Musings from Another Wardrobe

Fabian enters the room, looking around furtively.

Fabian: "Psst! Where are you? "

The wardrobe door open, Frankie leans out, makes a long arm, and grabs Fabian around the neck, pulling him into the wardrobe.

Fabian; "Don't mess my hair, man. "  Frankie and Andy are sitting cross-legged on the floor of the wardrobe. Fabian joins them.

Fabian:  "Look, guys, what are we doing here? "
Andy: "You know what - it's the wind tunnel testing session."
Fabian: "But why - I mean, I'm the best Time Trialler in the world! "
Frankie: "Actually it's Tony Martin, you remember the Worlds, Fab? "
Fabian: "Yes, yes, I know. Look, I was flustered, ok? All this changing of kit, making sure it matched my eyes, and then having to change it again, and if we go to red, well, it just won't go at all, it was most upsetting, not to mention that I've been working like a dog all season as a super-dynamo-Domestique... " he grumbles for some time.. "...and anyway, I'm National Road Race champion of Switzerland -"
Frankie: "All right, all right, Fabu, keep your hair on. "

Fabian shakes his head back theatrically and runs his fingers through his elegantly tousled locks. They laugh at him.

Fabian: "Look, be serious, you know what I mean, I don't need to do wind-tunnel testing, I'm already fabulous at TT, everyone knows. "

Andy: "Yes, but Mr Bruyneel has this system, we all have to the special Wind Tunnel testing. "

Fabian: "But we've already done wind tunnel testing! Hours of it! "

Frankie pats him on the arm, sympathetically.

Frankie: "I know, but - "
Fabian: "I'll go to Sky! "
Andy: "Oh, Fab, shut up, you know you won't. "
Fabian: "I might. "
Andy: "You won't. "
Fabian: "They want me. "
Frankie: "Everyone wants you, Fab, there's no question about that. But you can't go to Sky, you'd end up being a lead-out man for Cav - you wouldn't like that, would you? "

Fabian pretends to consider the idea.

Fabian: "Cav won't go to Sky. "
Andy: "Fab, Cav's going to Sky. Everyone says so. "
Fabian: "Non. I - " (Fabian thumps himself on the chest) "..do not think so."

Andy: "Why not? "
Fabian: "He's making a big fuss about control of his image.. "

Andy leans sideways and whispers to Frankie "I thought that Peta was in charge of that!" Frankie giggles. Andy makes shushing motions.

Fabian: "Furthermore, " (he glares and Frankie and Andy) "...he's sponsored by Nike, so he can't go to a team sponsored by Adidas, can he?"

Andy and Frankie look at each other, eyebrows raised.

Frankie: "Errrr, no, I suppose there might be a conflict there. "
Andy: "A bit like Mercedes and Nissan, you mean? "
Fabian: "Shhh! Best not to mention it. I don't want to spend next year driving a Micra! "

The others both lean back in mock horror. Andy's elbow dislodges a hockey stick that was propped up in the corner of the wardrobe. [If you want to know why, ask Eva] It clatters to the ground, and they all look nervously around. Frankie opens the door a crack and peers out. It's all right, all is quiet.

Andy: "But anyway, look Fab, they'll sort out these contract issues, they always do. Cav goes to Sky, you stay with us, yes?"
Fabian: "And do more of this wind tunnel testing? Non! I am already fully tested and fully wonderful! "
Frankie: "I know, but apparently Mr Bruyneel has this very special wind tunnel testing, everyone talks about it."

Fabian: (darkly) "Yes, and I know what everyone is saying about it, too. "
Andy: "What do you mean? "
Fabian: "Oh, come on, you've heard the rumours, for sure? "

The other two look at each other and pull a face.

Frankie: "Well.... yes, there was some talk about it. "
Fabian: " 'Some' talk? A bit more than 'some' talk, for sure. You  know what they said. "
Andy: (nervously, looking over his shoulder) "You mean - PEDs, don't you. "
Frankie: (clapping his hand over Andy's mouth) "Shh! We don't say that word! "

Andy: "Pfff! Dude, where have your hands been? "

Frankie looks at him. Andy looks at Frankie. They both look at Fabian.

Fabian: "But what are we going to do? "
Frankie: "We damned well say 'No', that's what we do. I had enough trouble over that damned training schedule episode - " (Andy snorts with laughter. Frankie hits him on the arm) "...and I'm not going through that again. I've been clean all my life, I'm not starting now."

Fabian: "But how, exactly, do we say no? "
Andy: "We just say 'No, Mr Bruyneel, we'll do it with our own muscles and our own talent, or not at all.' That's what we'll say. "
Fabian: "But what if he says, well, in that case, get off my team? "
Frankie: "He can't do that, we have contracts. "

There is a pause. They look at each other.

Frankie: "Hmm, good point. Contracts not worth a damn, broken at will, I forgot. "
Andy: "Come on, if we said no and he tried to force us, we just say one word to the UCI and he is dead in the water. "
Frankie: "Yeah! Just one word! "

Fabian looks doubtful.

Fabian: "You think that would work? "
Frankie: "Of course it would! We're not Stagiaires,  we're all established riders. We're all Top Ten ranked riders, er, nearly all Top Ten ranked riders, " (the other two, currently sitting at 11th and 12th, glare at him) "...er, anyway, we are all valuable riders, he can't just throw us out, and if he tried, there are 20-odd teams out there who would snap us up like that!" (snaps fingers.)


Fabian: "Yes. Yes! You're right! YOU'RE RIGHT! "
Frankie/Andy: "Shush! "

Fabian leaps out of the wardrobe, a late beam of afternoon sunshine glints off his teeth.

Frankie and Andy, alone and quiet in the wardrobe, look at each other.

Andy: "What can we do? We're next, after him. "
Frankie: "I know. Fingers crossed, bro, fingers crossed. "

They produce a pack of cards and start playing Snap.

Time passes.

Suddenly the wardrobe door is wrenched open. They leap nervously. An apparition looms in - they recoil in fear. Who is it? What is it? Is it human?

It's Fabian. His hair is stiff and streaming back horizontally from his head. He looks as though he had been standing behind a jet engine at takeoff.

They look at him, speechless.

Fabian: "S'ok boys - it's just wind. Lotsa wind...."

So saying, he collapses face down into the wardrobe.

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And finally, as a blog entry without pics is a bit odd, well, it feels a bit odd to me, for anyone who hasn't been to Fabian's website, here's his front page:

Is it just me, or do you get a strange urge for chocolate?