Amstel Gold

Aha ha neighing, it's that time again - podium girls dressed in beermats, lovely! *searches for photo;*

There you go, last year's podium girlies, and yes, that dress is made of beermats, and yes, that peculiar head-adornment is also made of beermats.

No-one seems to know if these are real beermats,or fake fabric ones: bearing in mind that podiums often contain showers of champagne - not to mention showers of rain from time to time - you'd think it would be quite risky, if they were actual beermats. Why, someone might try to mop up the podium with the podium girl!

Or, more amusingly, would the cardboard swell up if it got wet, so that the podium girls suddenly appeared to be XXL sizes?

Moving on from that speculation - here in the UK our coverage started at 70km to go,  we are hearing that there is a break of 9 or so riders about 10 minutes up the road, the Dark Lords of Katusha and BMC are pulling on the front, and "some other teams" are "content to hang on their coat-tails".  What ever do you mean, Mr Harmon, Mr Kelly? "Mostly RadioShack," they continue, "there's a whole raft of them up there."  I'd call that good tactics, myself.

Would be nice if we could see them, please? Nope, helicopter shots only. Grrr.

Oh look, there's Johnny Hoogerland at his team car (hurrahs for Johnny Hoogerland!) and he already has a bandage on his elbow. Have there been crashes? What happened? Instead of telling us, Harmon is going on about the delights of racing in the Netherlands, "oh look," he says, "stuff all over the road." He means road furniture such as road signs, roundabouts, traffic islands, trees, speed bumps etc etc etc, and indeed, the peloton seem to spend as long bunny-hopping and cornering as they do actually racing.

We hear that Cadel is out ("Already?") (or, "But is Andy still in?") but no reason as to why: meanwhile Gilbert is getting lots of screen time as his team bring him up to the front of the bunch. We are getting the information that this is a long, long race, and that the last 50kms is where it will start to get interesting. I love it when they say that - as though it's been deadly dull so far. I'd be sooo insulted if I were racing......

For your general information, there is peace on the sofa today: no cheesy-biscuit wars, as LLB has the bowl all to himself - I'm full up on chocolate (which I rarely eat) as he kindly bought me chocolate Easter Bunnies, yum.  I've had some interest from across the pond as to what exactly the "cheesy biscuits" are: well, ok, Lisa tweeted me and asked the question.  Here we are:

Sadly, I can't find a photo on the internet of the actual snacks, and of course we've now eaten all of them, so I can't take a photo of them. Next time, if I remember. Basically they are very small little crunchy snacks, very slightly cheese-flavoured, and they make ideal sofa-fighting food, as we put them in a small bowl on the sofa between us, and the routine is to select a tiny handful - usually 2/3 at a time - without taking our eyes off the screen.

This means that we have to watch each other out of the corners of our eyes, and when one person makes a stealthy move towards the bowl, the other one tries to get there first and block them.

LLB, being devious as well as Lovely, sneaks his fingers inside mine as I am trying to get hold of  the biscuits, and steals them out from between my fingers. Or he puts his entire hand over the top of the bowl and prevents me getting access.  Or he takes hold of one of my fingers and  holds it up, so I can't get the other ones close enough to make a grab for the contents.  All this, I should say, is done silently and without looking, the game being to provoke the other person into indignantly saying "Eeeere! You're cheating!" or into looking at the bowl.

Er hem *clears throat in embarrassment* where was I? Oh yes, Amstel Gold.

On the sofa, there is much laughter as we see a Lotto rider go down in a slo-motion tumble, losing his chain, and swatting away a would-be helper as his team mechanic rushes up, blocking the entire (narrow) road while he expertly slings the chain back on then pushes the rider (Van Den Broek) on his way. Oh what a shame, it's the VIP car that has been held up. Snigger snigger. After the Tour last year, we are not particularly keen on cars in the peloton, even the team cars, so we rather enjoy seeing the VIPs being held up.

Matti Brueshal retires: we see him and another rider pulling over at a corner, and at first we think they have crashed - but no, David Harmon tells us that if you know the area, there are many side ways and short cuts back to base if you've had enough, and clearly these two have had it for the day. I love the idea that, just before that point, there might have been a conversation - "Pfff, I've had enough, how about you?" "Yeah, my legs feel terrible, there's no way I'm killing myself getting up those last hills." "Shall we stop, then?" "Awww, the team cars are way ahead, they'll never come back for us." "No worries, we can take the turning just up ahead,. it's only 20km back to base from there." "Really? Any hills?" "Nope, pan flat. How about it?" "OK, you lead, I'll follow."  and you could be coming home from shopping or something, and encounter two pro-cyclists doodling along your road, glumly comparing palmares as they plod wearily back to the hotel, while the spectators can be heard on the Cauberg, shouting and cheering...

Meanwhile, back at the real race, Sean Kelly is talking about RaNT - "they have a very strong team" he says, adding that the Schlecks will need to attack more than 20k out if they are to have a chance of winning. "It's no good them leaving it too late," he says "they will need to attack early."  Are you listening, lads?

At 47km to go, we appear to be down to 4 RaNT riders at the front, but all we are getting are helicopter shots, so we can't tell who is there and who has dropped back, which is a bit frustrating. Johan Van Summeren is getting lots of screen time, which is great for all the SummerenLanders *waves to fellow fangirls*  and, predictably, here he is at the front, pulling away. Hmm, where have all the RaNT boys gone? Not one to be seen!

LLB, who is checking Twitter  - but keeping his laptop out of my reach - suddenly says that Cadel is already tweeting! He must have rushed back to the hotel at top speed - or maybe he's sitting on the team bus, all alone and sad, with just his wifi for company.

I'm pleased to see some Lux flags already in evidence, which is great: and not surprising, seeing as all three Lux riders are on the RaNT team today. Thinks: are there any other Lux riders in the peloton?  Wasn't Karsten Kroom one of Andy's buddies? No, hang on, he's Dutch.  OK, just two Schlecks and a Didier, then.

Astana are now drilling it on the front, and I can just spot Andy, behind them. Go, Andy! Or rather, Stay behind them, out of the wind!  Their lead doesn't last for long, Chris Anker Sorensen leaps off the front, and makes a fairly convincing attempt at a break. I remember reading a news report from him earlier, saying that he felt good and was hoping to have a good result at this race. Could this be it? David Harmon is describing him as "Denmark's National Gurning Champion" which makes me laugh.

NB "Gurning" is pulling gargoyle-like faces, and used to be very popular in the north of England, when people didn't keep their teeth much beyond their thirties.... if you don't believe me, google it!

At this point in the race I am becoming quite distracted by the noise of the camera bike - it sounds like a strimmer, you know, that constant whining that never seems to let up or change in tone. Sounds like he's stuck in first gear! Annoyingly, we still get the noise of the bike, even when we are looking at helicopter shots.

As there's not much excitement at this point, LLB and I are discussing the new Argos kit, which we haven't really seen yet. "It's mostly white," I say, "not that different from the ITV4 kit".  At that very moment, lo! and behold, an Argos rider pings off the front. Yes, the kit is mostly white, with pale green bits. We don't get a particularly good look at it, as he is swallowed up by the peloton almost immediately, but well done him for trying.

As though to confirm our opinion, LLB tells me that Blazing Saddles is tweeting about the race being very dull. I suppose he means that there are no crashes? Mate, if that's your idea of excitement, then I don't think much of your opinion. Mind you, I've totally given up reading that blog: it used to be funny, and clever, but lately it just seems to be snarky and insulting. Oh well.

With 23km to go (Andy! Frankie! Where are you! You should be attacking by now!) we now get GreenEdge on the front: go, guys! Love the kit!  Again, no sign of any Leopards at the front, which I think is odd: they've been sitting in a bunch, in the really good position of about 8/9th from the front, for so long, but now that we're getting into the dangerous/exciting bit, they are nowhere to be seen.

BMC now displace GreenEdge at the front, they have brought Gilbert up and he's looking comfortable, for the first time this year. David Harmon says something like "Hmm, that's interesting."  I hope that he means that it's interesting that Gilbert appears to be improving his form as the race progresses, not "interesting" in a "what is he taking to make him suddenly improve" sort of way.   The main peloton has now shrunk to about 20 riders, and I can just make out one Leopard: and suddenly we are getting a name check for the entire team, for no apparent reason. However, we are grateful for this, much better than not being mentioned for the entire race!!

At this moment my second team, Sky, suddenly rise to prominence - Edvald Boesson-Haagen-Daas pings off the front in a surprise attack which gets BMC all in a flurry, ha ha ha! They have to really make an effort to get him back, over-stretching themselves -  it's a great tactic which works perfectly, as Gilbert now only has one rider with him. Edvald drops back into the group, and now Tommy Voeckler and Pete Sagan make a break.

LLB is jumping up and down on the sofa yelling "Are you mad? Don't let those two get away! Chase!" so it's a good thing he finished up all the cheesy biscuits, otherwise they'd be all over the floor by now. LLB looks at me. "What are you writing?" he says.  I raise my eyebrows innocently.

My word, it's getting exciting, I do hope that Blazing Saddles is still watching. Now Oscar Freire goes away, and I note that he's now riding for Katusha, so he's now a Dark Lord. "Who was he riding with?" I ponder, "Euskaltel?" "No, Rabobank" says LLB. Ah, orange kit. Well, I was close.

Sean Kelly is reminding us that the last 1200m is all uphill. They sweep under the 1km to go banner and turn left. Still on the flat. Er hem. Ignoring this, I can see there's a Leopard in the leading group - is it Frankie? Go, Frankie!   As we switch to the overhead shot, I'm amused to see writing on the road - "Andy" then "Frankie" then "Happy Birthday" all in the same writing. Memo to self, must find out what paint/chalk is used for writing on roads before ToB this year.

And there are lots and lots of Lux flags at the finish! Hey, Inge, where was yours? I looked out for it, but didn't see you...

So, as you all now  know, Gilbert made a brave bid for the line but just didn't have the legs, and faded out just a few metres to go. Why was I happy to see that? I don't dislike Gilbert - maybe I still bear a grudge for last year, when he sat on Andy and Frankie then pipped them for the win?  Or maybe I don't want to see another rash of same-person-winning-all-the-time. Well, for whatever reason, I'm a little glad to see Gilbert fading, then horrified to see Nordhaug being taken out and slammed to the ground by Cunego. Ouch! The only amusing point is when, from a different camera, we see them pick themselves up off the road, Cunego makes a very Italian hand gesture to Nordhaug, as though it were his fault! Huh!

Final results: Little Fab came in 8th, Frankie made 12th - no points, but well done Frankie - Andy came in 91st out of 145 finishers - 188 starters. So, at least he finished the race, well done Andy! *pats Andy on the back*

And finally, here is a Steephill pic of RaNT in action: