Amstel Gold - Andy felt good!

Firstly, a terrible and shocking revelation: our local supermarket does not stock Amstel Gold beer.

I know, I know, how are we supposed to watch the race properly without the right beer? *laughs* So we bought some ordinary beer and wrote "Amstel Gold" on the labels in felt pen.

This race footage started in the usual way, with a quick look back at the start: there was the big red inflated air bridge, there were the riders, champing at the bit, edging forward over the invisible line, and there was the local dignitary with the tiny little gun.

Bang! He appeared to aim the little gun right at the air bridge, which could have been interesting, had the gun been loaded: Pfffffffffssssssssssssssss! and down comes the airbridge over the rear half of the peloton. Panic ensues as riders hastily unclip themselves, hand their bikes over the deflating bridge and scramble across. Some of Euskaltel are seen bouncing up and down on the last inflated section. A race official tells them to take their shoes off. Their DS tells them to put their shoes back on, and get back on their damned bikes, and get out there in a break.

The race starts, and to the utter amazement of our commentators, the sun is shining, it's not raining, it's not snowing, and if not actually warm, it's not absolutely freezing. There is some speculation that this could finally be the arrival of Spring in Europe, at long, long last. LLB and I look at each other: we took one look at the weather in England and decided to stay in and watch the race. It's not quite Spring in the UK yet.

Honorary Schlecklander Johan Van Summeren (JVS) makes an early break, and shoots out from the peloton, his back-hair flying in the wind. A couple of others go with him, including an Euskaltel Carrot, and apparently they get up to 11 mins out at one point, making it a classic TV-break.

Carnage! There is a huge crash, the worst sort - where several riders stay on the deck. There is a big tangle of bikes in the middle of the road, and Phillipe Gilbert is underneath it. He looks as though he wants to get up, but is pinned in place by the bikes. Riders are shooting off around the field to avoid the crash,  about three-quarters of the peloton go cross-country, and one Lampre rider is seen clambering back - bikeless - over the low hedge on the left. Did he do a header over the hedge? We replay the incident, but we can't see exactly what happened. However, he hops awkwardly over the hedge, presumably not wanting to rip his lycra in an embarrassing place.

The BMC mechanic comes running up with a new bike, but PhilGil doesn't seem keen to get on it.

Mechanic: *panting* "New bike, sir!"
PhilGil:  *pouts* "That's my second spare bike."
Mechanic: "Phil, get on it, get going."
PhilGil: "But I want my first spare bike, not this one."
Mechanic: "Mate, just get on it, we'll swap bikes again later but you must get going..."
DS: *on radio* "Gilbert! Get on the damned bike!"

Andy is one of the many caught behind the crash, he must have been well back as we then saw him chasing back on with PhilGil. Great to see him racing again! He looked good, lean and energetic, and he was keeping up with Gilbert who was really hammering along, using the car, the magic spanner, another car and a sticky bottle to get back up to speed. Andy just pedalled along behind him. (Cries of "Go, Andy!" from my direction. LLB gives me a Look.) We're fairly certain that Andy didn't crash, but he was just held up. David Harmon keeps referring to him as "Schleckie" which I find quite annoying...

The break, now sitting at four minutes away, contains a hitherto-little-known rider whose name is De Troyer.

De Troyer, singular? What a pity it's not plural, Des Troyer. Then he'd be The Destroyer. (much laughing from our sofa) It's slightly unfortunate that his first name is Tim, which does not really go with The Destroyer. Stijn would do it, or Thor - oh yes, Thor the Destroyer, great name. Tim? not so much.

We get to see quite a lot of the break, as the host broadcaster has a new camera which does super-slow-mo, and every so often we are treated to a super-slow-mo of JVS with his hair rippling in the wind. He lifts his hand - very very slowly - to his face: oh no, don't say he's going to blow his nose - and you know that cyclists don't carry hankies, they just block one nostril with a thumb and snort it all out, while turning the head sideways. Yuck! This could be the most revolting bit of race footage ever seen!! Thankfully the shot pans away - very very slowly, we are anticipating a stream of snot at any moment - and just in time, it moves on to another rider doing stretches. A  lucky escape, there.

Our commentators start a huge debate about brakes: did you know, one and all, that in Europe the left-hand brake lever operates the front brake, whereas in Britain and America, the left-hand brake lever operates the rear brake? No, I didn't think anyone else would be interested. Harmon and Magnus Backstedt, though, discuss this point for aaaaaages.

At this point we see two Sky riders hanging around at the back of the peloton: one is Josh Edmondson, youngster extraordinaire, on his first "big" race - a "baptism of fire" says Magnus - and the other is Vasil Kiryienka, super-strong domestique with the poker face and the legs of steel. He has blood dripping down his arm from the crash - ha! this proves that he is NOT a robot, as has been suggested.

Finally, the discussion turns away from brake lever set-up and our commentators start discussing the new style mini-aero helmets, the ones with the smurf-like rounded back. Harmon asks Magnus what he thinks of them. "Visually? Not so keen," says Magnus, "but from an aero point of view? You'd be silly not to."

Drat, that means we are going to be seeing a lot more of them.  This disappoints me, as I have always been secretly quite keen on vented cycling lids, they are so much funkier and better-looking than, for example, horse riding hard hats, which are the most horrible, unflattering, heavy, lumpy, bulbous, *runs out of words* horrible things. I have been hoping that if I ever get horses again, I will find that equestrians are now allowed to wear cycle hats...

News comes over race radio, Tommy Voeckler has broken his leg. Huh? We all hope not.

JVS and his accompanying Carrot, Mikel Astarloza,  break away from their break, as they head up the longest hill on the circuit. David Harmon comments that this shows the difference between the riding at ProTeam level and at ProContinental level, as none of the others can keep up with the two ProTeam riders. The IAM rider struggles manfully, however, and finally manages to catch them.

Talking of IAM, I wonder if they are going to go for Pro status next year? There have been rumours for some time that Cancellara, our Lovely Leopard, will be moving to them, as his contract expires at the end of this season, and of course they are a Swiss team, so it would make a lot of sense. But only if they were a Pro team. From their point of view, even if Fabian doesn't ride another race this year, they would still be able to get Pro status on his points - assuming all else is in place, of course - so I guess that there is a real possibility that a deal might be made. Only time will tell.

Crikey, another big crash, and this time a Vacansoleil rider finds the only body-sized muddy puddle in the whole of the area, and lands full length in it. He rises, dripping mud, and clearly unhappy, but he gets back on his bike. Rodriguez, on the other hand, looks as though he has done some damage - he gets back on his bike but he is barely turning the pedals, and is rubbing his knee. It does not look good.

More bad news, we hear that there are rumours that Andy has abandoned: later, after the race, we find out that he was involved in the second crash, and hit the deck, then punctured, and just couldn't get back on to the peloton, so he gave up. But he was upbeat about it, saying that despite sore ribs from being whacked by the bars, and some lost skin, he is not hurt, and he was feeling good. But that all comes later.

Back in the race, 32k to go, and Mikel Astarloza, the Carrot, has broken away from JVS and the IAM guy, and is making a break for freedom. There's a very small peloton, no more than about 25, chasing them.

At this point we hear that Voeckler, according to a Twitter comment attributed to L'equipe, has a fractured shoulder. We shall see.

Suddenly,  Team Sky are being accused of not doing anything, as they have not come to the front and taken over the race, as they normally do. Whaaaat?? Speaking as a Sky fan, it's a bit much to have this criticism thrown at the team, when for the entire season so far we've heard nothing but moans about Sky monopolising the races. Sigh. We haven't seen much of Sky at all, other than Vasil and his blood, Josh looking slightly over-horsed, and Eddy Boassen-Hagen *bites tongue to resist adding "Daaz"* looking under the weather, and a bit chunky.

More news, Voeckler now has a broken collarbone. And this time it's definite. So much for L'equipe, so much for Twitter, ha! At least a broken collarbone is - and this is Magnus talking, not me - only 2 weeks off the bike.

At this point I'm struck once again by the lack of Lux flags: all last year, they were nowhere to be seen, as Andy wasn't racing.  Somehow the Lux ensign has become very much Andy's Flag, and it's been very sad not seeing them for a year.  I had high hopes that now that Andy is riding again, they would be out in full force, but it seems not.

Getting back to the race coverage, we are following the leading Carrot, and I clearly hear someone in the crowd shouting out "Go, Mikel!" as he is nearly caught by the chasers. I'm impressed that a spectator knows which rider it is - LLB suggests that he might be listening to the radio, or following it on the internet.  Or he might be a huge Eskaltel fan - I'm sure that I could spot most of the Leopards as they approached. I wonder if it's distracting, to have someone call out your name like that - or are they so focused on racing that they don't hear what's going on around them? At the final day of the Tour of Britain two years ago, LLB and I had a list of the ITT riders in start order, so as each one swept past us, we shouted out "Go!" and their name, whatever it was, and of course none of them took the slightest bit of notice of us - wouldn't expect it, really.

Ass-t'na join in the chase - Jakob's in the race, apparently, but we haven't seen hide nor hair of him, nor has his name even been mentioned, boo, shame. At least Andy still gets a few name checks...

At 10k to go, the chasing group are only 8 seconds behind - and by 6k, Rider Hesjedal (as opposed to his father, DS Hesjedal, or his brother, Mechanic Hesjedal) pings off the front, followed by a solitary Shack rider. For a moment, hope rises in our breasts (that's me and the Schlecklanders, not me and LLB) that maybe Andy hadn't abandoned after all: but no, it's Ben Hermans, drat.

At 2k to go, Gilbert attacks, presumably now on his number one bike: but he can't catch Stinkoff's Kreuziger, who is no doubt desperate to get some UCI points for his team. I don't know what Uncle Bjarne was playing at earlier this year, but he seemed to have forgotten that Contador's points won't count towards Pro-Team status at the end of the year.  Bjarne kept putting Conti in as race leader, and allowing him to just go ahead and win points, instead of telling him to super-domestique for other team members, to the extent that last week, Stinkoff had 126 points, putting them comfortably about 6th from the bottom of the table, except that all but 2 of those points were from Contador, and therefore won't count at year end. With just two points? Last.

Maybe Uncle Bjarne suddenly realised this? For whatever reason, Kreuziger did a great job and won 80 points, putting Stinkoff up into 9th position, or last-but-one without Contador's points. But the season is yet young. And where are RadioShambles? Oh, they're ok, sitting second, thanks to Fabian's contribution.

So, the race was over, despite the lack of proper Amstel beer: in the tent where the podium riders go to get changed and primped ready for the presentation, we were greeted with the usual hard-to-watch spectacle of a knackered rider having his jersey peeled off, and the wet towel applied, while microphones and cameras were shoved in their faces for interviews: honestly, guys, we can wait a couple of minutes. Let them get cleaned up in private, please?  Today it was weirder than usual, as behind the row of three chairs were four or five Amstel Gold Lovelies, all in uniform -no, proper skirts, not the silly beer-mat ones -  all standing with their toes turned out and one hand on hip, just like proper modd-ells, and each with a pure white fluffy towel draped over one arm. And a fixed smile in place, as though to tell us that they actually can't see the sweaty cyclists stripping off their kit and mopping their bodies right in front of them.  Weird.

Final word, from the winner: the interviewer asked him to tell us about the final climb. Kreuziger replied "I hear only the people who call my name and I do my best."

They do hear us shouting! (Cries of "Andy! Andy! Go, Andy! We Believe In You!" from all Schlecklanders)