Cycling in Russia

A fascinating little diversion has just arrived, and it's a good thing it has, otherwise I would become obsessed with why I cannot add comments to my own blog..... (*shakes head in frustration at Blogger*)  (*inserts photo of OGL for calming effect of tuftage*)

(*ah, much better*)

While checking through all the settings and so on of the blog, to make sure that my complete inability to add comments is not my own fault, I was looking at the traffic sources of my readers, and was struck by a sudden peak at 10 o'clock last night, when 62 people suddenly read the Basque entry.

Huh?

That's an old one!

Checking back on where they came from, here is  the URL.

I add this so that you know that I'm not making it up - you can go and read it for yourself, if you read Russian, that is.

Intrigued, I paged down until I found the reason, there's a link to Eisen Andy via the photo of Johan Van Summeren allegedly about to squash a cat a few years ago.

(Sorry VirtKitty, to bring this up again... go and have a lie down for a while.)

By now I was thoroughly intrigued, and wanted to know what they were saying, and why this picture was suddenly relevant to this Russian forum. I could tell there was a link to cycling, as some of the avatars had a cycling theme to them.

After a while, I worked out how to get Google to translate the page for me.

Yes, it's about cycling in Russia - it appears to be a forum where people complain about how bad the roads are, and how inconsiderate the motorists are. Having been through the Google Word-Mangling algorithm, some of the translations were pretty shaky, but amusing, and the provided an interesting insight into life on two wheels in Russia.

From this I get the impression that a pedestrian had a blonde moment and walked out in front of him?  Notice, by the way, that he calls himself  Pork Eating Crusader, has a rather scary avatar, and signs off as "infidel strong" which could be a mistranslation of Strong Infidel...

... a day later, Olga replies as follows:

This seems to indicate that Russians are being allowed to have camera phones, and are joining the "name and shame" culture whereby you take photos of people being offensive and then either report them to the authorities, or name them on the internet, in the hopes that this will train them not to behave badly in future.

So, Olga was very upset by M762 whatever it was, and the "dude" concerned (I cannot imagine what word in Russian translates as "dude", unless they use the actual word "dude"?) was too scared to get out of his car to snatch the camera off her. Perhaps she's a 6'4" shot putter.

A few entries later, after some incomprehensible talk about routes of revenge involving lots of initials - presumably state departments, or 90-page forms to be filled in - our friend Mr Scary makes a suggestion that is well received:

12-gauge means shotgun, by the way. "Glock" would be one of those nasty hand-guns that baddies in Bond movies always seem to have. If anyone has a suggestion as to what a podramnoy holster would be, I'd be interested to hear it. Could be something  like "top tube" I suppose?

A new contributor enters the fray:  and we have to give him respect, he's apparently an expert. Not sure if that means expert cyclist, or expert forum contributor, but his avatar indicates that he is very brave about descending:

I think that "A-ha-ha neighing" should be adopted in place of LOL in all future tweets, don't you? He clearly doesn't like cars whizzing by very closely, although this does lead to a discussion that close passing by cars is actually a compliment to the cyclist, and as long as they stay on line and calm, it can make cycling in traffic fun and quick. 

A little later we had this exchange, and I can't quite make head nor tails out of it:

Mr Dimodd appears to have been cycling on the pavement in the rain, so slowly that he had plenty of time to talk to the pedestrians who were impeding him. Then Mr Kos learned that tram lines in the wet are not happy places for cyclists. Well, he is only a novice.

Now we get into surreal country:

Oh dear, poor Mannaz had a prang, and hurt his face. Unfamiliar streets are neater - but a specific garage is apparently a radish.

There's just no comment at all that I can make to that.

Interestingly,  he Ottormozilsya-ed as best he could, does that mean "takes evasive action", do we think? There's a sort of "otter" feel about the word, as though it meant slipping lithely away from danger, or something similar.

The forum goes on to speculate about whether the cable took his head off, but no, luckily it was not at head height.

Finally, from our point of view, we get Skuba, the six-fingered Expert:

There,  Skuba ottormozilsya-ed as well.  Although he memorised it, for some reason. Perhaps he was remembering ottormozilsya-ing in the past, and tried to repeat the manoeuvre?

Whatever it means, he did it, and then Johan put  up the picture of JVS and the cat.

Er, just a minute, Johan?  Is this a coincidence? Or could he be a big JVS fan?  This is the last post to date, I wonder what comments it will generate? And I wonder what on earth 62 Russian cyclists made of Eisen Andy?

Cuts to: an illegal gathering of cycling fans in deepest, darkest Kalingrad. Inside a small hut, they are gathered around a single candle. In the corner, a laptop glows fitfully, powered by a tandem being pedalled by two of the fans.

Dimodd: "Vot is diss rubbish?"
Skuba (cracking knuckles nervously): "How can zey laff und choke about such zerious matters?"
Strong infidel: "Guns! Kill zem all!"
Others "Schhhh!" (they put a blanket over Strong Infidel's head)
[note: I have just spelled shhh with a c... rolls eyes and wonders about a spell in Andyhab as a voluntary patient]
Olga (in conciliatory tone): "Vell, they are soft Vesterners, zey don't know vot it is like to live under a repressive regime."
Skuba (still cracking knuckles): "But, but, zey make jokes about the authorities! They criticize the (sharp intake of breath) UCI!"
Dimodd: "I am vondering if zis so-called 'cougar-girl' is a trap, to lure unwary comrades into making rash statements zo they can then be rounded up and incarcerated?"
Strong infidel: "Guns! Kill zem all!" (the blanket is hastily replaced)

There is a loud knocking at the door of the hut. Startled, they leap like rabbits for the secret trapdoor, while Skuba pulls the rope that swings the tandem up into the rafters where it hangs, invisible. He leaps for the trapdoor,  there is a whisk of lycra disappearing down the hole as he Ottormozilsya-ed, and the door opens to reveal a pair of disappointed traffic policemen.

Policeman #1 "блондинко на ярисе в 3х метрах от меня."
Policeman #2 "на главную дорогу не дает преимуществ?"
Policeman #1 "рассек?"
Policeman #2 "сам цел ногу только!"
(they laugh in a cruel and unsympathetic way.)