely LouLou managed to produce their baby girl a little bit early (nothing to do with all the Jakob fans gritting their teeth, and murmuring "Push! Push!" under their breath for the last fortnight: no, nothing to do with that at all) so the lovely Jakob could attend the Tour with a clear conscience and a heart full of joy. So welcome to Jamie Lou (no idea if I spelled that correctly, that's what it sounded like in the interview) and heartfelt thanks to your Mummy for bravely allowing hubby to go on a road trip around France for the next three weeks!
So, on to business: Day one, ITT, just to get some gaps and some jerseys out there.
Talking of which, how odd to see Peter "more fun than a jammy dodger" Sagan (ah, Figgy, where are you now, you funny little creature?) in the black Bora kit, instead of his apparently permanent white Worlds hoops. What with that, and the hair suddenly made invisible (presumably some industrial strength hair bands under that helmet), he was only recognisable by his bow legged style. As usual, he went off like a train: love him or hate him, he's an incredible athlete. Pity he has such a whiney voice, though....
It was interesting to hear Ned Boulting ("How's that yellow Jumper, Ned?" *laughs*) (in-joke referring to his book "How I Won The Yellow Jumper" which LLB gave me for Christmas) confirm the consternation at the plethora of white jerseys, on the part of both commentators and officials: apparently Trek were dead miffed that they unveiled their new kit shortly after Sky had unveiled theirs - and the two are very nearly identical. Oops.
What did I say about having a Kit Officer? How long have I been saying it?
Interestingly, when I came back to this blog yesterday, after a gap of , ooh, about a year (look, I'm still getting over the loss of Andy Schleck, ok?!) I found that I'd left a blog entry as a draft, from last June, it started thus:
"How many times am I going to have to say this?
Cycling needs a single point of reference for kit design, where they can submit their draft colours, and be told how many other teams are already using that combination.
There need not be any names mentioned (is a new kit really that much of a "let's keep it secret" item?), and I would be perfectly happy to volunteer for the position: I would also be compelled to make a few comments on the kit design, although I would take care never to use a highlighter pen, as we all know that's how the Vini Fantini kit originated."
Clearly I don't have enough influence (cries of "Mr Cookson! Sir! Why aren't you reading my blog? I've been saying you could reduce accidents in the peloton by telling teams to supply a nine-man team but only 7 of them ride each day, with GC contestants having to ride every day, but domestiques being interchangeable etc for YEARS!!") so it's up to you, dear readers, to publicise this blog at every opportunity: link to it, follow it, tell your friends about it, tweet about it, please!
Anyway, back to le Tour: the weather was filthy, and not a particularly nice course either: highly technical, lots of evil sharp corners, some scarily narrow bits (that section with the yellow barriers made me flinch every time), all on town roads, and the rain made it as slippery as you want - at one point, Jumbo's George Bennett crashed, requiring a new bike, and the mechanic who pushed him off did a perfect Torville and Dean slide along the road in his wake.
It was interesting to see the tactics - some riders were clearly protecting themselves against a disastrous injury by tiptoeing tentatively round the greasy corners, while other, non-GC guys could fling themselves around with gay abandon, taking the chance of getting a bit of a lead while they could.
The lovely Jakob made it round safely in 70th position: he ended up just 54seconds down on GC and what's more to the point, he only lost 2 seconds to Fabio Ugly "Eddie the Mad Flat Mate" Aru. That's about as much as we can hope for, at this point.
Meanwhile, round the back of the Ass-t'na bus:
Jakob is on the phone.
LouLou: "Hello?"
Jakob: "Babe! "
LouLou: "Darling boy! "
Jakob: "You ok? "
LouLou: "We're both fine - how's the plan going? "
Jakob: "Really well, I let him get 2 seconds on me. "
LouLou: "Nice! Is he all smug and smirky? "
Jakob: "Yeah, huh! *laughs* He's trying to be all like 'oh, we'll support each other, we work really well together' but I know he plans to ditch me and steam off later on. "
LouLou: "Of course - but you won't let him, will you? "
Jakob: "Nope: the plan is On Track. "
LouLou: "Great stuff. Ellker doo mar? "
Jakob: "Yay... yar elker darr."
[that last bit is phonetic, as I don't speak Danish]
Talking about the course, I feel slightly guilty about Anyone But Valverde, as he is now rather spectacularly out of the race, having slidded off (as Sean Kelly says) into a barrier, breaking his kneecap and bashing his head quite hard as well. I was hoping he'd have an unspecified stomach upset: I didn't really want him to have a serious crash. But heyho, such is the power of Schleckland.
Of course, half the armchair commentators are now bleating about unsafe courses, but come on, it was raining, it was on town roads, it was a TT, of course people are going to crash. Remember every other single edition of the Tour, first week? Clear blue skies, flat boring stages, kaboom! a hand-grenade goes off in the peloton, tons of crashes, and we usually lose half a dozen riders in the first week. It's nothing new. The course was technical, but not dangerous: as the winner, Geraint Thomas of Sky, said "if you don't want to fall off, don't go so fast." And he got round the course faster than anyone else. If you watch any of the many videos of that TT, and in particular of Valverde's crash, you can see that he goes into that corner incredibly fast. At least he only fell because he misjudged his own speed: unlike certain other riders whose careers were cut short by falls which were caused by stupid spectators. Not to mention all the moto and car problems we've had recently. No, I won't accept any criticism of the course, it was purely down to the conditions and the will to win of the participants.
So, how did the White Block do? Surprisingly well, considering how many of them had to rip off the white jerseys and put on their normal team kits for the TT: despite this, they had 9 out of the top 10, if you count Quick-Step with their white shoulders. It looks as though this year's Tour is going to be all about the helmets!
As an aside, Tony Martin, the Dripping Cod, appeared in his white Worlds hoops, which is fine, but apparently he also holds the German National jersey for TT, which means that the German jersey is never going to be seen on tv, as the Worlds clearly trumps the Nationals. I think this is wrong: listen up, Mr Cookson, there needs to be two changes:
1) a new UCI rule saying that whoever wins a Worlds jersey should not be eligible to compete in their National for the same discipline in the same year: and:
2) move the dates so that the Worlds are held just a week or two before the Nationals, to make it easier to implement and enforce Rule 1).
Don't you agree?
It's a real shame that Tony Martin didn't actually win the TT - although I was thrilled to see Schleckland pet Vasil Kiryenka holding the top slot for so long - as it would have been a big boost to German cycling and, more to the point, German sponsorship. Oh well, if Tony couldn't win it, at least ...(*bites tongue to resist saying anyone but Valverde which would, frankly, be a bit tasteless at this point, as he's lying in a hospital with his kneecap in shreds awaiting surgery)...at least it was a British win, yay, G! Delighted to see him win it - I always love the man-hugs in lycra - with Froomey coming in a tactful 12 seconds down. Good to have no less than 40% of the top 10 slots occupied by Sky! *waves home-made Team Sky flag*
Have you ever noticed, by the way, how virtually all riders, no matter what their nationality, say "Yuh!" in a German accent, along with "For sure" instead of "certainly" in all of their interviews? G managed to say both of them in his pre-podium interview, despite being Welsh. The worst thing is that LLB and I have started saying it as well.
And finally, a note about change of allegiance: we recorded both the ITV4 coverage and the Eurosport coverage, in order to decide which one we would be following through the Tour this year. Alas, Eurosport have dragged Boring LeMond back in again, whose stuttering, stumbling, inarticulate burblings annoyed us so much last year. So we're abandoning them, and will be following ITV4 this year.
And what of today, Sunday? We're off to Liege for a bunch sprint, so there should be a hard day of the GC teams trying to stay on the front: I'm expecting Wanty ("Go, Bears!") to feature prominently in the break, and will be waving my flag for them. See you later!
Why such joy and elation? Well, if the baby had arrived on schedule, ie sometime next week, there was a good chance that Jakob would have left the Tour in order to be there, and quite right too: but thankfully the lovely LouLou managed to produce their baby girl a little bit early (nothing to do with all the Jakob fans gritting their teeth, and murmuring "Push! Push!" under their breath for the last fortnight: no, nothing to do with that at all) so the lovely Jakob could attend the Tour with a clear conscience and a heart full of joy. So welcome to Jamie Lou (no idea if I spelled that correctly, that's what it sounded like in the interview) and heartfelt thanks to your Mummy for bravely allowing hubby to go on a road trip around France for the next three weeks!
So, on to business: Day one, ITT, just to get some gaps and some jerseys out there.
Talking of which, how odd to see Peter "more fun than a jammy dodger" Sagan (ah, Figgy, where are you now, you funny little creature?) in the black Bora kit, instead of his apparently permanent white Worlds hoops. What with that, and the hair suddenly made invisible (presumably some industrial strength hair bands under that helmet), he was only recognisable by his bow legged style. As usual, he went off like a train: love him or hate him, he's an incredible athlete. Pity he has such a whiney voice, though....
It was interesting to hear Ned Boulting ("How's that yellow Jumper, Ned?" *laughs*) (in-joke referring to his book "How I Won The Yellow Jumper" which LLB gave me for Christmas) confirm the consternation at the plethora of white jerseys, on the part of both commentators and officials: apparently Trek were dead miffed that they unveiled their new kit shortly after Sky had unveiled theirs - and the two are very nearly identical. Oops.
What did I say about having a Kit Officer? How long have I been saying it?
Interestingly, when I came back to this blog yesterday, after a gap of , ooh, about a year (look, I'm still getting over the loss of Andy Schleck, ok?!) I found that I'd left a blog entry as a draft, from last June, it started thus:
"How many times am I going to have to say this?
Cycling needs a single point of reference for kit design, where they can submit their draft colours, and be told how many other teams are already using that combination.
There need not be any names mentioned (is a new kit really that much of a "let's keep it secret" item?), and I would be perfectly happy to volunteer for the position: I would also be compelled to make a few comments on the kit design, although I would take care never to use a highlighter pen, as we all know that's how the Vini Fantini kit originated."
Clearly I don't have enough influence (cries of "Mr Cookson! Sir! Why aren't you reading my blog? I've been saying you could reduce accidents in the peloton by telling teams to supply a nine-man team but only 7 of them ride each day, with GC contestants having to ride every day, but domestiques being interchangeable etc for YEARS!!") so it's up to you, dear readers, to publicise this blog at every opportunity: link to it, follow it, tell your friends about it, tweet about it, please!
Anyway, back to le Tour: the weather was filthy, and not a particularly nice course either: highly technical, lots of evil sharp corners, some scarily narrow bits (that section with the yellow barriers made me flinch every time), all on town roads, and the rain made it as slippery as you want - at one point, Jumbo's George Bennett crashed, requiring a new bike, and the mechanic who pushed him off did a perfect Torville and Dean slide along the road in his wake.
It was interesting to see the tactics - some riders were clearly protecting themselves against a disastrous injury by tiptoeing tentatively round the greasy corners, while other, non-GC guys could fling themselves around with gay abandon, taking the chance of getting a bit of a lead while they could.
The lovely Jakob made it round safely in 70th position: he ended up just 54seconds down on GC and what's more to the point, he only lost 2 seconds to Fabio Ugly "Eddie the Mad Flat Mate" Aru. That's about as much as we can hope for, at this point.
Meanwhile, round the back of the Ass-t'na bus:
Jakob is on the phone.
LouLou: "Hello?"
Jakob: "Babe! "
LouLou: "Darling boy! "
Jakob: "You ok? "
LouLou: "We're both fine - how's the plan going? "
Jakob: "Really well, I let him get 2 seconds on me. "
LouLou: "Nice! Is he all smug and smirky? "
Jakob: "Yeah, huh! *laughs* He's trying to be all like 'oh, we'll support each other, we work really well together' but I know he plans to ditch me and steam off later on. "
LouLou: "Of course - but you won't let him, will you? "
Jakob: "Nope: the plan is On Track. "
LouLou: "Great stuff. Ellker doo mar? "
Jakob: "Yay... yar elker darr."
[that last bit is phonetic, as I don't speak Danish]
Talking about the course, I feel slightly guilty about Anyone But Valverde, as he is now rather spectacularly out of the race, having slidded off (as Sean Kelly says) into a barrier, breaking his kneecap and bashing his head quite hard as well. I was hoping he'd have an unspecified stomach upset: I didn't really want him to have a serious crash. But heyho, such is the power of Schleckland.
Of course, half the armchair commentators are now bleating about unsafe courses, but come on, it was raining, it was on town roads, it was a TT, of course people are going to crash. Remember every other single edition of the Tour, first week? Clear blue skies, flat boring stages, kaboom! a hand-grenade goes off in the peloton, tons of crashes, and we usually lose half a dozen riders in the first week. It's nothing new. The course was technical, but not dangerous: as the winner, Geraint Thomas of Sky, said "if you don't want to fall off, don't go so fast." And he got round the course faster than anyone else. If you watch any of the many videos of that TT, and in particular of Valverde's crash, you can see that he goes into that corner incredibly fast. At least he only fell because he misjudged his own speed: unlike certain other riders whose careers were cut short by falls which were caused by stupid spectators. Not to mention all the moto and car problems we've had recently. No, I won't accept any criticism of the course, it was purely down to the conditions and the will to win of the participants.
So, how did the White Block do? Surprisingly well, considering how many of them had to rip off the white jerseys and put on their normal team kits for the TT: despite this, they had 9 out of the top 10, if you count Quick-Step with their white shoulders. It looks as though this year's Tour is going to be all about the helmets!
As an aside, Tony Martin, the Dripping Cod, appeared in his white Worlds hoops, which is fine, but apparently he also holds the German National jersey for TT, which means that the German jersey is never going to be seen on tv, as the Worlds clearly trumps the Nationals. I think this is wrong: listen up, Mr Cookson, there needs to be two changes:
1) a new UCI rule saying that whoever wins a Worlds jersey should not be eligible to compete in their National for the same discipline in the same year: and:
2) move the dates so that the Worlds are held just a week or two before the Nationals, to make it easier to implement and enforce Rule 1).
Don't you agree?
It's a real shame that Tony Martin didn't actually win the TT - although I was thrilled to see Schleckland pet Vasil Kiryenka holding the top slot for so long - as it would have been a big boost to German cycling and, more to the point, German sponsorship. Oh well, if Tony couldn't win it, at least ...(*bites tongue to resist saying anyone but Valverde which would, frankly, be a bit tasteless at this point, as he's lying in a hospital with his kneecap in shreds awaiting surgery)...at least it was a British win, yay, G! Delighted to see him win it - I always love the man-hugs in lycra - with Froomey coming in a tactful 12 seconds down. Good to have no less than 40% of the top 10 slots occupied by Sky! *waves home-made Team Sky flag*
Have you ever noticed, by the way, how virtually all riders, no matter what their nationality, say "Yuh!" in a German accent, along with "For sure" instead of "certainly" in all of their interviews? G managed to say both of them in his pre-podium interview, despite being Welsh. The worst thing is that LLB and I have started saying it as well.
And finally, a note about change of allegiance: we recorded both the ITV4 coverage and the Eurosport coverage, in order to decide which one we would be following through the Tour this year. Alas, Eurosport have dragged Boring LeMond back in again, whose stuttering, stumbling, inarticulate burblings annoyed us so much last year. So we're abandoning them, and will be following ITV4 this year.
And what of today, Sunday? We're off to Liege for a bunch sprint, so there should be a hard day of the GC teams trying to stay on the front: I'm expecting Wanty ("Go, Bears!") to feature prominently in the break, and will be waving my flag for them. See you later!
Saturday 1 July 2017
Tour de France 2017: Team Presentation
Yay, it's Tour Time!
Yesterday we had the Team Presentation, a somewhat sadistic ritual where every rider has to be presented to a small crowd in the town where the Tour is going to start that year: instead of resting and preparing for the ordeal to come, they have to put on their smiley faces, pedal their bikes onto a stage, answering inane questions from hyperactive hosts ("So tell me *glances at notes* Eduardo, what are your aims for the next three weeks?" Answer - we're here to try to win the bloody Tour you fool, what do you think?) then pedal off again. A whole wasted afternoon or evening, for a 30-second appearance. I often wonder what they think about it.
In past years, these Presentations have become increasingly lavish, with teams being delivered to the stage by small boats (hanging over the side throwing up), having had to cycle over a sandy beach (stopping for punctures along the way), being entertained on stage with cirque du soleil, or having to watch, mystified, as the curtain of water attempts to spell out their team names (diabolically clever but half the time it didn't actually work...).
This year we start in Dusseldorf, which should have been a fantastic celebration of the fact that Germany is finally getting back into pro cycling, having withdrawn from the scene in disgust in 2012 after a series of doping scandals.
However, they picked a location on the river - which all sounds very nice, but meant that the majority of the non-close-up coverage showed a very ordinary outdoor stage, the type they throw up in parks for amateur bands and fundraisers, with nothing behind it other than a few industrial buildings in the far distance. OK, not helped by the fact that it was a nasty grey day... but the setting was far from beautiful.
This time the riders were funnelled into the stage "along the Rhine" which again sounds nice, but of course the pathway was well below the parapet height, so we couldn't see the river at all.
To create some interest along the way, the organisers had set up a series of extremely cheap tableaux, consisting of people in costume standing on white boxes. These were supposed to represent the great and the good of Dusseldorf, apparently: some historical figures that we had never heard of, some dummies in red jumpers representing the pop group Kraftwerk, of whom we have indeed heard: a Japanese geisha ("why? why?") and some utterly bizarre cowgirls in black and white with frilly knickers, whose white box said Dusseldorf Karneval, and who valiantly strived to wave their arms and legs (and show off their frilly knickers) as each team rode by. Occasionally causing a bit of a distraction to the riders.
After this cheapest of the cheap entries, the riders swung up the ramp, and were greeted by the two hosts, one of which was the one and only Jensi! My, isn't he tall? I was slightly disappointed that he wasn't wearing a "Shut Up Legs!" tee-shirt, but maybe he didn't want to completely outshine the alleged presentation. Like most riders, he speaks several languages which came in very handy for a team presentation, and he was surprisingly deft with the whole thing, up to and including the time when he started to interview the wrong rider, and had to be directed half way down the line up to the correct person.
Looking back at 2017 so far, for a moment, the running joke has been that the peloton consists of the Black Team, the Red Team, the Blue Team and a few oddments. However, for le Tour, several of the teams have gone to a white kit, which is utterly confusing and perfectly pointless. Particularly when you consider that most of the National jerseys are white... and that there is a White Jersey to be won. Ho hum.
How many times, in these pages, have I said that there ought to be a Team Kit Officer who keeps details of all team kits, and has to be consulted when teams redesign or change? They would keep all details confidential, of course, but would be able to say, when approached by a team thinking of changing to, say, white, "of course you can change to white, but you should know that four teams have already decided to do so." which might allow teams to pick something different, before committing time and money to new kit.
However, the UCI seem to be ignoring my sensible suggestion, and have allowed a mass of white for this year's Tour, which should make the helicopter shots amusing.
So, who do we have in the Tour this year? Here's a quick run-through.
Giant Alpecin - sorry, Sunweb - are already mostly white, so they started the ball rolling at the presentation, followed by Fortuneo-Vital Concept ("shitsmall team") also in mostly white.
Bahrain-Merida stay in the Red Team: Wanty Group-Gobert (for whom I shall be rooting, yay! Go, Bears!) are in their usual dark blue, but are allocated to the Black Team for helicopter shot purposes. LLB and I like them in particular for their bright red bar tape, which makes them easy to pick out in moto shots, even when their kit looks so much like the other members of the Black Team.
Lotto Jumbo, who stupidly chose yellow and black as their team colours and have always been a bit too close to the Maillot Jaune, announced that in order to respect the leader's jersey, they have reversed their colours for the tour. So they now have black bodies, and yellow shoulders and arms.
But oh dear, have they never watched any tv footage?
When they approach, all you can see are those bright yellow shoulders
and arms. Oops.
Horribly close to them in colour, we have Deerect Enerdhjee, the ones with the Hula Hoops on their shoulders. Definitely in the Black Team.
Also in the Black Team are Bora Hansgrohe, apart from three of their team who are wearing white: Petter "more fun than a jammy dodger" Sagan in his Worlds hoops: his brother Whatshisname Sagan in his Nationals white, and Marcus Berkhaut in his own Nationals white.
Talking of Sagan, what is he thinking?
Peter, mate, this is not a good look!
It looks as though his mum combed his hair back into a ponytail at the nape of the neck, tied it in a rubber band, then hacked off everything below the band, leaving him with a bizarre longer-at-the-front girly bob.
O'rica Scott are, thankfully, still in dark blue, so they remain in the Black Team: Chaves (great-great-grandson of Quintana, who is 103 this year) made the most of his big cheesy grin on the stage, despite being about a foot shorter than the host.
UAE slightly buck the trend, as they are officially in white jerseys, but they have black shoulders, so I'm not quite sure whether to allocate them to the White Block, or to put them in the Black Team. Might have to wait and see on that one.
Ass-t'na are keeping their bright blue and thankfully, are now in black shorts, so they are moving away from the Pyjama Boys look. Annoyingly, the lovely Jakob is no longer Team Leader and GC hope, despite being in the form of his life: the utterly unlovely Fabio "Eddie the mad flat mate" Aru has been given the Tour leadership to make up for him missing the Giro due to injury. The official line is that they are co-leaders, but you just know that Aru is thinking "right, I'll let him help me all the way, then I'll push him over a barrier when no-one's looking, mwah ha ha". It's particularly annoying because Jakob has just re-signed with Ass-t'na for another two years, having made noises in the press earlier this year that he was thinking of changing teams. And to add insult to injury, Ugly Aru has not yet re-signed, as he's asking for an awful lot of money (Euros 3k, I read) and Vino is not entirely sure that he's worth it. But has still put him in le Tour. Oh well, let's hope that he, Aru, does a great job helping Jakob for the first couple of weeks, then contracts an unspecified stomach upset and has to leave. *sniggers*
Here's the lovely Jakob enjoying a giggle with former team-mate Jensi, and displaying a rather weird parting.
A parting, Jakob? Is this a new trend? What will it look like after having a helmet on it for five hours?
(Silly question: the answer, when dealing with Jakob, is invariably "it will look cool and stylish" no matter what he does!)
Actually I'm a bit worried that we might lose Jakob altogether this Tour, as his wife LouLou is due to give birth to their first baby: a month ago, Jakob said in an interview that it was due a week into the Tour, but they were hoping it would come early. I don't have any news as to whether it's arrived or not - anyone know?
We get an additional interview with Jakob a short while later, as Laura grabs him for a quick word. Amusingly, he refers to Chris Froome, defending champion, as "Froomey". *laughs*
So, back to the Presentation: Cannondale Drapac roll up, firmly in green, yay! and lead by Schleckland Pet, Pierre Rolland. Fingers crossed, Pierre! Next come Lotto Soudal lead by Gummy Bear Gruipel, and thankfully they are still in the Red Team.
Trek Segafredo - still smarting from the shame of having an EPO positive - roll up next, and have gone to mostly white jerseys. Right, stuff them into the White Block.
As a mildly interesting aside, our Eurosport coverage gave us the lovely Laura interviewing Ugly Aru at exactly the same moment that Trek took the stage, so we had to listen to him bleating on, while lip-reading the on-stage interview with Contador. It would appear that Eurosport think Contador is less important than Aru. Interesting...
Dimension Data are lead up by Mark Cavendish, recovering from glandular fever and not quite sure if he's going to be ready: they are mostly in the Black Team, apart from one infiltrator, Steve Cummings, who is in the white Nationals jersey. And, as he also won the TT at the Nationals, he will be in white every day! The big disappointment of this team is that Edvald Boassen-Hagen is, for the first time in many years, not in his super Nationals jersey which, like Belgium's one, is not a boring white jersey with coloured stripes on, but has the whole flag on it.
Cofidis are next, lead by Boo-hoo-hanni (with an incredibly stupid haircut), and all in red, so they stay in the Red Team, as are BMC
Then come Quick-Step, a long-standing member of the Blue Team, although I note that they have white shoulders - but I'm not sure if they just added them, or if I just hadn't noticed before...
The Dark Lords have abandoned the Red Team with their cheerful, high-visibility K on the back, and have gone to white jerseys. Another set for the White Block; check.
FDJ are an oddity, they are already half-blue, half white, so they get allocated to teams depending on which side the camera is. Except for the one in the Nationals jersey, he'll be in the White Team for most of the Tour.
Movistar are still in blue with the Wiggly Worm on it, but they get allocated to the Black Team as it's such a dark blue. Unfortunately they have brought along Valverde ("Anyone But Valverde") but there's always the chance of illness. Fingers crossed, eh? Quintana, oldest person in the race, is as impassive as ever: I wonder if he's had botox on that face? Trying to keep his looks, once he got past 80, perhaps?
AG2R (pronounced Aah-dhjee-duurs-air, as we all know) are already mostly white: Jensi interviews Roman Bardet and asks "So, you came second in the GC last year when you were only 12, what are you hoping for, now that you are a teenager?"
But they have an imposter - what's Philly Gilly doing in their team line up?
Oh wait, it's not him, it's someone else wearing the Belgian Nationals jersey, shock horror! He gets allocated to the Black Team, anyway.
Jensi managed to interview Jan Bakelandts without referring to his offensive remarks about podium girls and condoms, which must have been a bit of a strain.
Finally, Team Sky arrive: they have abandoned the Black Team and have gone to white jerseys with the blue stripe - now almost invisible - down the back. As they cycle along the approach, Christian Knees is pushing Froomey: to those of us who watch a lot of cycling, it does rather look as though Froomey is taking a natural break, but luckily he is just filming. They are followed by a bloke in black on a mountain bike: hmm, either a very keen spectator, or possibly some low-key security?
Sky, too, have a Nationals jersey, but it doesn't matter, as they whole team are in the White Block anyway.
Chris Froome speaks briefly about how pleased he is to be back, as defending champion, but he's clearly not going to win again this year: just look at the length of his hair! One eighth of an inch is just sooo non-aero, I'm surprised he was allowed to grow it so long. He won't be able to climb with all that lot swishing round his ankles!
And that was that - possibly the cheapest, dullest Team Presentation every done. Most of the riders were, disgracefully, on their mobile phones all the way through, including while on stage: either taking selfies, taking pics, or updating their status ("On Stage. LOL.") instead of paying attention and respect to the presentation. Could it get any worse? Yes, it does: a children's choir. Unmelodic, out of time, and then mercifully muted as Laura interviews Quintana.
Oh well, it's over now, and today we start real coverage - yay!
Yesterday we had the Team Presentation, a somewhat sadistic ritual where every rider has to be presented to a small crowd in the town where the Tour is going to start that year: instead of resting and preparing for the ordeal to come, they have to put on their smiley faces, pedal their bikes onto a stage, answering inane questions from hyperactive hosts ("So tell me *glances at notes* Eduardo, what are your aims for the next three weeks?" Answer - we're here to try to win the bloody Tour you fool, what do you think?) then pedal off again. A whole wasted afternoon or evening, for a 30-second appearance. I often wonder what they think about it.
In past years, these Presentations have become increasingly lavish, with teams being delivered to the stage by small boats (hanging over the side throwing up), having had to cycle over a sandy beach (stopping for punctures along the way), being entertained on stage with cirque du soleil, or having to watch, mystified, as the curtain of water attempts to spell out their team names (diabolically clever but half the time it didn't actually work...).
This year we start in Dusseldorf, which should have been a fantastic celebration of the fact that Germany is finally getting back into pro cycling, having withdrawn from the scene in disgust in 2012 after a series of doping scandals.
However, they picked a location on the river - which all sounds very nice, but meant that the majority of the non-close-up coverage showed a very ordinary outdoor stage, the type they throw up in parks for amateur bands and fundraisers, with nothing behind it other than a few industrial buildings in the far distance. OK, not helped by the fact that it was a nasty grey day... but the setting was far from beautiful.
This time the riders were funnelled into the stage "along the Rhine" which again sounds nice, but of course the pathway was well below the parapet height, so we couldn't see the river at all.
To create some interest along the way, the organisers had set up a series of extremely cheap tableaux, consisting of people in costume standing on white boxes. These were supposed to represent the great and the good of Dusseldorf, apparently: some historical figures that we had never heard of, some dummies in red jumpers representing the pop group Kraftwerk, of whom we have indeed heard: a Japanese geisha ("why? why?") and some utterly bizarre cowgirls in black and white with frilly knickers, whose white box said Dusseldorf Karneval, and who valiantly strived to wave their arms and legs (and show off their frilly knickers) as each team rode by. Occasionally causing a bit of a distraction to the riders.
After this cheapest of the cheap entries, the riders swung up the ramp, and were greeted by the two hosts, one of which was the one and only Jensi! My, isn't he tall? I was slightly disappointed that he wasn't wearing a "Shut Up Legs!" tee-shirt, but maybe he didn't want to completely outshine the alleged presentation. Like most riders, he speaks several languages which came in very handy for a team presentation, and he was surprisingly deft with the whole thing, up to and including the time when he started to interview the wrong rider, and had to be directed half way down the line up to the correct person.
Looking back at 2017 so far, for a moment, the running joke has been that the peloton consists of the Black Team, the Red Team, the Blue Team and a few oddments. However, for le Tour, several of the teams have gone to a white kit, which is utterly confusing and perfectly pointless. Particularly when you consider that most of the National jerseys are white... and that there is a White Jersey to be won. Ho hum.
How many times, in these pages, have I said that there ought to be a Team Kit Officer who keeps details of all team kits, and has to be consulted when teams redesign or change? They would keep all details confidential, of course, but would be able to say, when approached by a team thinking of changing to, say, white, "of course you can change to white, but you should know that four teams have already decided to do so." which might allow teams to pick something different, before committing time and money to new kit.
However, the UCI seem to be ignoring my sensible suggestion, and have allowed a mass of white for this year's Tour, which should make the helicopter shots amusing.
So, who do we have in the Tour this year? Here's a quick run-through.
Giant Alpecin - sorry, Sunweb - are already mostly white, so they started the ball rolling at the presentation, followed by Fortuneo-Vital Concept ("shitsmall team") also in mostly white.
Bahrain-Merida stay in the Red Team: Wanty Group-Gobert (for whom I shall be rooting, yay! Go, Bears!) are in their usual dark blue, but are allocated to the Black Team for helicopter shot purposes. LLB and I like them in particular for their bright red bar tape, which makes them easy to pick out in moto shots, even when their kit looks so much like the other members of the Black Team.
Lotto Jumbo, who stupidly chose yellow and black as their team colours and have always been a bit too close to the Maillot Jaune, announced that in order to respect the leader's jersey, they have reversed their colours for the tour. So they now have black bodies, and yellow shoulders and arms.
Also in the Black Team are Bora Hansgrohe, apart from three of their team who are wearing white: Petter "more fun than a jammy dodger" Sagan in his Worlds hoops: his brother Whatshisname Sagan in his Nationals white, and Marcus Berkhaut in his own Nationals white.
Talking of Sagan, what is he thinking?
It looks as though his mum combed his hair back into a ponytail at the nape of the neck, tied it in a rubber band, then hacked off everything below the band, leaving him with a bizarre longer-at-the-front girly bob.
O'rica Scott are, thankfully, still in dark blue, so they remain in the Black Team: Chaves (great-great-grandson of Quintana, who is 103 this year) made the most of his big cheesy grin on the stage, despite being about a foot shorter than the host.
UAE slightly buck the trend, as they are officially in white jerseys, but they have black shoulders, so I'm not quite sure whether to allocate them to the White Block, or to put them in the Black Team. Might have to wait and see on that one.
Ass-t'na are keeping their bright blue and thankfully, are now in black shorts, so they are moving away from the Pyjama Boys look. Annoyingly, the lovely Jakob is no longer Team Leader and GC hope, despite being in the form of his life: the utterly unlovely Fabio "Eddie the mad flat mate" Aru has been given the Tour leadership to make up for him missing the Giro due to injury. The official line is that they are co-leaders, but you just know that Aru is thinking "right, I'll let him help me all the way, then I'll push him over a barrier when no-one's looking, mwah ha ha". It's particularly annoying because Jakob has just re-signed with Ass-t'na for another two years, having made noises in the press earlier this year that he was thinking of changing teams. And to add insult to injury, Ugly Aru has not yet re-signed, as he's asking for an awful lot of money (Euros 3k, I read) and Vino is not entirely sure that he's worth it. But has still put him in le Tour. Oh well, let's hope that he, Aru, does a great job helping Jakob for the first couple of weeks, then contracts an unspecified stomach upset and has to leave. *sniggers*
A parting, Jakob? Is this a new trend? What will it look like after having a helmet on it for five hours?
(Silly question: the answer, when dealing with Jakob, is invariably "it will look cool and stylish" no matter what he does!)
Actually I'm a bit worried that we might lose Jakob altogether this Tour, as his wife LouLou is due to give birth to their first baby: a month ago, Jakob said in an interview that it was due a week into the Tour, but they were hoping it would come early. I don't have any news as to whether it's arrived or not - anyone know?
We get an additional interview with Jakob a short while later, as Laura grabs him for a quick word. Amusingly, he refers to Chris Froome, defending champion, as "Froomey". *laughs*
So, back to the Presentation: Cannondale Drapac roll up, firmly in green, yay! and lead by Schleckland Pet, Pierre Rolland. Fingers crossed, Pierre! Next come Lotto Soudal lead by Gummy Bear Gruipel, and thankfully they are still in the Red Team.
Trek Segafredo - still smarting from the shame of having an EPO positive - roll up next, and have gone to mostly white jerseys. Right, stuff them into the White Block.
As a mildly interesting aside, our Eurosport coverage gave us the lovely Laura interviewing Ugly Aru at exactly the same moment that Trek took the stage, so we had to listen to him bleating on, while lip-reading the on-stage interview with Contador. It would appear that Eurosport think Contador is less important than Aru. Interesting...
Dimension Data are lead up by Mark Cavendish, recovering from glandular fever and not quite sure if he's going to be ready: they are mostly in the Black Team, apart from one infiltrator, Steve Cummings, who is in the white Nationals jersey. And, as he also won the TT at the Nationals, he will be in white every day! The big disappointment of this team is that Edvald Boassen-Hagen is, for the first time in many years, not in his super Nationals jersey which, like Belgium's one, is not a boring white jersey with coloured stripes on, but has the whole flag on it.
Cofidis are next, lead by Boo-hoo-hanni (with an incredibly stupid haircut), and all in red, so they stay in the Red Team, as are BMC
Then come Quick-Step, a long-standing member of the Blue Team, although I note that they have white shoulders - but I'm not sure if they just added them, or if I just hadn't noticed before...
The Dark Lords have abandoned the Red Team with their cheerful, high-visibility K on the back, and have gone to white jerseys. Another set for the White Block; check.
FDJ are an oddity, they are already half-blue, half white, so they get allocated to teams depending on which side the camera is. Except for the one in the Nationals jersey, he'll be in the White Team for most of the Tour.
Movistar are still in blue with the Wiggly Worm on it, but they get allocated to the Black Team as it's such a dark blue. Unfortunately they have brought along Valverde ("Anyone But Valverde") but there's always the chance of illness. Fingers crossed, eh? Quintana, oldest person in the race, is as impassive as ever: I wonder if he's had botox on that face? Trying to keep his looks, once he got past 80, perhaps?
AG2R (pronounced Aah-dhjee-duurs-air, as we all know) are already mostly white: Jensi interviews Roman Bardet and asks "So, you came second in the GC last year when you were only 12, what are you hoping for, now that you are a teenager?"
But they have an imposter - what's Philly Gilly doing in their team line up?
Jensi managed to interview Jan Bakelandts without referring to his offensive remarks about podium girls and condoms, which must have been a bit of a strain.
Finally, Team Sky arrive: they have abandoned the Black Team and have gone to white jerseys with the blue stripe - now almost invisible - down the back. As they cycle along the approach, Christian Knees is pushing Froomey: to those of us who watch a lot of cycling, it does rather look as though Froomey is taking a natural break, but luckily he is just filming. They are followed by a bloke in black on a mountain bike: hmm, either a very keen spectator, or possibly some low-key security?
Chris Froome speaks briefly about how pleased he is to be back, as defending champion, but he's clearly not going to win again this year: just look at the length of his hair! One eighth of an inch is just sooo non-aero, I'm surprised he was allowed to grow it so long. He won't be able to climb with all that lot swishing round his ankles!
And that was that - possibly the cheapest, dullest Team Presentation every done. Most of the riders were, disgracefully, on their mobile phones all the way through, including while on stage: either taking selfies, taking pics, or updating their status ("On Stage. LOL.") instead of paying attention and respect to the presentation. Could it get any worse? Yes, it does: a children's choir. Unmelodic, out of time, and then mercifully muted as Laura interviews Quintana.
Oh well, it's over now, and today we start real coverage - yay!
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