Thursday 31 December 2015

On the seventh day of Christmas....

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?


Ans: A Christmas Quacker

*groan*

Good news today, Chris Froome has been awarded an OBE for his services to sporting in general, cycling in particular, and not just for his technical expertise in winning le Tour TWICE (stick that up your jumper, ASO!) but for " the dignified manner in which he dealt with" the doping allegations and pressure this year. Yay! Go, Froomey! Go, Sky!


Pic: RadioQuack Duck - with Captain Coug pirate hat.

Wednesday 30 December 2015

On the sixth day of Christmas....

.. someone had to ask:

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?


Ans: A Holly Davidson


News in the cycling world today that disgraced former (briefly) Schlecklander pet Luca Paolini has presented the anti-doping authorities with what is possibly the worst ever defence.

He admitted to "doing" cocaine (stupid boy) but said that he only did it to overcome his addiction to sleeping pills.

*facepalm*

His defence, if you can call it that, is that members of the peloton have to take sleeping pills during the Tour, otherwise they just can't get enough sleep,  what with gruelling race days, wear and tear on the body (not to mention crash damage), incessant transfers, sub-standard hotels (you might remember that ASO banned the use of campervans for "star" riders after Richie Porte admitted that having his own private RV was wonderful...), noise, drug testing etc. So they take sleeping pills in order to get some kip.

However, as is the case with almost all drugs, including alcohol, caffeine and chocolate (*laughs*) they are addictive, which means you reach a point where you can't manage without them, and at the same time, you need higher and higher doses to achieve the same level of enjoyment/relaxation/stupefaction. So you take more and more of them. So you can't wake up in the morning, having taken enough sleeping stuff to lay out a small elephant... so you need something stronger than a cup of coffee to get you going again. Hence the cocaine, Paolini said, although he apparently said that all this occurred in the lead-up to the Tour, not actually AT the Tour. He said.

Do we believe him? Well, not really - he is a Dark Lord, after all. It was foolish and short-sighted of me to promote him to Schlecklander pet *rolls eyes* and I promise I will be more discriminating in future...

Meanwhile: today's Christmas Schleckland Archive Pic: Andy Schleck naked. Check it out!



"Dude! Where's my bike?"

Tuesday 29 December 2015

On the fifth day of Christmas....

...it came to pass that another Truly Awful Christmas Joke appeared:

What do sheep say at Christmas?

Ans: Merry Christmas to Ewe.


Pic: Ma Vache du Tour!


Monday 28 December 2015

On the fourth day of Christmas....

.....What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?

Ans: anything you want, he can't hear you.


Pic: "Don't cwy, Uncle Andy..."


Sunday 27 December 2015

On the third day of Christmas...

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?

Ans: Frost bite.


Hmm, not the best of jokes, I would agree.

Pic: going away for the the weekend, with my Leopard Trek musette.


Saturday 26 December 2015

On the second day of Christmas...

And today's joke is:

What is every parents' favourite Christmas carol?

Ans: Silent Night.

Pic: my second-generation Leopard-Trek flags, hanging up in my stairwell:


Friday 25 December 2015

On the first day of Christmas....

Bad news, Schlecklanders, LLB gave me an advent calender with a Truly Dreadful Christmas Joke on each window. (And a small piece of chocolate, to make up for it.)

I expect that many cycling fans are, like me, slightly lost for cycling-related things to do in the off season, apart from those of you that are mad enough to get out there and ride a bike yourselves (Jen, that means you) .

So I have decided to provide a Truly Dreadful Joke for every one of the 12 days of Christmas, and possibly longer if I get any good jokes in my crackers this year.

And possibly a random photo from my blog's archive....

So here is the first one:

How do snowmen get about?

Answer: they ride an icycle.

Pic: Andy Schleck rocking the shades.




Thursday 24 December 2015

Shock Schleck Divorce!

Honestly, the quality of cycling journalism does leave something to be desired: I read a story in the cyling news a couple of days ago, about what Our Andy is up to these days: apparently he is very sensibly using the time before he opens his bike shop in Itzig, in learning how to manage a business.

He is doing that by working for TinkerJil's father, in his swimming-pool installation business. He is following the standard business model of spending time in each department, learning about taking orders, invoicing, credit control, quality, project management etc etc .

All well and good, we think.

But the report says that he is working for his step-father.

Step-father???

This can only mean that Gabi has divorced Johnny, and remarried. Hmm, that seems a bit unlikely.

Or, maybe, it's just sloppy journalism: the phrase they were looking for is, I would suggest, Father-in-Law.

Not that he has actually married TinkerJil, as far as I can tell - he still refers to her as his partner and not his wife, and there certainly haven't been any photos. Come on Andy, marry her!

Wednesday 23 December 2015

Drone footage of cycle races - no thank you!

In the past few months there have been calls for more "exciting" race footage, in particular on-bike cameras (which give a scarily realistic view of the quiet but deadly proximity of the other riders) and drones.

Now, I had my reservations about drones right from the start - they are so close to the remote-controlled cars of my childhood, and I still have the ghosts of the bumped shins to remember them by, not to mention the number of damaged skirting boards and furniture legs.

Then we moved on to radio controlled aircraft, or "crashing in three dimensions" as it was known.

At least drones are built on helicopter technology, so the operator can let them hover if they need to, for example, blow their nose, sneeze, answer a question, drink a cup of coffee etc.

But cycle races go rushing along the road at scary speeds, so the operator needs to stay within range: how exactly was that going to work? On the back of a moto? Seriously? All it takes is one minor hold-up and the drone is out of range, uncontrolled, and whee! splat! this happens:

Skier Marcel Hirsher almost decapitated by falling drone.


In case that link doesn't work, it's footage of a downhill skier being very nearly slaughtered by a drone that plummets out of the sky, missing him by about a foot and a half, and at the speed he was going, a fraction of a second later could have ended his career, if not his life.

This is the moment it hit the ground, and if you bear in mind that he was really shifting, it can only have missed him by the narrowest of margins.

And the photo is not deceptive, it's not a little hand-sized thing, it's about the size of his body, plus rotors and exterior frameword, antenna etc.

So no, Mr UCI and Mr ASO, we most certainly do not want bloody dangerous drones zipping around over the peleton!

Thank you!