Yay for Kiryenka!

Cheers and festivities, Schlecklander pet Vasil Kiryenka won a stage at the Giro!

I can' believe that anyone can have not noticed him, but just in case you haven't, he's a super-super-domestique for Sky, and has been a Schlecklander pet for a couple of years now, not because he's pretty (pulls face at LLB who suggested that I choose our pets more on their looks than on their talent) but because he is such a supernaturally strong - and poker-faced - rider.

We only get to see him on those occasions where we get several hours of coverage, as he generally  does all his work in the early part of the race, unseen by cameras, and he usually comes in a long way down the GC because, like all good domestiques, he has "given his all" earlier in the day. So he is an un-sung hero.

I like him because he gets on the front of the peloton,  and he rides and rides and rides, for mile after mile, with a deadpan poker face, showing no emotion, no stress, no fatigue, right up to the moment he goes "pop!" and pulls off. At this point, the peloton that he has been dragging has usually been whittled down to 30-40 members, as most riders just can't keep up with his relentless, unchanging pace.

His posture on the bike is very recognisable as well: although the commentators always refer to him in terms of "a beast" (as well as more complimentary terms like "diesel") he actually sits like one of those cute little terriers, the sort that sit up alertly and look all around.  Often seen riding in a wickerwork basket on the front of a Sturmey-Archer 3-speed.  He must have an extra joint in his neck, to be able to sit for so long with a flat back and with his head popped right up, looking for all the world as though he is not even in a race, just tootling along on a Sunday afternoon pleasure ride, occasionally looking around at the scenery, but mostly just gazing at the road ahead.

LLB and I often say that the other teams must groan in dismay -  "Oh no! It's Kiryenka on the front! Prepare to die!" - when he starts pulling, and I think the psychological value of that is immense.  I can just picture some lesser riders simply giving up when they get the news: wouldn't you?

The bit that always fascinates me is trying to predict when he is finally going to crack. My personal measurement is to check for the patches of red on his cheeks. It's the only sign he gives, that he is putting in any effort at all, and usually just after the red patches appear, he finally peels off. But the trick is to work out how long, after the red patches appear, he will keep going!

So there he was at the Giro, leading the TT from quite early on in the day, sitting impassively on the leader's chair, unsmiling as usual, for aaaaages. He barely cracked a smile all the while, until right at the end when it became apparent that he was going to win it, and then - yes! He smiled! He laughed! he even chatted to Juan Antonia Flecha (Handsome Dude) just like a normal person!

It's always a thrill to see a Schlecklander pet do well,  so well done Vasil!

Other cycling news includes Richie Porte dropping out of the Giro, and who can blame him: Nasty Mr Oleg describing Ass-t'na as "no good at cycling" *snorts through nose*, and LLB actually having an anti-pet of his own: he;s developed a hatred of Zacharin, junior Dark Lord, who was done for doping as a teenage, but who has somehow managed to get back into pro cycling, and is now being hailed as an up and coming hope for the future. Every time he appears on screen, LLB grumbles about him, and I supportively make flicking motions with my fingers, as though to flick him off his bike.

So, into the final week we go: hills today,  then a flat day, two more days of hills, then a flat day to finish on.  Without Sky challenging for the win, it's fallen a bit flat for us UK viewers, but we'll keep an eye out for interesting happenings. And no, I'm not going to guess who is going to win: for the obvious reason!

Andy on Tour

Remember a while ago, Schleckland was agog with the news that Our Glorious Leader would be appearing on some Trek-organised riding holidays?

Well, time has passed and the first one took place a few days ago.

Andy tweeted:

I wonder if these holidays normally attract that many women???? *laughs*

It looks as though they had sunshine for their day out together, which is lovely: I can't imagine how annoying it would be to book a cycling holiday with a chance to meet Andy Schleck, and then it rains all day.

Unless there is the option of staying in the hotel lobby, drinking tea and asking penetrating questions:

Andy: *shakes water off head* "So, we stay in the lobby for a short while, until the rain eases. Does anyone have any questions?"

A forest of waving hands rises in front of him. Laughing, he selects one.

Coug: "So, Andy, you chose a very short, three-letter name for your son. How do you feel about journalists who spell it incorrectly?"

Andy looks confused. Coug leans over his shoulder and taps on his tablet:

Andy: "Huh? Will our upcoming wedding survive?"
Coug: "Don't worry, the vote was 100% Yes. Mind you, only three people had voted."
Andy: (looking insulted) "Only three?"
Coug: "Four, after I saw it."

While Andy is thinking about this, Coug leans over again and taps the tablet for a second time.

Coug: "They all copy each other, so if one gets it wrong..."

Andy: (sighs) "Toe.  Jil will go spare..."

Team Boss Of The Year.... not.

Not exactly breaking news, but time that Schleckland made a comment on it, for the sake of the lovely Jakob, if for nothing else.

"What is he on?!" comes to mind.

 Ass-t'na's owner, the unlovely Mr Tinkoff, already has a reputation for being a sexist, racist, homophobic oik, after several quite nasty episodes on Twitter.

Then, recently, he was openly telling journalists that he thought Peter "Jammy Dodger" Sagan was not earning his salary, as he'd failed to win anything in the early part of this season.

Now, he's given an interview to Gazzetta dello Sport in which he states quite openly that he is looking for legal ways to reduce Sagan's salary, despite giving him a contract specifying that salary.

How to motivate your team - "not" !!!!

This man really is a complete idiot. He appears to be cut from the same cloth as Mr Becca, the so-called family friend behind the ill-fated Leopard-Trek episode, mister "oh yes I'll back you for four years" Becca who then ran out on them after less than two years, having not realised that sponsorship IS NOT INVESTMENT!! golly, how many times will I have to say that: when you invest, you expect to get your money back and you hope to make a big profit.  When you sponsor, you GIVE AWAY the money,  and you hope to get publicity and respect - but you certainly don't your money back, let alone make a profit.

Tinkoff even has the nerve to describe his team as his toy, and hints strongly that he is getting bored with his toy, and will throw it away one day soon.

Poor Jakob.

We all worried about the doping thing when he went to Ass-t'na: we worried about Mr EPO-Removed-My-Eyebrows Vinokourov having an undue influence over him; we worried about him having to work for Nibali and Contador and never having a chance to ride for himself - but we didn't realise he'd be riding for a team owned and managed by a childish man who thinks he can throw away the careers of 28-odd riders just like that *snaps fingers*.

We all know that when riders change teams, they rarely win anything for the first year. It's almost a tradition: have a great year, win tons of races, get offered lots of huge contracts, take the best one, move teams, ignominious quiet season. Look at Philly Gilly going to BMC, not a win in his first year. Thor Hushovd, ditto.

Yet Tinkoff will happily suggest that he'll throw away the team, putting all those riders through the misery of finding a new team and having to settle in again. Just because he can.

Anyone would have put money on Sagan having a quiet year this year - anyone who knows anything about pro cycling, that is, and it does rather appear that although Mr Tinkoff is a big fan of cycling, and rides a bike himself, he doesn't actually know a great deal about it.

This is all contriving to make Uncle Bjarne look like a much better manager: you only have to look at how he handled Contador, buying him only to have a ban fall upon him (which seems, in retrospect, more and more unfair as clenbuterol is now being found in meat quite regularly) yet he kept the rider on, despite not getting any races out of him, and then easing him back into racing. Now he is being rewarded, with Contador back onto winning form despite broken legs, dislocated shoulders and goodness knows what else. And yet Tinkoff gave him the sack. *shakes head*

Tinkoff, on the other hand, is publicly telling Sagan that he's not worth the money, and saying he is going to find a way to reduce the salary. I bet that poor old Sagan is wishing it was only a 2-year contract!

The only sensible thing to come from Mr Tinkoff's mouth is the concept that there needs to be a new way of paying riders, although I'd take that further and say there needs to be a new way of funding the teams altogether.  It's ridiculous for an "open" non-stadium sport to be run in the same way as sports who have ticket-income. It puts the teams at the mercy of the sponsors who may run out of funds or lose interest *dark look* at any moment, it creates horrendous instability and it must make the sport even harder to organise, when you don't know for sure how many pro teams you are going to have, from year to year.

However, Mr Tinkoff doesn't care about all that, he just wants to get results. I'm not a huge Contador fan *grinds teeth and mutters "39 seconds" under breath* but I hope and pray that he wins the damned Giro, just to keep Tinkoff happy.

Sorry, Richie!

UCI rules.. 2 minute penalty..... *zzzzzzzzz*

Oh lord, the UCI do it again: they produce an obscure rule, penalise teams,  and announce that Rules Are Rules.

What's all this about? Stage 10 of the Giro, Richie Porte of Team Sky is in 3rd position on the GC, and just 8km from the end, he punctures.

It's a bad time to puncture - the race is on, it's on a roundabout, so he skids off the road on the wrong side (ie the left side) and all his team mates are now ahead of him, and no sign of the team car.

Disaster!

But wait! O'rica to the rescue! Simon Clarke of O'rica (who happens to be a close personal friend of Richie) does the unthinkable, he gives his front wheel to a bloke from a different team, to the accompaniment of cheers and tears from the watching crowds. Porte cycles on and gets in safely, having lost 47 seconds. Clarke waits for his team car, gets a new wheel and presumably a slap on the wrist, and gets in a bit later.

All seems to be well, but later that evening Dave Brailsford of Sky is summoned to the UCI tent and given a 2-minute penalty and a fine for breaking UCI rule 12.1.040 which prohibits "non-regulation assistance to a rider from another team".  This puts a spanner in the works for Porte, who is now pushed down to 12th place on GC. Simon Clarke is also fined and penalised, but as he was 28 minutes down anyway, he's not too fussed by that, although he is no doubt terminally embarrassed by having possibly ruined Sky's attempt to win the Giro.

Outrage on Twitter!  Lots of stamping of feet! Boo to the UCI!

On the face of it, penalising a GC contender for this action seems a bit small-minded, especially as earlier in the race, Sky's team car gave a wheel to Gianni Meerkat (Schlecklander Pet) of Ettix-Quickstep, who was punctured and stuck without a team car. Did Sky get penalised for that? No. Did Meersman get penalised? No. So it seems a bit unfair to penalise Richie Porte.

On the other hand, if I were in charge of O'rica I'd have something to say to a rider who takes himself out of the race like that: it doesn't matter that the rider himself was 28mins down, and that the team don't actually have anyone in the GC, it is still wrong for a rider to voluntarily give themselves a delay of several minutes.

Another aspect of this is to ask why there wasn't a Sky rider nearby to give Richie a wheel. 

In the photo of the event:

... you can clearly see a Sky rider coming hovering, ready to pace Richie back on, so it would only have been a few seconds more for Richie to have waited for a team-mate to get back to him -  although I rather think there is a rule saying that riders are not allowed to ride back along the route (this does not apply after they have crossed the finish line, of course), so they would probably have been penalised for that anyway.

The conspiracy theorists are saying that Richie is probably going to O'rica next year, so his future team members and fellow Antipodeans are looking out for him in preparation, which is plausible.

As an aside, I would comment that the UCI should not be surprised to see a rider being helped by a fellow countryman, as there seems to be this weird convention in cycling that the on-screen graphics always tell us a rider's nationality by showing his national flag, but don't always show the team name. This has always struck me as odd, and would seem to imply that the race organisers/UCI are more interested in the country than in the team.

However, the bottom line is that the rule was broken, and that's that: if Contador had punctured without a team-mate or car, and had taken a wheel from another team, we would all have been screaming blue murder about cheating, so perhaps we should all follow the example of nice Mr Brailsford, and Richie himself, who are being very sensible and grown-up about it: they have ruefully accepted the penalty and the fine, and have admitted that they broke the rule, although Dave Brailsford did make the point about helping Ettix and not being penalised for that.

I will admit here and now, I have not actually trawled through the UCI's soul-sucking rule book to read the rule in full for myself. I suspect that the UCI are making a distinction between a team car handing out a wheel to another team's rider, well, that's their business: but for one team's rider to halt his own race and give a wheel to a rival, that takes it one step too far.

Richie says that he was not aware of the rule, as does Simon Clarke, who said something like "at the speeds we are going, you have about less than one second to make a decision, and I saw him there and just decided to give him my wheel."  Dave Brailsford doesn't actually say whether he knew the rule beforehand or not, but interestingly, I saw a brief interview with Micheal Rogers, another Aussie rider, riding with Stinkoff, in which he said something like "I was actually aware of that rule owing to something mumble mumble some months ago..."

Cut to the Stinkoff training camp.

A long room, devoid of furniture apart from two dozen simple folding desks and chairs, with bare light bulbs swinging from long cords and casting deep shadows into the corners of the room.

The door opens, and in clatter the Stinkoff riders, walking like penguins in their cleats, still in full lycra. They sit, and the small amount of nervous chatter dies down.

A bell rings, and a soigneur walks round, handing out examination papers and pencils, one per person, with a stern warning to give the pencil back afterwards. The riders bend to their task, and soon there is an air of intense concentration in the room.

On the other side of a large sheet of one-way class, Mr Tinkoff (yes, I know it's Tinkov, it's my way of showing disrespect, ok?) leans back in his comfy chair, sipping a fine liqueur and smoking a fat cigar. (He's probably eating a doughnut as well, who knows.) He has a copy of the examination paper, and is reading it with all signs of enjoyment, laughing out loud from time to time at a particular question.

His DS pokes a head round the door. "Err, Mr Tinkoff, sir," he begins, "Is it really necessary for them to know all the UCI rules?"

"Yessss, my precious..." hisses Mr Tinkoff, "one day it might be very necssssessssary...."

Just. Stand. Back.

After some horrific crashes in the Giro - and we're only in the first week! - mostly caused by spectators, I feel moved to write on the subject.

What are these idiots doing???!!! *tears hair*

The obvious questions include Do they not know how fast they go?  Have they never been to a cycle race? Have they never seen it on tv?

However, here's my experience from the Tour of Britain a couple of years ago: LLB and I chose a nice spot, in the middle of nowhere so we wouldn't be oppressed by the crowds, on a bend so they'd be going slightly slower, on a loop so we'd get two chances to see them, with a place to park safely, and with back roads to get to it, so we wouldn't get caught up in road blocks.

(At that point we didn't fully appreciate how incredibly efficient the rolling roadblocks are, and how within seconds of the broom wagon passing, the road was open again.)

While waiting, I was chatting to other people *waves to Denny and her Rabobank flag* and amongst them was a stout elderly couple, who did not fit the profile for road race watchers.

They were, it turned out, on their way to visit a local garden centre ("Aye, lass, we know how to live") and had wondered why so many people were standing around in the middle of nowhere. So they pulled over and walked up to join the growing crowd. They had no idea what it was, or when it would happen, but such is the life of retired folk with not much to do with their time - any free diversion is something to be savoured. When the moment came, they were clapping and hollering along with everyone else.

Moral of the story: yes, it is entirely possible for spectators to have no idea at all what they are about to see.

Those are what you might call the "ignorant" spectators, who don't know what to do, and what to not do. They would be the ones who drop their air sausages just as the peloton scream into sight.

The next type of spectator are the "wrong" sort: the ones who turn to wave to the camera bikes as they pass, ignoring the approaching race. These are the "me, me, me" types, whose elbows, cameras, and flappy jackets (yes, you, girl, you are far from forgiven) hook into unsuspecting riders and end their careers. They don't particularly care about cycling, they just want to be on tv for free, and yes, this set includes those dopey gits who run alongside, especially the ones who dress up or take off their clothes.

The "right" sort of spectators are, of course, the many wonderful folks who present the backs of their heads to the passing camera bikes, as they are concentrating on looking for the approaching riders. We like them.

So what can be done?

As Bernie Eisel said, cycling is the one sport where the crowds can get really, really close to the action, and that is what makes it unique, special, and spectacular. And it's free. That is a wonderful legacy, and long may it continue.

But we really need to do something to educate people about rider safely.

There is a strange little promotional video being shown during race footage at present, it's called something like "respect our sport" and it features a large number of international riders asking the viewer to "respect" them. It features footage of charming tiny children toddling around beside the road, and a dog walking on the pavement. It does also show the dreadful mountain-top road-blocking fans, but it shows them opening up before the riders in a way that, frankly, looks quite magical.

In my opinion, it completely fails to address the problem.

For a start, it does not clearly state what the problem is. Someone who is new to the sport will simply see that tiny children and dogs are clearly welcome at races, and that people stand on the road but that's fine, because the riders just keep on going and everyone gets out of the way, no problem. Oh, riders fall off from time to time but that seems to be part of the game. Footballers fall off and pull faces like that all the time, and these bicycle guys are obviously not as badly hurt as footballers, as they get up and get back on their bikes, so they're not really being hurt, right?

This video needs to clearly state "this is how to do it" and "this is what not to do".

It needs to show one of the many spectator-caused crashes with slo-mo freeze-frame of the moment of impact, then the rider covered with blood, and then the spectator being led away by Police.

The phrase "respect our sport" or whatever it is (I've seen it four or five times and it has made so little impact on me that I can't remember the punchline, therefore as a marketing exercise it has FAILED) is so ambiguous that it's ridiculous - it could well be interpreted as simple "Clap us, as we go past."

The final shot, if I remember it rightly, is Teejay "Bumfluff" Van Garderen pointing at the camera with a serious face, then laughing.  Laughing! Yeah, right, it's a really serious message *sarcastically* and you have just undermined it completely by laughing.

It needs to say, simply, "Stand Back."

That's all. 

A little bit of "keep small children and dogs on leads" would be good, and a dollop of "The Road Is Ours" or "We Need All The Road" in the middle would pad it out a bit, but the main message, in every language they have, should simply be "Stand Back."

It seems that Daniele Colli, the Nippo-Vini Fantini Rider whose elbow and arm bone were broken in the crash caused by a spectator leaning over the barrier with a camera, is going to sue that spectator: he is filing a criminal complaint, and his team are opening a civil action for compensation.

We all remember Stage 9 of the 2011 Tour, when Flecha ("Handsome Dude!") and Hoogerland were hit by the French TV car: in November 2014, three years later, Hoogerland finally received compensation from the car's insurance company, and Flecha won a criminal suit against the insurance company, receiving a small payout, and was going through the compensation case.

But that was a car, an insurance company: Nippo-Vini Fantini are going against an individual, and I have no idea if they will be able to get any sort of compensation.

However, whether or not the case is successful, I hope that it is widely publicised, in order to get the message across that if you cause an accident, you will not be allowed to melt into the crowd and "get away with it".

Please, people: Just Stand Back.

Pink Knickers For The Giro!

You are quite right, Schlecklanders - there's a ton of cycling on tv and I have hardly written a word about it.

There is a perfectly good reason for this:  I've been in Andyhab again, for being caught looking up the cost of flights to Lux (£39) and for just casually mentioning that Itzig is quite close to the Howald Tunnel *sighs*.

However, I've been let out on a special pass, on condition that I wear pink knickers *checks - yes, pink* and don't keep saying "well, it's a shame that Andy isn't riding in it" as Andy only rode the Giro once, in 2007, and never since, so it's not exactly a case of "the Giro isn't the same without him" in the way that le Tour is. Mind you, the one time he did ride the Giro, he come second, not bad, eh?!

So, anyone else watching the Giro? So far it's been far too exciting: the Prologue TTT went with a swish with not one single rider hitting the deck, although it was pretty strange to see Team Sky being beaten by FdJ... no offence meant to FdJ, but they beat Sky??? Predictably, O'rica won it, with Stinkoff coming in second, although Conti did look a bit like a dying duck in a thunderstorm towards the end, much to my secret amusement. Sorry, Contador fans, I still haven't quite forgiven him for Chaingate.

Then on Day 2 we had crash after crash, including that massive and really stupid one with 10k to go, when an idiot spectator on a bike hopped off the pavement and rode right into the peloton, with the expected result:  *sound effect of skittles*

Poor old Barbie Barbie (Heinrich Haussler) hit the deck there, and then again within about two minutes, he was not having a good day.

Sky had a  better day, with Viviani taking the stage, putting Michael "Bling" Matthews into the pink jersey, thus avoiding all the fuss and kerfuffle that goes with wearing the jersey. Cunning plan, Sky!

As for today's stage, Bling won it, thus consolidating himself as leader: but there was another heart-stopping crash when poor little Pozzovivo took a tumble while descending, and for a horrible moment it looked like a replay of four years ago, as he was airlifted off to hospital. Luckily he was not badly hurt, although presumably he is now out of the Giro, as he didn't finish the stage.

Talking of four years ago, it's good to see that the organisers are still honouring the number 108 by removing it from the roster. To be honest, I did think that they would only do so for a year or two, then quietly let it fizzle out. 

OK Schlecklanders, that's all I have time for tonight, but I promise I will try to keep up to date with what's going on *searches for planning permission in Itzig* 

Hmm, just one more thing, *checks over shoulder to make sure LLB isn't listening* Itzig is a very small place, but there are a couple of houses for sale.

In the UK, we would describe this as "ideal for the diy enthusiast" which is a polite way of saying that it is virtually derelict.

I don't even know what room this is supposed to be!

A kitchen?

A bathroom?

Either way, definitely ideal for the diy enthusiast.

But I quite like the attic, it definitely has potential.

It's hard to know how big the house is, as they seem to go on overall square footage, and being told that a house has 160m2 does not give me any idea as to whether it is spacious, or grotty.

But it could be yours, Schlecklanders, for just 495,000 Euros, that's about £345k or $552k.

Tempted, anyone? *laughs*