Fabian, Flanders and Flippin' Heck!

Oh, poor Fabian!

First, last and during this report, we have to send our very best wishes to Fabu, who took a bad tumble at the feed zone and broke his collarbone in four places. He's been flown back to Switzerland for operations and recuperation, and I am sure I speak for all of us when I say that Paris-Roubaix just won't be the same without him this year.

Very best wishes, Fabian, for a speedy recovery - apparently he could be back on the turbo trainer in a day or two, but he won't be racing for six weeks: according to Dirk, the DS, he won't be racing until the end of May. Take it easy, Fabu, we want you well healed.

So, is it worth saying anything else about the race? Yes, of course it is. Ironically, when LLB and I were discussing the race the night before, over a candle-lit dinner, we had pretty much decided that Fabian and Boonen were quite likely to cancel each other out, and that the race would probably be won by someone "we've never heard of", we said.

"Svein Tuft!" we cried, simultaneously. Not exactly someone we've never heard of, but he is an honorary Schlecklander, after all. I made the radical decision that it would not be Svein, but would be whoever was wearing number three in GreenEdge that would win. Don't ask why, it was purely a whim. GreenEdge's number three was Sebastian Langeveld, and he fitted my criteria in that I'd barely heard of him. All I knew was that he came from Rabobank.

So, race coverage starts, we were watching it "delayed", which means that it was showing live on TV, and we were recording it, then watching it about 15 minutes later. We do this so that we can pause, and rewind if we want to re-watch bits: it also means that we can skip forward through the adverts, until such time as we catch up with the live footage again.  David Harmon was commentating again, along with Brian Smith and his impenetrable accent, and we came in with 140km to go, with Argos Shimano in the break.

David H was very happy that they are no longer Project ITV4 or whatever it was (thank you, Leelu, I do  know what it was really, but it's such a clumsy name that it's much funnier to just refer to them as ITV4 as that's what it looks like), as he never enjoyed referring to them as The Project.  Their kit doesn't seem to be changed very much, it's still mostly white with some light green, and it's still nice.

He made a reference to the Argos part not being the UK chain of shops, but being Argos Oil: for all non-UK viewers, "Argos" is a chain of cheap warehouse-type shops who are desperately trying to improve their image, and who recently had a series of adverts featuring a pretentious rock star and his over-stressed assistant, who buys him stuff cheaply but pretends it comes from an exclusive shop pronounced Arr-GOOSE.   I'm afraid that Argos Shimano are likely to be ArrGOOSE to us, for some time.. but it's still a nice kit.

There's not much going on in the race, and David Harmon is gossipping: he is telling us that he met up with Roger Hammond earlier (who was in the area, training) who had expressed the opinion that many riders would not finish the ride today.  Who is Roger Hammond? He's an English rider who, up to last year, was with Cervelo Test Team/Garmin Cervelo, but his contract wasn't renewed and he found himself without a team this year, so he's riding at a lower level now: but I used to like him, as he was one rider who was extremely easy to pick out in a peloton, as he rode so very low to his bike. I used to refer to him *looks over shoulder to make sure no-one is listening* as The Dwarf, as he appeared to be a whole size smaller than everyone else. He's actually 5'9" - just exactly the same as Stuey. When you don't know many riders by their style, it's nice to have one that you really can spot at 50 paces, so I'd made him an honorary Schlecklander some time ago. It's a pity that he's not racing pro-team any more.

Our commentators get back onto the subject of the race, and agree that Sebastian Langeveld is "in terrific form". Yay! He's my pick to win it!

We get to hear that the course has been changed significantly this year, to make it more spectator-friendly by concentrating the end of the course in a small area, crossing and looping, and doing the final loop no less than three times. Brian is dubious about whether this will make a better race, but does agree that it's easier for spectators if they can stay more or less in one area, yet can see the race several times.

Speaking as a spectator, I have to agree: and my attendance at the Tour of Britain this year will depend on which stages have loops in them. Talking of which, Inge, how are your flags coming along? I can't wait to see photos of them! Do let me know how you are getting on.

(No, I'm not expecting Inge at the ToB, but she's making a flag to wave, and I'd like to see how it comes out, so that we can look for her in the coverage.)

At 134k to go, it's already getting exciting - punctures, crashes, you name it - and BriSmithy says that this is "consistent with this sort of race". Nothing to worry about, then.  The roads are ludicrously narrow, such that they can't get the cars up them: there are staff members all along the route holding out water bottles, and occasionally wheels (leading to cries of "Oh noes! It's Barredo!" from time to time) (remember that famous "fight" between two little girls Barredo and Costa in the TdF where they flapped wrists like complete girlies men who don't normally have to fight, and Barredo tried to hit Costa over the head with his wheel. Hilarious. OK, bad for the sport, and they both deserved to be thrown off the Tour, not merely fined 400 Swiss francs each. But still hilarious.).

In these narrow roads, where the cars can't be close at hand, a domestique will be expected to give a wheel or a bike to his team leader if necessary;  the domestique then has to wait until the cars can catch up with him to offer service.  We see this quite a few times, and you do have to feel sorry for the poor domestique, left in the middle of nowhere having to watch everybody else cycle past.....

At 127km to go, things are warming up, literally, and an Euskaltel riders peels off his gilet and, cost-conscious as always, stuffs it into his back pocket. I have never yet seen an Euskaltel rider throw away rain capes, gilets, gloves, or anything else. Not sure about the bidons: perhaps we can all pay particular attention to see if the Carrots give them back to the cars, or discard them. (Bit of a sore point, considering what happened to Fabian, sorry!)

Cheers on the sofa, JVS (honorary Schlecklander) is at the front, as is Svein Tuft, another honorary Schlecklander. So nice to see my "pets" in action.

For no apparent reason, Europcar appear at the front of the peloton and push on, stringing it all out. This turns out to be a very good thing, as an extremely sharp bend approaches, which otherwise could have caused yet more tumbles. LLB reminds me that in an earlier race, David Harmon was criticising Europcar, saying that they are "never seen doing any work". Hah, wrong again, Harmon!

At 120km to go, Cancellera is at the back, having punctured,  but he has Popovitch with him, and they are making their way back to the bunch very swiftly.  Over a candle-lit dinner a few weeks ago, LLB and I were discussing whether or not RadioShack were gelling as a team yet: and we thought that they were not. So far this year, I haven't seen much evidence of what I call groupage, where you get a bunch of squad members riding together. Other than when pulling on the front, of course. It seemed to me that we used to see good groupage of Leopards, but not so much this year. Is it a lack of team cohesion? Is it due to individual riders being on/off form on the day? Is it a cunning plan to prevent the loss of the whole team if there is a big crash? We don't know...

However, this time it's working better, Fabian has a strong rider with him, all is well. In fact, they get back so quickly that they arrive at the back just as the entire peloton has ground to a  halt due to a narrowing of the road. Fabian, cool as cucumber, hops off his bike, fiddles with his back brake, spins the wheel, fiddles again, spins it again, nods in satisfaction and hops back on his bike just as the backlog starts to clear. Beautifully done, Fabu!

We are expecting our coverage to end at any second now: for some unknown reason, Eurosport have split the coverage of the race in two. Does that mean the second half won't be live? Or will we miss me a bit? We don't know, so to cover our confusion, LLB suggests hot drinks and a bowl of cheesy biscuits.

The race settles down, as we settle down for biscuit-wars on the sofa. Sky are in a bunch near the front and looking good.

The commentators are talking about the possibility that the two favourites - Boonen and Fab, obviously - will cancel each other out, leading to an unexpected winner. Pff! LLB and I have been saying that for days! David H reminds us that the last time this happened, it was Paris-Roubaix and Johan Van Summeren was the unexpected winner. At that very moment, JVS joins the chasing group! I jump up and down excitedly, and LLB takes the opportunity to steal an extra handful of cheesy biscuits.

With 88km to go, we watch in horror as the Euskaltel car tries to squeeze past the peloton. This is insane! The road is narrow,  with tons of street furniture, the peloton are strung out across the road, and the car is threatening cyclists and pedestrians in equal numbers. More by luck than judgement, the car makes it through the peloton without killing anyone. We sigh with relief. Too soon! Now the NetApp car is trying to do the same thing. The helicopter shots are terrifying, they show how narrowly the car is missing pedestrians, and some of the cyclists are now shaking their fists at the car. Our commentators are fuming, and are saying that this really can't be allowed.

Cancellara and a bunch of Leopards are safely at the back of the bunch: this is one time when I am glad to see them all at the back, and not at the front with the insane cars.

Suddenly we're watching slo-mo: why? Oh, so we can see yet another team car - SaxoBlank this time - again trying to squeeze past the peloton, and barely missing the cyclists as the car swoops back onto the road, just missing some street furniture.

Inexplicably, we are watching car racing.

We fast forward.

Aha! Back to cycling, 53kms to go, and OMG! Fabian's down and out, in the feed zone - shades of E3. The commentators are being told that his collarbone is broken, so he's out of the race, and as at least three of the squad stayed with him - well done, team - they are presumably out of the race as well, as it took quite some time to get everything sorted out.

Our commentators bravely continue - well, they have to, it's their job - with a discussion about Sky's helmets. I had already noticed, several races ago,  that some of them appear not to have holes in the top/front (I didn't think you'd be interested in a diversion about helmet styles, so I didn't bother mentioning it here) and indeed this is the case. No-one seems to know why. Presumably there's a good reason for it? To stop the riders putting their shades on top of the hat, upside down? Or something more aerodynamic?

We're into the final 50kms now, and the racing is really starting. Gilbert, despite his dental problems, is at the front and making a big push. Popovitch is suddenly spotted up in the chasing group - he could be our only hope for this race, as the chasers catch up with the leading group.

More heart-attacks: helicopter shots of the peloton picking up speed through the streets, building up in preparation for attacking the hill again: some of the riders are bunny-hopping off the road and onto the cycle path in order to get around the slower riders. Aaargh!  A pedestrian realises that he has a peloton bearing down on him at race speed, panics, and tries to run across the cycle path to the safety of the footpath. He succeeds only in tripping up a GreenEdge rider, who does a complete somersault and flop landing, with one tyre breaking loose from his bike and rolling around the road all by itself. Needless to say, the pedestrian is unharmed..... but the bike is broken, and it looks as though the rider is, too.



Yes, collarbone gone. OMG! It's Langeveld! Dreadful luck for GreenEdge, and there goes my prediction for the race winner.

Glumly, I reach for the cheesy biscuits. What's this? None left? No, it's LLB with his hand sneakily covering the bowl in order to fool me into thinking they are all gone. I give him a Look, and take a handful anyway.

Well, what a race this is turning out to be. For some light relief, we have FdJ with two riders making a push off the front: two other team members are at the front of the peloton, pretending to pull it along, but riding quite slowly. "They're not pulling very hard" says BriSmithy. Of course not, they are slowing down the bunch in order to let their guys get away! But our hero, Honorary Schlecklander JVS comes to the front, says "I'm not having any of that!" and steams past them.

Of course, he leads the peloton up to the two FdJ riders in no time at all, and one of them blows kisses at the camera bike as he is caught back into the group.

Incidentally, next time you're watching a cobbled classic, watch the way in which the riders' arms bounce and shiver as they go over the cobbles. I can barely imagine how tiring, draining and downright painful that must be...

Paolini, one of the Dark Lords of Katusha, leaps off the front, taking Flecha with him ("Go, Flecha!") and a Europcar rider. Next minute, the chasing group round a sharp corner and JVS flops into the barrier. Huh?

Here's a video of it: he's on the far right of the group, and it happens barely 10 seconds into the clip. As it turns out, he got off lightly: on the left, there was a major tumble and about half the pack came down.




Oof! Mind you, it didn't stop him - he came in 49th, which is perfectly credible.

Amazingly, we get to just 18km to go, and we have a pack of nearly 50 riders. I spot three RadioShack riders in the pack, well done boys, to continue without a leader.

Pozzato, Ballan and Boonen (the eventual podium set) storm off up the hill, and Tony Gallopin is there with them! Good boy! (LLB takes advantage of my distraction to steal a few more cheesy biscuits. I let him get away with it. It is his TV, after all) Sadly, Paolini, Dark Lord of Katusha, goes again, and Tony G can't stay with him. At least the three remaining RadioShack riders are all together - perhaps they are getting the hang of groupage? Oh hang on, they are all former Shack boys. Hmmmm.

Anyway, 13kms to go, over the top, and disaster, Gallopin punctures. Rast and Roulston continue. BriSmithy said later that if he hadn't punctured, the end would have been very different, so that is a real shame.

As we all know, the race ends with Tom Boonen winning it from Pozzato - and it's interesting, I think, that there is a graphic almost immediately after the one showing the finishing top ten, which shows the top of the UCI rider ranking. Tom Boonen, of course, leaps to the top of it now, so well done him: but it's interesting that the UCI are pushing this graphic at every opportunity.

As I have been saying for a year now,  this is going to mean different riding styles: it's more important to get three guys in the top 10 of a UCI race, than to get one guy to win it!

One final pic, before we finish with kind thoughts for poor old Fabian: there's an interview with Dirk Demol after the race, and look who walks out of the bus and across behind him:

Isn't that Jordan, the Trek liaison chappy,  who had his nose broken at E3 during a wheel-change tumble?

Scary, huh?

I think if I'd been left with a phantom-of-the-opera facemask, I would have chosen to stay quietly indoors until it healed!

Mind you, perhaps he wears it with pride?

The final word of the race day has to go to Roger Hammond, who said at the start that a lot of riders would not finish.  He was right - of 200 starters, only 104 finished. Phew!

And of course, all our best wishes to Fabian, and to everyone else injured in the race, hoping for swift recovery and neat scars. ("chicks dig scars")