Dauphine - day 1

Having been disappointed with the total lack of TV coverage of the Tour of Luxembourg, I was happy to find that we've been given hours and hours of the ITT stage of the Dauphine - then I found out that the only reason for the scheduling was in the hopes of getting viewers "hooked" before the football coverage started. Still, who cares, all coverage is good!

It was a shame not to see any of the Tour de Lux, but LLB reminded me of our hilarity at last year's TT, when all we had was a static camera somewhere near to the finish line (but not close enough to actually show the finish) which was very poor quality, and appeared to be a cctv camera. It had a very limited swivel action, and rather unfortunately there was a woman with enormous breasts who had chosen to stand just within the sweep range of this camera, so it looked as though whoever was operating it was completely fixated on her massive frontage, and not very interested in the cycling.

Dauphine - much better, proper cameras, and lots of coverage.

I did like the "Tube" as they called the tunnel - very extravagant, with lights and moving pictures, although if I walked along it, I might be a bit concerned by the "portholes" showing fish and other underwater scenes. Oh, all right, I admit it, if I lived there, I would be unable to resist taking a felt pen along and adding fake cracks around the portholes... LLB commented that it would be an ideal place from which to watch a TT, as it wouldn't matter what the weather was doing!

Just as our coverage started, David Millar was setting off, and apparently this is going to be his last season. I thought at first that he was wearing a water bottle strapped to his tummy, in the style of Frankie, but I think he was just breathing deeply. Bumfluff (Teej Van Garderen) had already gone, so I wasn't able to make rude comments about his chin coverage, but I could certainly make comments about Cunego, who was riding bow legged and looked terrible, especially as he did a "fifty-pence-piece" corner on a nasty hairpin, avoiding what looked like an oil slick covered in sand on the road. Our commentators mentioned that a car had just leaked either fuel or oil over the road, which must have caused a major panic for the organisers.  They seemed to think that he was really pushing on, but I was not convinced: and as it turned out, he came in over a minute down (on a 10k TT!) so I think I was right.

The alleged controversy over Wiggins and the Tour continues to rumble on, but having checked the cycling news, it's all just media hype; Team Sky don't seem to be bothered, they are making the usual insulting tweets to each other (Ian Boswell has started a campaign "Luke Rowe For The Tour!") and nice Sir David Brailsford has been forced to issue a statement saying that  he has not yet announced the Tour team, so it's a bit premature to suggest that Wiggo will not be riding it. *sigh*.  Personally, I think Wiggo started the issue, simply by being who he is - he has an unfortunate knack of saying things that come out the wrong way (assuming that he does not actually want to be considered an arrogant, aggressive, un-co-operative little weasel), and the media do love to jump on everything he says.

Eventually our commentators get back to the job in hand, just in time to see the lovely Jakob take the start ramp - he even manages to look good in the Ass-t'na onesie pyjama suit, but where is the visor? He is at least wearing wraparound glasses, but no visor? Surely with all that attention to  aero clothing and hats, someone would have pointed out the beneficial effect of smoothing out the eye sockets? At least he doesn't have the word Latex printed across his shoulders, as the poor Omega Pharma Armbands guys do.. makes me laugh every time! Properly speaking, it's "Latexco" and apparently they make memory foam mattresses, but honestly, it just makes me snigger: I always think of Mulder in X-files saying "Come on Scully, you know you love to snap on a latex" and the Look that she gave him...

After a very precarious and unprofessional hand-over to Eurosport international, we see Ryder "Doper" Hesjerdal - there's something about him that is so ungainly on a bike, don't you think? He always looks as though his bike is too small for him. I assume that Garmin have had him properly fitted for a bike (they are a pro team, after all) so I can only assume that his bike fits him from the waist down, but his upper body is too long and out of proportion, giving him that bow-legged elbows look. He goes round Oily Corner looking somewhat like a daddy-long-legs on a bike. Not pretty.

Ah, Cofidis! How nice to see that red and white off-the-shoulder kit again! I'm really not sure about the seriously old-school full aero pointy helmet though, especially as it's bright yellow. Old stock? Left over from the glory days of leading the team competition? Stinkoff hand-me-downs? Who knows.

Carlton Kirby, commentating, is suddenly referring to riders leaving the start ramp as "de-ramping" which makes them sound like some sort of cargo being  unloaded. Not so silly, actually, as we see Jensie thundering round the course, heading for the finish line in the unstoppable juggernaut style that we have come to expect. He's out of the saddle, he has his teeth out, and he's pedalling ferociously, putting in much more effort than many other riders. Go, Jensie! Meanwhile Pozzato and his moustache - given only 3 out of 10 by Carlton - de-ramps, and is then seen taking the inside line around Oily Corner, causing several of us to make that sharp intake of breath through the teeth: both LLB and I did it, and I think I heard Carlton do it, too.

Sky's top robot domestique, and Schlecklander pet Vasil Kiryienka, does a cracking ride and pushes himself into the top 5, which makes me jump up and down and wave my home-made Sky flag - that's an amazing ride considering he's not a TT expert.

At last we are on to the final few: Nibali and his nose-strip (but no visor) head off, and Conti takes the ramp, looking very flustered and fiddling with the back of his enormous aero helmet. Maybe he had to snatch it back off the Cofidis guy and slap the Stinkoff stickers on it. He appears to be wearing a low scoop neck skinsuit with no zip, making me wonder just how stretchy lycra really is. Could it be possible to wriggle in via the neck hole? He's pretty skinny, of course, but is a zip really that non-aero?

Froomey does a good start, he's last to go, and we are pleased to see that he remembered to remove his nose plugs this time.

Ah, a back view of Contador - his skin suit has a short zip running down the back. Huh? That seems odd: either he put it on back to front, or they've developed a skinsuit which requires two people to get into, as it seems to lack that long swinging tag that wet-suits have...

Froomey takes the wobbly inside line at Oily Corner just as our commentators are jumping up and down with excitement to tell us that Nibali is fastest at the split point, faster than Conti, and Froomey. Apparently he hasn't learned to do the negative split, though, and finally comes in at 8th place, while Froomey zooms home to win by the "massive" margin of 8 seconds. Not massive in race terms, of course, but in the context of a short TT where the top ten were separated by only 6 seconds before he arrived... in that context, phenomenal! Go, Froomey!

So, there we are, Dauphine under way, and hopefully it won't be full of broken limbs and non-aero stretchy bandages, as the Giro of Destruction was. I was hoping to follow the Tour de Lux via the Trek Factory Racing website, but I gave up as it's the crappiest, worst website I have ever encountered, worse even than the RadioShambles one, which was pretty bad. I have counted how long it takes each page to load, and some of them take 14 seconds!! In this day and age! I have been forced to check the SkodaTour page for the results, and I can see that Frankie came 9th, 56 seconds down on an 18 hour race: Andy came 50th, 14 minutes down, out of 65 finishers. Not a stellar performance, but I'm happy to see that he finished the race all in one piece!