Andy Schleck Undergoes Mind Control to Improve TT!

Yes folks, you heard it here first: in a desperate attempt to improve his time trialling, or, what's more to the point, to avoid having to undergo Mr Bruyneel's "Special Wind Tunnel Testing" about which we have heard so little - but imagined so much - Andy is trying a new, psychological method: thought control, from Fabian.

Well, think abut it, it makes a lot of sense: Fab is far and away the best TTer around - yes, yes, I know Tony Martin won the jersey at the Worlds, but honestly, Fab's been a bit busy this year, and anyway, we know he's the best.

So, what we need is for Andy - and Frankie, for that matter, but Andy has bravely volunteered to be the guinea pig - to absorb some of Fabian's skill at choosing lines, avoiding hazards etc.

To this end, Leopard have invented a new procedure whereby Andy and Fabian are linked together mentally, and this was first tested at the Tour. Andy was, of course, in the team car just behind Fabian when he went out for his TT run: they need to keep their brains within a narrow range of one other, otherwise Andy would "lose the signal".

As we know, it was fairly successful, as Andy did what was possibly the best TT of his career so far.

Now that we are in the "off" season, they have a chance to really develop the technique, and iron out some of the side effects: one of which is that Andy sometimes finds himself repeating what Fabian is saying.

As an example, on Twitter today:

Spot the difference!


Of course, I initially wondered it if was a simple admin error, so I checked with Ken Sommer.

When I say "checked with", I actually mean "blatantly and rather rudely accused".

However, Ken is a true gentleman, and always takes these things well:

There is a tweet from Ken missing - he is worse than Figgy for deleting his tweets, I tell you - as he replied to my first tweet by saying

"@SchlecklanderCG I am innocent!"

To which I replied "I doubt that!" *sniggers", as you can see.


















OK, you do realise that I was joking about the mind control, don't you? Good.

Frankie was a bit more sensible on the subject of the first meeting of the new team: he said:

There, much better, well done Frankie!

So, all jokes about using each other's phones aside, it's good to hear that they are upbeat about next year.

Mr Bruyneel hasn't updated his blog yet, but it will be interesting (won't it?) to hear his take on the meeting.

Vinokourov: what's going on?

"Who?" you say. "He's not Andy! Why are you talking about him?!"

Answer, because OGL hasn't done anything much lately, and I feel guilty when I Schpleculate, just in case there is the teeniest weeniest chance that he might get to hear about it, and be cross. Yes, I know it's pretty unlikely, but you never know. And I'd hate to make him cross. Even though Schpleculation is better than nothing at all.....  but I'm trying to be strong, resist the urge, and keep us all up to date with what's going on in cycling these days.

So, Vino. Remember him? First he was going to retire at the end of this season, and become a DS for Astana.

Then the UCI announced a new rule: No former dopers to take up staff positions on cycling teams. He didn't seem to know about it, as he was still talking about retiring.

Then he had that terrible crash at the Tour, and broke his leg right where it joins the pelvis, ouch, nasty: this obviously meant that he was not going to be able to ride again this year, so he announced that he was retiring early... and going into management.  Has he still not heard about this rule?

Then suddenly he changed his tune, announcing that he was going to ride again next year, and explaining it by saying "I didn't want to quit on that note." 

"Aha!" I thought, "someone has finally told him!"  But here's a simple little sum for you - Vino has 230 UCI points, Team Astana have 422, so without him, they would only have 192 points. The team currently sitting 18th in the ProTeam listing, Vacansoleil, have 369.

Do we think that Astana realised that without his points, they wouldn't get UCI pro Team status for 2012?

And Vino would not be able to go into management, anyway.....

... so suddenly he's riding again.

Anyone prepared to make a guess as to what is going to happen next year?

My guess is that Vino will start the year riding with Astana, because they need his points, but will only manage one race. If at all - that was a nasty break. Then he will try to slide into a management role.

Mind you, I notice that on the 1st October the UCI amended clause 1.1.006.2 (the one about no dopers taking on staff positions) (aagh! my soul! my soul!) and it now reads:

However a licence may be granted if all three of the following conditions are fulfilled:

(1) the person concerned committed a violation only once,

(2) the said violation was not sanctioned with an ineligibility for two years or more, and

(3) five years have elapsed between the moment of the violation and the first day of the year for which the licence is granted.

How very interesting! The goalposts are moving again.  So does it let Vino off the hook?

1) Number of violations: he was "done" for blood doping in the Tour of 2007. Most reports say it was only once, the TT day:  so he might be ok for clause 1.

2) What size ban?  Initially, he was only banned for one year. The UCI did complain about it at the time, (shades of Contador) and managed to get an extra year added to the ban. I wonder, does that mean it counts as a one-year ban, or a two-year ban? I'm not sure on that one.

3) How long ago? 2007, +5 = 2012, which means by 2013 he will be cleared, under this clause.

So it is entirely possible that if Vino races next year - even if he never actually competes - then in 2013 he will be cleared to join the staff of Astana, or any other team for that matter.

It's also slightly interesting (I say "slightly" because I don't actually like Vino - he has no eyebrows!- so I'm not really that interested in what happens to him)  that in 2009, when Vino returned to Astana, he said "It's Bruyneel or me".  The report at the time said

"Banned rider Alexandre Vinokourov, whose doping suspension ends on July 24, insisted he will return to the Astana team even if it means its manager, Johan Bruyneel, has to leave the team."

Hmm, does anyone actually enjoy working with Mr Bruyneel?

Shack-Trek Nissan: here we go!

This week sees the first team meeting, in Belgium, of what is left of Leopard Trek and what is staying from Radioshack.

Mr Bruyneel is being very upbeat and positive about it - well, he would, wouldn't he? He's got exactly what he wanted: he's kept his sponsors (which is no mean feat, these days), he's kept his pet riders and staff, he's gained the super-rich but not-good-at-keeping-his-word Mr Becca, and he's got his hands on Andy. Is it significant that on his blog, the only rider he mentions by name is Andy? In the context of "I think we'll see some improvements from Andy." Am I the only one shuddering at that?

It appears that he's been trying to get hold of Andy since July 2009: well, technically, that news story said that it was Lance who was trying to get Andy - although he wasn't interested in Frankie - but it's a fair bet that Mr Bruyneel was the one behind the decision.

So, what will be happening in Spa next week? No riding, no boot camp, no survival training, but a lot of talk, by the sound of it.

Who will be there? Mr Bruyneel, of course, cracking the whip. Andy, handing out canapes. (sorry, that's just me being caustic. Will try harder to be positive.) OK, here's the management team:

So he's kindly keeping three of "our" boys, and three out of "his" four boys. As most of us probably don't know a great deal about the Shack management, here's a quick synopsis:

Jose: former rider, this year was his first year as DS.
Dirk: (great name) ex-rider - DS with Bruyneel since 2000.
Alain: pro-rider for just one year, then into management. Joined the Shack as DS this year, but was DS with 7 teams in 15 years prior to that. Could be said that he was "galloping" around from team to team. Ha ha.

Mr Bruyneel is graciously going to be listening to our boys: “A big part of my job is to listen." he says. "What they thought went well last year." he says. "What they think needs to be improved upon." he says. "How can the team be better, stronger and more successful."

Hmm, no interest in their concerns about the way the merger was handled, their concerns about their future, or the way they feel about being shoehorned into his outfit then? Oh, silly me, riders aren't important to teams, are they? Last to be told anything, last to be listened to (race radios, anyone?).

Then, they'll be off to Spain in December for a proper training camp, and then Mallorca in January.

But this does lead to a bit of a thought about sponsorship in general. LLB doesn't quite see why we are all so shirty about what Mr Becca did.

I wasn't quite sure myself, for a while: but while stuck in an airport for five hours a few weeks ago, I had plenty of time to reflect on it, and here are my thoughts.

Sponsorship: The Burning Issue

I've just read the Linda McCartney Story, about the British, vegetarian, pro-cycling team which started in 1998 and managed a couple of years before going broke. The book was very interesting, not least because they really were vegetarians, amazing as that sounds (to me, confirmed meat-eater). They did comment that at least they didn't have any  problems with upset digestion due to Bad Meat, ha ha, which is funny in the light of the current beef/clenbuterol problems.

Their story is surprisingly close to that of Leopard-Trek: rich man sponsors team, but they go bankrupt. OK, in this case, the rich man (Paul McCartney) was getting advertising for his wife's product, so he was a "proper" sponsor rather than just a rich man....

Anyway, the team went bankrupt despite being backed by an extremely rich man. Why? They make the  point that a cycling team is created and set in flight by the original sponsors, but is expected to earn it's own way thereafter. Sponsors come and go - that's a fact, we've all seen it for ourselves. So the job of the initial sponsor is to get them up and running, and thereafter it's up to them to make their own way, collecting new sponsors as they go. Long-term sponsors such as Rabobank are very rare, and Euskaltel were sponsored by their government - although that is now about to end, apparently, with their contract running out at the end of next year.

So in the case of the Linda McCartney team - for all those that, like me, don't really remember them - Sir Paul and his money got them going in order to raise the profile of the meat-free meals. Linda then sadly died of cancer, but Paul stood by the deal as agreed for the second year. Mr Becca, are you taking note? Stood by the deal. Did not rat out. Anyway. Their sponsorship deal ended, but Paul kindly allowed the team to continue using the name for another year, even though he wasn't putting any more money in. This gave them the continuity and the publicity of the (very big) McCartney name, and a chance to get another sponsor. In their case, they were unable to get another sponsor so the team folded.

To us, on the outside, it's easy to say "Well, as he's so damned rich, a billionaire, why can't he just cough up the measly 10million that it takes?"

I mean, compared to other sports, the cost of sponsoring a cycling team is laughable. £10-12 million per year will get you a decent team. Compared to, say Formula One racing: Red Bull are one of the big sponsors in F1, they put in £250million per year PER YEAR (sorry, had to say that twice) and as well as that, they put in £90million  for the junior team. The junior team! Ninety Million quid! 'Scuse me while I pass out.

But the point is that rich men get rich by keeping close tabs on their money, and they won't just keep on pouring money into a project without getting what they want out of it.

In the case of the McCartney team, it wasn't a private individual like Mr Becca, it was a business deal, and the manufacturing company (Heinz) were the ones who pulled the plug. Reading between the lines, I rather got the feeling that it was Linda's project rather than Paul's: she wanted to publicise her veggie meals, it wasn't that he (or she) were bananas about bikes. (Quick plug there for Bananas about Bikes! where you can read real stories of attending cycle races, written by the fans.)

In the case of Mr Becca, we're not quite sure what he actually wanted from the deal: to the best of my knowledge he made some statements about riding for the love and joy or some such rubbish, and that he wasn't in it for the money. He just wanted to be involved with a cycling team.

So we have to assume that somehow, he didn't get the kudos that he wanted, or the "star treatment", perhaps, that he was seeking? Perhaps he thought that he'd get to ride in the Commissaire's car at races? I don't think it was public adulation that he was after: if he'd wanted that, he could have had his name on the jerseys, but he chose not to.

As the Schpleculation in the wardrobe has suggested, it's possible that the whole Shack takeover deal was initiated by Mr Bruyneel - the guy with no star, no young riders, no Tour or GC hope: but a shed-load of sponsors.

I still, by the way, don't see why Mr Bruyneel didn't just buy in a batch of new riders and a star name or two, which would mean that he would remain a US-based outfit.

"Oh wait," I hear you say, "isn't that what he's done?" Well, yes, sort of, but now he's saddled with using the Leopard Trek UCI licence, and being officially based in Lux. I assume, as an aside, that Ken Sommer and his merry men are still involved, but we haven't heard much on that side of things, as yet. Being based in Lux is going to be very different from being based in the US, particularly as he has already stated that his company is going to be managing the team. How, exactly, is that going to work, I wonder.

Oh, we mustn't forget the Trek angle: Trek, the bike manufacturer, are currently a lower-level sponsor for the Shack, and a named-but-second sponsor for Leopard Trek. Rumor has it -and by that, I mean the cycling forums, not l'Equipe - that Trek were mighty cross at being outsold by Bontrager bikes, and decided to consolidate their sponsorship into one team. A "super" team, if you like. There's merit in that suggestion. but I can't see why they would want or allow their new super team to be anything other than US based.

As we know, Radioshack the company are pretty much 98% USA based. I am ignoring the tiny outlet in Edinburgh and I think there's one very small one somewhere else - but there is nothing in Benelux.

Then there's Trek: well, that would be USA based again although, of course, they were happy to be sponsors of L-T.. Is it possible that Trek have been planning this merger for some time? Nissan, of course, multi-national, no problem there, but they do have more of a presence in northern Europe.

So, how long do we think it will be before the team organisation, training etc is moved to the states?

Changing direction a little, here's another take on the whole takeover/merger aspect: there's been a lot of grumbling amongst us Leopard fans that it isn't a merger at all, it's a takeover, and the Shack are just eating Leopard-Trek - and spitting out the bits they don't like, of course.

But actually, take a look at the names: Shack keep first billing. Trek have kept second billing, Leopard has disappeared altogether - even though it is their UCI licence - and Nissan are tacked on the end. (For the purposes of this point, we will have to assume that UCI rules regarding the number of sponsor names in a team name is not going to apply. Although I am pretty certain that they will be applied!)

Now, in my experience of business takeovers, it's usually the bigger partner who "stands down" regarding the new name. It's as though the company being taken over is given top billing in the new name as a gesture of apology, or to boost their self-esteem. So it's possible - just about - that this is a real merger, and will be to the advantage of our boys. Yes, we still deplore the way it was done, in particular the way the riders weren't told. Not to mention the supporting cast - both Shack and Leopard may have been a little light on riders, but both had a full and dedicated complement of mechanics, masseurs, drivers, coaches, DS team, managers, soigneurs, PR people, secretaries, cleaners, vending machine re-stockers (never forget the little people!) and so on, and logically, 50% of those are now job-hunting, at short notice.

So what do we do?

As fans, there is of course nothing we can do. Will we follow Andy, Frankie, Fab, Jakob etc? Of course we will.  Unlike most other sports, in pro-cycling we follow our riders, as teams come and go - or get re-named, at the very least. We were very lucky last year, that such a big proportion of SexyBank (ah, remember those happy SexyBank days?) - the "best", we like to think - went to Leopard Trek, and most of them are continuing into Shack-it-all-About Trek, or whatever they are going to be called.

Will I make a new flag and strive to get a Radio-Trek musette?

It's too early to say. I'm most certainly going to be supporting OGL (as they say, "a true fan is not one who was there from the beginning, it's one who is there until the end") but I'll be waving the Union Jack for Team Sky next year. I'm not sure how I feel about supporting a team run by Mr Bruyneel, as I'm not comfortable with his past associations, nor do I care for the relentless trumpet-blowing on his own website.

I haven't met the man, and I know it's wrong to judge, but he just doesn't strike me as a very nice man.

But we will have to watch and wait.

Oh, and did I work out why Mr Becca's actions were so very annoying, to me personally? (I can't speak for all the other fans, of course.)

Yes - I have come to expect that sort of about-face, lying-through-the-teeth, hide-it-from-everyone behaviour in business. From a business sponsor, yes - not nice, but something we have to accept. Business sponsors have an agenda: they need to either make money or get publicity, for the least amount of outlay. They have shareholders, chairmen, boards of directors, committees etc to satisfy, so all it takes is one of those to say "hey, we need to save £10million, we can either sack a couple of you guys, or we scrap that little sponsorship deal" and chop! there goes the sponsorship.

But I don't expect that from an individual.

And he seems to be starting a trend, doesn't he? "Oh, contracts don't mean anything, let's just ditch the sponsorship deal and walk". Geox, I am looking at you.

Jakob and the closet...

Jakob: " Pssst! Where are you? "

The wardrobe door opens a crack. A suspicious eye is seen looking out.

Jakob: " Psst! Andy? Frankie?"

The wardrobe door opens to reveal a worried-looking Frankie. He makes a long arm and grabs Jakob by the collar, pulling him inside the wardrobe, and then closing the door behind him. Well, nearly closing it. Andy punches Jakob playfully on the arm, then ruffles his newly-regrown hair.

Jakob: "Now look, stop mucking about, I want to talk to you two."

Frankie and Andy look at each other, and pull mock apprehensive faces.

Andy: "Go on, then, what's the matter. I thought you had decided it was going to be all right?  "

Jakob: "I'm really not happy, dudes, really not happy.  "
Frankie: "Yeah, the whole world knows - let me guess, is it the whole sponsor-merger thing, yes?  "
Jakob: "Well, yes, for sure!  " (he waves his hands expressively, accidentally knocking Andy over as he does so) "I mean, you said 'private backer', you said 'no sponsor problems', you said '4 years' .....

Andy: "Yeah, dude, I know, I know.  " (somewhat shamefaced)

Jakob: "But when did you find out about this merger? "
Andy: "No sooner than you did, I can assure you.  "
Jakob: "Really?  "

Andy and Frankie nod, solemnly.

Andy: "Truly, the first we knew was that item in l'Equippe:  " (they all turn and spit, some more accurately than others)

Jakob: " Eeeuw! Frankie! "

Frankie: "Sorry...  "

Jakob: "So, look, if you read it in l'Equippe too, what did you do then?  "
Andy: "Straight to Mr Becca, I assure you, and he denied every word of it. Right to our faces! "
Frankie: "We weren't impressed. Well, actually, we believed him - I mean, why would he lie, to us? "

Jakob: "Well, exactly. So, why did he lie? "
Andy: "Oh, me and Frankie, who is my Brother: " (he looks sideways at Frankie, who pretends to be cross and punches him on the arm) "...we think it was that Mr Bruyneel pushing the deal. I mean, think about it, he had a team full of, er, how do we say it?"
Frankie: "Ageing riders?  "

Andy: "Well, to be frank, yes -   "
Frankie: "No, I'm Frank.  "
Andy: "Ha ha, funny Brother, aren't you? As I was saying, he had a team full of, well, you know, slightly older riders, sponsors everywhere, no Tour hope: what was he to do?"

Frankie: "In fact, he had sponsors willing to step up and put even more money in - look at Nissan. They were really keen to increase their sponsorship, to get their names on the jerseys instead of across the backsides,  " (there is sniggering from the other two. Frankie ignores them.) "...and he had no real team to offer them."

Andy: "Yes - and there's us with all these fantastic riders, a young team -  "
Jakob: "Well, you know, Stuey: Jensi..."
Andy: "Come on, you know what I mean - Stuey's fantastic, so going to miss him: and Jensi, well, young at heart.. besides, he's already spawned the Next Generation of Vois. Anyway, all right, a "mostly" young team, and no sponsor." (Andy shrugs) "I guess he thought it was the obvious thing to do?"

Jakob: "But we were supposed to be sponsor-free! Your Mr Becca, " (he turns aside to spit) "Oh, sorry Frankie, told us four years, no sponsor needed."
Andy: "Clearly that is no longer the case.  "
Jakob: "Well, what is it, then? Is it costing more money to run us than he'd thought? Is he running out of money?"
Frankie: "Oh, there was that trouble with the tax people..."
Andy: "Nah, it's all gone very quiet."

Jakob: (unable to stop) "...and, and, is he bored with us? Is he just a rich kid who's tired of his toy?"

A disembodied voice speaks: all three of them look around, upwards, downwards...

"These questions, and many others, will probably never be answered until the publication of "Becca: Riders are from Venus, Sponsors are from Mars" by Cougar Girl, published by Leelalei-Nimani Publications.

---

Actually, folks, schpleculation aside, it gets worse, as Geox have now hit the deck.

Pause while I shed a couple of sad tears for Geox.... remember them from last year - used to be Footon Servelo with the DISGUSTING outfit, yukky beige with the "semi-naked riders" effect.

They've had their troubles with sponsors: after the Ricco affair in 2008, they lost Saunier-Duval, their sponsors and were rescued at the last minute by Servetto. Then, last year, Servetto dumped them - well, that's a bit harsh, it might have been a 2-year contract, I suppose. Anyway, they had to scrape around for another sponsor, and came up with Geox, but were too late to get into the Pro Team list. So they've been riding as Pro-Continental this year, and did fantastically well on their wild-card invite to the Vuelta, which of course they won with J J Cobo.

Despite this, Geox have - in a move that rivals that of Mr Becca for heartlessness - decided that contracts count for nothing, and they have, as of the 20th, dropped the team like a hot potato. No scandal, no problems, they won a major race this year, but their sponsor has decided: now, what was it again? Oh yes:

"After a year of experience in professional cycling, the company considers its presence in this sport not strategic anymore,"

So much for their five-year contract! Huh! 

Their team manager, Mauro Gianetti, made a heartfelt plea for a new sponsor to step forward, but there really isn't enough time now, to get the bank guarantees etc in place.

Mr Gianetti is said to be considering suing the arse off of Geox taking Geox to court.

Poor man, poor team, at least there should be sympathy in the peloton for our boys now: it's not just them! Sponsors really can just dump a team, just like that. Pretty disgraceful, huh?

Because yellow is the colour of...

Ushi: "Ducks."

Andy: (clearly deciding to humour the insane person) "Yes, small ducks."

Ushi: "So they put you in a shirt the colour of small ducks. Why?"

Andy: (shaking head and laughing) "I don't think it has anything to do with small ducks."

Ushi: "Not small ducks?"

Andy: "No - I think someone said yellow is a cool colour, let's put the leader in yellow."

(Andy, pet, we hope that you are playing along with the joke and that really, deep down, you know that it's yellow because the original sponsor of the TdF was Yellow Pages, and of course yellow was their colour.)

What am I talking about? More Schpleculation? No, an interview with Frank and Andy, for a spoof tv programme.

With many, many, thanks to Boulder Elle for the link.  I am still laughing.

See Frankie say indignantly "I don't do drugs!"

Laugh at Andy's sweaty armpits - oh boy, was he sweating!


And as for the "how is it hanging? On the bike?" bit: well, I loved the way Frankie, eventually guessing what she was talking about, turned his head away from the camera and clearly whispered to Andy the Lux word for "penis".  So Andy looks at his crotch. 

Enjoy it for yourself, if you haven't already done so: it starts about 13 minutes in.



and here's a nice still:

Cutest Outfit for a Baby Schleck - Ever!

While absent-mindedly checking my search stats a couple of weeks ago (I am so sad: memo to self, "Get a Life") I noticed that "Leea Schleck" was the third-highest search term for that 7-day period.

Search terms are what people have typed into Google in order to find the link that brought them to the blog, in case you didn't know.

Most of you guys already know this blog, so you either bookmark it, or you just type in the name and your browser remembers it.

Search terms are, generally speaking, used by people who don't know the blog, or who have forgotten where it is. So it's kinda fun to keep an eye on what search terms people use. To my everlasting annoyance/pleasure, if you type "Andy Schleck Girlfriend" into Google, this blog is number one on the list.....

So, it came up in the conversation recently (on the last blog entry) that a lot of people one week came here through googling "Leea Schleck". So I googled it myself, to find out why. Eisen Andy certainly wasn't on the first page, so all those people must have delved several pages into it, which shows some level of commitment.

However, I got distracted by this wonderful pic of Leea:

Isn't that great? Clever Mummy took one of Daddy's old jerseys and made it into what is possibly the cutest ra-ra skirt outfit ever seen! Well done Martine, love it!

And once the sqee-ing and "awwwww!"-ing is over:

Anyone care to speculate on what TinkerJil is doing?

Or what Andypants is thinking? (He looks delightfully relaxed and peaceful, dontcha think?)

Andy Schleck denies going to Radioshack!

What a small world:

Look at this little report, found on the Team Radioshack website

 The report reads as follows - my comments in brackets.

"Luxembourg’s cyclist-of-the-moment, (huh! how rude!) Andy Schleck, has reacted to reports in yesterday’s French daily sports newspaper, l’Equipe, (oh blimey, them again) that negotiations were at an advanced stage of him joining Lance Armstrong’s cycling team for next season.

Armstrong confirmed during the recent Tour de France that he will be forming a new team next year, with the title sponsor being Radio Shack, an electronics retail chain in the US.

Yesterday’s report also alleged that Armstrong was interested only in the the younger of the Schleck brothers, Andy, and not in his elder brother.

Andy Schleck dismissed these rumours and said that both he and his brother would be riding for the Saxo Bank team next season, and that if he were to move at some time in the future, he would move with his brother."

The date, you will have noticed, July 2009.

Interesting, how life turns out, isn't it?

Musings from Another Wardrobe

Fabian enters the room, looking around furtively.

Fabian: "Psst! Where are you? "

The wardrobe door open, Frankie leans out, makes a long arm, and grabs Fabian around the neck, pulling him into the wardrobe.

Fabian; "Don't mess my hair, man. "  Frankie and Andy are sitting cross-legged on the floor of the wardrobe. Fabian joins them.

Fabian:  "Look, guys, what are we doing here? "
Andy: "You know what - it's the wind tunnel testing session."
Fabian: "But why - I mean, I'm the best Time Trialler in the world! "
Frankie: "Actually it's Tony Martin, you remember the Worlds, Fab? "
Fabian: "Yes, yes, I know. Look, I was flustered, ok? All this changing of kit, making sure it matched my eyes, and then having to change it again, and if we go to red, well, it just won't go at all, it was most upsetting, not to mention that I've been working like a dog all season as a super-dynamo-Domestique... " he grumbles for some time.. "...and anyway, I'm National Road Race champion of Switzerland -"
Frankie: "All right, all right, Fabu, keep your hair on. "

Fabian shakes his head back theatrically and runs his fingers through his elegantly tousled locks. They laugh at him.

Fabian: "Look, be serious, you know what I mean, I don't need to do wind-tunnel testing, I'm already fabulous at TT, everyone knows. "

Andy: "Yes, but Mr Bruyneel has this system, we all have to the special Wind Tunnel testing. "

Fabian: "But we've already done wind tunnel testing! Hours of it! "

Frankie pats him on the arm, sympathetically.

Frankie: "I know, but - "
Fabian: "I'll go to Sky! "
Andy: "Oh, Fab, shut up, you know you won't. "
Fabian: "I might. "
Andy: "You won't. "
Fabian: "They want me. "
Frankie: "Everyone wants you, Fab, there's no question about that. But you can't go to Sky, you'd end up being a lead-out man for Cav - you wouldn't like that, would you? "

Fabian pretends to consider the idea.

Fabian: "Cav won't go to Sky. "
Andy: "Fab, Cav's going to Sky. Everyone says so. "
Fabian: "Non. I - " (Fabian thumps himself on the chest) "..do not think so."

Andy: "Why not? "
Fabian: "He's making a big fuss about control of his image.. "

Andy leans sideways and whispers to Frankie "I thought that Peta was in charge of that!" Frankie giggles. Andy makes shushing motions.

Fabian: "Furthermore, " (he glares and Frankie and Andy) "...he's sponsored by Nike, so he can't go to a team sponsored by Adidas, can he?"

Andy and Frankie look at each other, eyebrows raised.

Frankie: "Errrr, no, I suppose there might be a conflict there. "
Andy: "A bit like Mercedes and Nissan, you mean? "
Fabian: "Shhh! Best not to mention it. I don't want to spend next year driving a Micra! "

The others both lean back in mock horror. Andy's elbow dislodges a hockey stick that was propped up in the corner of the wardrobe. [If you want to know why, ask Eva] It clatters to the ground, and they all look nervously around. Frankie opens the door a crack and peers out. It's all right, all is quiet.

Andy: "But anyway, look Fab, they'll sort out these contract issues, they always do. Cav goes to Sky, you stay with us, yes?"
Fabian: "And do more of this wind tunnel testing? Non! I am already fully tested and fully wonderful! "
Frankie: "I know, but apparently Mr Bruyneel has this very special wind tunnel testing, everyone talks about it."

Fabian: (darkly) "Yes, and I know what everyone is saying about it, too. "
Andy: "What do you mean? "
Fabian: "Oh, come on, you've heard the rumours, for sure? "

The other two look at each other and pull a face.

Frankie: "Well.... yes, there was some talk about it. "
Fabian: " 'Some' talk? A bit more than 'some' talk, for sure. You  know what they said. "
Andy: (nervously, looking over his shoulder) "You mean - PEDs, don't you. "
Frankie: (clapping his hand over Andy's mouth) "Shh! We don't say that word! "

Andy: "Pfff! Dude, where have your hands been? "

Frankie looks at him. Andy looks at Frankie. They both look at Fabian.

Fabian: "But what are we going to do? "
Frankie: "We damned well say 'No', that's what we do. I had enough trouble over that damned training schedule episode - " (Andy snorts with laughter. Frankie hits him on the arm) "...and I'm not going through that again. I've been clean all my life, I'm not starting now."

Fabian: "But how, exactly, do we say no? "
Andy: "We just say 'No, Mr Bruyneel, we'll do it with our own muscles and our own talent, or not at all.' That's what we'll say. "
Fabian: "But what if he says, well, in that case, get off my team? "
Frankie: "He can't do that, we have contracts. "

There is a pause. They look at each other.

Frankie: "Hmm, good point. Contracts not worth a damn, broken at will, I forgot. "
Andy: "Come on, if we said no and he tried to force us, we just say one word to the UCI and he is dead in the water. "
Frankie: "Yeah! Just one word! "

Fabian looks doubtful.

Fabian: "You think that would work? "
Frankie: "Of course it would! We're not Stagiaires,  we're all established riders. We're all Top Ten ranked riders, er, nearly all Top Ten ranked riders, " (the other two, currently sitting at 11th and 12th, glare at him) "...er, anyway, we are all valuable riders, he can't just throw us out, and if he tried, there are 20-odd teams out there who would snap us up like that!" (snaps fingers.)


Fabian: "Yes. Yes! You're right! YOU'RE RIGHT! "
Frankie/Andy: "Shush! "

Fabian leaps out of the wardrobe, a late beam of afternoon sunshine glints off his teeth.

Frankie and Andy, alone and quiet in the wardrobe, look at each other.

Andy: "What can we do? We're next, after him. "
Frankie: "I know. Fingers crossed, bro, fingers crossed. "

They produce a pack of cards and start playing Snap.

Time passes.

Suddenly the wardrobe door is wrenched open. They leap nervously. An apparition looms in - they recoil in fear. Who is it? What is it? Is it human?

It's Fabian. His hair is stiff and streaming back horizontally from his head. He looks as though he had been standing behind a jet engine at takeoff.

They look at him, speechless.

Fabian: "S'ok boys - it's just wind. Lotsa wind...."

So saying, he collapses face down into the wardrobe.

---

And finally, as a blog entry without pics is a bit odd, well, it feels a bit odd to me, for anyone who hasn't been to Fabian's website, here's his front page:

Is it just me, or do you get a strange urge for chocolate?

Andy and Frankie - just another day in training

Note: in the absence of any actual quotes, Tweets or interviews with OGL recently, I am reduced to speculating. Or Schpleculating, you might say. The following is therefore completely a figment of my imagination.

Andy: "Pssst! Frankie! Are you in there?"

The wardrobe door opens. Frankie's face appears, looking worried.

"Shh, you dope, get in here, quick."  Frankie makes a long arm, grabs Andy by the collar and pulls him inside the wardrobe. They sit, cross-legged, on the floor, while Frankie pulls the door to - but doesn't quite close it. (Everyone knows that it is very foolish to shut oneself inside a wardrobe.)

Andy: "Look, what are we going to do? Everyone hates us. "
Frankie: "No, they don't. They are all grown-ups, they made the choice to leave Saxo and come with us. "

Andy: "I know... " he groans, "But we did sort of persuade them, I mean, we told them it was going to be really cool, and we wouldn't have any more problems with sponsors backing out, we were promised 4 years!"
Frankie: "I know, I know, but still, they don't hate us: we've had a brilliant year, it's been a lot of fun, and no damned training boot camp, remember. "

Andy: "Yeah..... but we didn't win the Tour. "
Frankie: "Come on! Second and Third? Two brothers on the podium? Two riders from the same team on the podium? Two riders from a newly formed team on the podium? We were great! "
Andy: "But everyone's saying 'Well, you didn't win it, did you?' and that stupid thing about three times a bridesmaid, always a bride. I tell you, I'm getting sick and tired of hearing that one.  "

Frankie laughs. Andy  looks at him, with a pained expression. Frankie laughs again. Andy's mouth just turns up a little, at the corners. Frankie pulls a face at him. Andy smiles. Frankie smiles.

Frankie: "There you go, it's all right, they don't hate us. They've all had a ball, and just about everyone is coming with us next year. "
Andy: "Mmm, true. Not Stuey though. "
Frankie: "No, but we'd have lost him to GreenEdge anyway, I reckon. "
Andy: "Do you think so? "
Frankie: "Yup. I think he's really loving the idea of an Aussie team, and I'm pretty sure that he'll be going into DS in a year or two - and where better than there? "
Andy: "OK, good point. "

Frankie: "And look, other teams are having the same issues: just look at HTC! How many wins did they have? But their sponsor is just dropping them like a ton of bricks. At least we're mostly staying together.  Omega Pharma are splitting, that must be pretty terrible - it can't have been good to be in the Shack this year, and to be honest, Saxo aren't looking particularly strong, either. "

Andy sighs: "Yeah, I know. You're right. But I still feel bad. What about all the fans? The ones who bought the team kit? It's not cheap, you know, and now they won't be able to wear it next year - well, I mean, they'll still wear it, but it won't be the same. "

Frankie: "I'm more worried about Cougar Girl, she made those flags specially, you know, and now they aren't any use at all. "
Andy: "Perhaps she'll make a new flag, for next year? "
Frankie: "Oh god, what on earth will it say? "
Andy: "What do you mean? It'll say RadioShackNissanTrek, of course. "
Frankie: "No it won't, dummy, the UCI won't let a pro-team have more than two sponsor names in the team name. "
Andy: "Oh really, Mr Smartypants? What about Omega Pharma Lotto, then? "

Frankie looks at Andy, pityingly.

Frankie: "Omega Pharma is one sponsor, Lotto is the other." There is a pause. Frankie mutters, quietly, "Thickie. "  He waits, looking sideways at Andy to see if he will take the bait.
Andy: "Oh. " There is a pause. Andy looks sideways at Frankie.

There is a short but violent interlude.

Frankie, flattening down his tousled hair: "Anyway, they don't all hate us. Trust me, it will be all right. "
Andy, pulling his jersey straight: "OK, bro, I trust you. I just feel so bad, not knowing what to say to anyone - and I haven't tweeted for ages. "
Frankie: "Huh, well after that last one - what was it, 'an untimely but imperative dental operation'? Blimey, mate, you lost a lot of credibility there!"
Andy, sadly: "I know, it kinda lost something in the translation. "
Frankie: "You sounded like a robot! "
Andy: "All right, all right, I was told what to say, ok? Unambiguous, they said, can't be misinterpreted, they said. "
Frankie: "Ha ha, 'not safe to be left alone with a computer, they said', you mean! "

Andy reaches over and slaps Frankie playfully on the side of the head. Frankie falls sideways and hits his head on the wall of the wardrobe.

Frankie: "Autch! "
Andy: "Serves you right, stop teasing me. "
Frankie: "Cissy. "
Andy: "Oh looks who's talking, you fell right over and I didn't even hit you very hard. "

Frankie gives Andy a Look. Then checks his watch.

Frankie: "Yikes! Look at the time, come on, we can't stay in here all day. "
Andy: "Oops, yes, I was just coming to get you, they are all waiting for us downstairs, come one! "

They leave the wardrobe and rush downstairs.

Meanwhile, in the packed Conference Room, Mr Becca is frantically telling jokes on the stage, with sweat dripping down his forehead, and hissing behind his hand to Mr Bryneel "Where the hell are they?! Well, go and find them!"

" and then the nun said..."