Paris-Roubaix

Eurosport are pulling a devious trick on us UK viewers: they are giving us less coverage on "normal" Eurosport, and much greater coverage on Eurosport HD, which is the High Definition channel. Reputedly, the picture is much better on HD, especially for viewing sports, for when things move quickly through the frame. But  you have to buy the channel, and you also have to buy a special HD-enabled TV.

Pfff!

As we don't have an HD television (I say "we" but I mean LLB, of course!) we won't be paying out for the HD channel, so we have to accept the lesser coverage, while grinding our teeth and making rude remarks about the bosses at Eurosport.

The only good thing is that while we are waiting for the race coverage to start on normal Eurosport, we are watching Track cycling.  More of that some other time....

Eventually, after listening to our commentators saying, for the last hour, that coverage has already started on the HD channel (grrr grrr grind grind) we get coverage, yay!

"Welcome to our Eurosport viewers in the UK who are too stingy to cough up for the HD channel and an HD tv: you join us with 76kms to go, and I'm afraid you have missed all the carnage on the Arenberg. Oooh, yes, terrible it was, carnage, bodies in all directions, huge split in the peloton, but we won't tell you who was involved in order to teach you a lesson - yes, go out and buy HD!! Go on, we've spent lots of money making this technology, now we need you to pay for it."

OK I might be exaggerating slightly.

This time, I am not going to pick a favourite, bearing in mind what happened last time I did so. I nearly choose Bram Tankink, but I don't want him to break a collarbone. Sadly, not a single Schleck in the race, and of course, no Fabian.

Our commentators today are David Harmon and Sean Kelly, and DH gets things off to a tactful start by telling us that there is a break of 8 or so riders, being chased by a small group of "significant riders" including Juan Antonio "mind that car! aargh!" Flecha  from Sky, Ballan from BMC and Bram Tankink. (Hey! I nearly picked him as my favourite!)  Oh, hang on, that means that the break must be made up of insignificant riders, is that what you meant, Mr Harmon? There had better not be any Leopards in that break, mister, or I will be round to sort you out! *rolls up sleeves in manner of fearsome housekeeper, matron, or school mistress*

We are not told who these "insignificant" riders are, but we do get a nice shot of Stuey in his smart GreenEdge kit, along with the comment that he appears to be really enjoying riding his own race, after all those years as a domestique. He is a previous winner of this race, actually, and DH thinks that he is enjoying being team leader.

Ouch! Thor Hushovd is down, he bunny-hopped some road furniture then came a cropper on the descent, we think there might have been oil on the road.

"Probably oil on the road," says Sean Kelly.

Lovely, now we get a close-up of Thor back on his bike, and we can see bare skin through the hole in his shorts. LLB and I have a short discussion at this point, to the effect that we can never recognise Thor these days, in BMC kit. What is it about their kit that makes all their riders look the same?

Thor used to be easily recognisable in the peloton, whether in normal kit or with Worlds hoops: but this year, I just can't spot him.

I don't think he's lost weight - I just think the BMC kit breaks up the outlines, somehow.

Perhaps it's a variation on the military DPM, or what we call "camouflage" pattern, executed in red and black in case they need to hide in a flock of ladybirds?

PS Who's the rugged individualist in the different coloured helmet, different shoes, and different socks? Nope, can't tell.

In case you're wondering, I have a special soft spot for Thor, after nearly knocking him off his bike in London last year......

At 50kms to go, Boonen is showing off at the front, alone.  David thinks he's made a mistake in going so early: Sean says he has to continue, but only if he can pull out some time. There's no point dangling 10 seconds off the front of the peloton for 50kms - if he can't make a bigger gap, he should sit up. So says Sean. Several times.

At this point a chance comment on Twitter reveals a secret that LLB and I have suspected for some time: the commentary is about 3 seconds ahead of the pictures that we are getting. David and Sean are commenting on the live feed, it seems, whereas we are watching the broadcast pictures. No wonder they seem to have the gift of prophecy, and no wonder they can name the riders before we can!

Boonen is still out there, plugging away, and he looks very strong: inevitably, our commentators keep comparing him to Fabian, but amusingly, they keep saying "..but Fabian is something special" which must be making all the Boonen fans grit their teeth and/or throw things at the television.

As an aside, speaking as a Schlecklander, it's sometimes a little disconcerting to think that pretty much every rider must have his own band of loyal equivalents, who grumble if he doesn't get coverage. And when OGL floats past some struggling squares-pedaller, their fangirls must be making voodoo dolls of Andy, and cursing him up and down the hill.... strange world, isn't it? Sorry, where was I?

Aha! Johan Van Summeren is leading a chase group! Oddly enough, no-one is particularly marking him, but he won it last year! I suppose *pulls resigned face* that's because everyone knows he doesn't stand a chance of winning it again.... but at least he had that moment of glory. *sigh*

39kms to go, Boonen is still out there, it's so exciting ("not") that we take a break to get hot drinks and a bowl of small cheesy biscuits.  I wonder if Boonen is getting a bit big-headed and is possibly believing his own hype - I mean, a  lone break from 50km? Ah, but remember Andy's heroic 67km solo effort last year...

Boonen is squirming on his saddle, and looks really uncomfortable. Possibly he's still suffering the after-affects of wearing out that hole in the skin of his, er, *looks around guiltily- sorry Schlecklanders*  underneath/nether region?  Or, more likely, he wants a pee. He's been fiddling with his shorts as well. I think he definitely wants a pee. But of course he can't possibly stop, or even ease off, at this point. Oh well, he'll just have to do it in his shorts then.  What? Don't look so shocked, they do it all the time. Go on, look it up on google: it's accepted practice that if you have to go, and you can't stop, you have to just wet your shorts. They normally pour some bidon water over themselves to avoid chafing, apparently, so watch closely to see how much water he gets through.

Sky are now on the front of the chasing group, drilling it, and the gap is dropping... but not for long.

Now we get some slo-mo footage of the Omega car, with Boonen's DS talking to him, quite vehemently, out of the window. "Look, if you have to pee, just let it go: you can't stop now. Go on, just let it go. Go on, no-one's watching. Hey, wait until I close the window, would you?"

We go across another cobbled section - yuk, they really are horrible, aren't they? Dust, dirt, lumps and bumps, punctures, shaking shoulders: I wonder if possibly it's an advantage to be out there alone, bearing in mind that you wouldn't get much benefit from drafting on a slow, lumpy cobbled section. If you are alone, you can pick your line, you can keep your eyes on the surface without the distraction of other riders, you can avoid the stupid spectators, and you don't get a faceful of dirt from the guy in front.

Aha, more screen time for JVS: well he did win it last year. All the SummerenLand-ers must be screaming at their tvs, and will probably exchange indignant comments afterwards about how little footage he received.

(At this point, I was going to do a mock post from the SummerenLand blog, but have decided not to. He is, after all, an honorary Schlecklander. Although for some reason, he does appear to have stopped that habit of tucking up his sleeves. Maybe someone had a word? Maybe he read a translation of this blog?)

The break are still chasing, and it appears as though the other teams all want to go faster, but none of them are prepared to take over from Sky. Sean discusses this tactic at length. LLB and I continue our low-level biscuit-war. However, we started with a big bowl-ful, and we're both losing interest in them. We're also losing interest in the race - Sky are doing all the work, and we don't quite know why. Boonen is plugging away off the front, and somehow it's just not very exciting.

JVS is leading the chase group again, and I am secretly hoping that he will go off the front again, just to get everyone screaming, especially the SummerenLanders.  Lo! Here he is, leading a reduced chasing group with 23kms to go. Screams of joy from the SummerenLanders.

Now we're at 18kms to go, and the commentators are burbling on about Boonen's fantastic ride, great attack, well ridden, "everyone else is riding for second spot" (pfffff *rolls eyes*), etc, but LLB and I think that he is looking tired. And  yes, he is getting through a lot of water, so I think he's peed in his pants.

In case you are wondering, there has been not a single mention of RadioShack today, not one.

Well, Boonen won it, yawn, I can't get excited about it - I don't really like him. Possibly I am influenced by his past cocaine exploits: I am soooo not interested in people who use drugs, recreational or PED. David Harmon at this point makes a remark about how Boonen has "enjoyed his Monaco lifestyle" but is now moving back to Belgium. Aha, a little dig at the cocaine habit, we think.

It seemed very odd to see a road race end in a lap of a velodrome, having just been watching hour upon hour (well, it seems like hours) of Track racing at the Worlds. *waves to Leelu* how about that Anna Mears? She has Cavendish's legs, and a smile wide enough to light up the entire velodrome - you go, girl!

JVS gets 9th position, yay!  Sky have men at 4th and 8th, and - can you believe it - SaxoBank actually get someone in the top 10!! Amazing!  They're still bottom of the league, but now they have 32 points. So much better than just 2. *patronisingly*.

JVS, by the way, sits 58th in the UCI individual rankings now, so well done him!

Well, that's the Hell of the North over and done with, bit of an anti-climax really. Sorry to all those Boonen fans out there (you do know that he does cocaine, right?) but I'm not thrilled with the race, or the result, and it just shows what a difference it makes not having Fabian to contest the win. Or, to be fair, perhaps I should say "not having anyone to contest the win."  Andy's heroic 67km ride was nail-biting all the way, as the chasers slowly caught him, but this race was just dull - the chasers clearly gave up all hope of catching him, and just - as Harmon said - rode for second place.

OK, moving on: next race for us to watch is Amstel Gold next weekend, so here's hoping that's a bit more exciting:  we have Gilbert and Cadel Evans from BMC (hope we can tell the difference between them - anyone know if Gilbert will be wearing his Belgium kit?); JVS and Little Fab from Garmin;  Paolini, Dark Lord of Katusha; Nibali and Sagan from Liquigas; Boonen again (yawn); Bram Tankink from Rabobank; several Sorensens from SaxoBank; Johnny Hoogerland from Vacansoleil; and our own squad of:

141 Jan Bakelants
142 Laurent Didier
143 Ben Hermans
144 Chris Horner
145 Maxime Monfort
146 Joost Posthuma
147 Andy Schleck
148 Frankie Schleck

So go, Andy, go Frankie, go Schack!  Try to get some screen time, guys!

Oh, and an interesting quartet from Lotto-Belisol (sorry, that still sounds like a haemorrhoid ointment): out of eight riders, four of them are Jurgen Van De Walle, Jurgen Van Den Broek, Dennis Vanendert, and Jelle Vanendert. I don't envy the commentators, if that lot start being active in the race!