"Andy who?"

While watching Pari-Nice, LLB said a cruel and painful thing: he commented that people who have only discovered pro cycling in the last couple of years will have no idea of who Andy Schleck is.

Now, before you all start shrieking, throwing things at the screen and demanding that I throw him roughly to the ground, it's a fair comment, and must be a bit confusing for new fans, that the commentators keep mentioning him, now that he's racing again, but he doesn't - from their perspective - seem to have been in any races in the last year or two.

Just wait until he starts winning races again!

Talking of Paris-Nice, Day One started with nothing but comments about TeeJay "Bumfluff" Van Garderen and his stomach problems. "He was alright at the sign-on" huffs one commentator, indignantly. As though he had left the race for no good reason. Rob Hatch then said "maybe it was bubbling up earlier". EEuuw!

The race coverage starts, and Andy is clearly visible, right at the back. He's next to an Ass-t'na rider, wonder if it's Jakob? Are they having a chat, do we think? I'm not at all sure that it's the right place to be, all it takes is one crash and he'll be losing time. Oh well, he's the professional, I'm sure he knows what he's doing.

Also at the back is a Sky rider with no numbers at all - how odd, I thought they were penalised for not displaying them, and it's not as though he has a rain jacket on. I'm also a bit vexed today that half of Team Sky are wearing helmets that don't have the blue stripe up the middle. Come on, guys! We need all the help we can get to distinguish the black-clad teams this year!

At 27k to go, there's a big crash. Where's Andy? I can't see him, and I haven't seen Frankie at all so far. Fingers crossed that they are not involved in it, or caught up in. Luckily I am distracted by the fuss the commentators are making about Sky's decision to send Richie Porte out to Tirreno instead of Paris-Nice.  They were lucky that Sky even considered sending Porte to Paris-Nice, after they organised a route that simply does not suit him at all.

21k to go, and there is another crash, blimey, it's as bad as the early days of the Tour! I am a great believer in Prologues, and I think they made a mistake not having one here, as no-one knows what they are doing. There's no sign of Andy, so either he has heard me complaining about his position and has moved up, or he's dropped out! Hopefully, not the latter.

Ah, our commentators - in between going on about Bumfluff and his digestive problems - tell us that the crashes have caused two big splits, and it looks as though both Jakob and Andy are in the back group. Well, as long as they have merely been held up, rather than hitting the deck, I will be happy.

Another distraction from the over-enunciating Rob Hatch is his references to "Toe-mah V'klare". Who? Ah, Tommy Voekler appears on screen. Must be him, then.

It's 5k to go, the leadership keeps changing but it's hard to tell as everyone is wearing black kit. We spot Thor Hushovd in the second group, looking well fed-up with everything.

Meanwhile the Sky train has evaporated, and G, in his distinctive spazzy sunglasses, tucks in neatly behind a Cannondale Chipmunk. Alas, it was a bad choice, as the Chipmunk goes the long way round a roundabout. Oops. Meanwhile, Giant have a superb train going, they are thundering along at a terrific pace, the last guy looks over his shoulder for Degenkolb - where is he? They've lost him, the fools! They've been leading out no-one at all! Total disintegration of the train, riders scatter all over the road, total chaos, and Nacer "Wobbly Rider" Bouhanni gets it. Which is not bad, considering the blood all over his knee.

Day two starts off badly for us, as power cuts in the UK mean that the recorder's clock reset itself, and instead of getting all the coverage, we only get the last 45k. My first sight of the race is Andy's rear, at the back of the peloton, and the commentators making rude remarks about us all getting accustomed to seeing him there.

Huh! *huffs indignantly*

For a start, at least he's racing, not dropping out: for a second, this is just a training ride, even though he has the number 1 on his back. I have no idea why Trek did that, seems a silly thing to do as it will inevitably focus attention on him. And for a third, we all know that Andy and Frankie are only interested in le Tour!

Personally I am very happy that he's right at  the back, because then I get to see him frequently, rather than him being lost somewhere in the mass of the peloton, as Frankie is.

Just as I am thinking this, Andy shoots forward into the back of the peloton. They show it again, in slow motion. Very kind of them, but I have no idea why... the commentators are telling us that Andy was fined 200 Swiss francs for "going off course" in yesterday's race. Guess we didn't see that bit... and I don't see the relevance between that, and Andy going in slow-mo round a corner.

Suddenly we are hearing a discussion about the "rider who slid out" not being hurt. What rider sliding out? We rewind, and watch the bend again. There's Andy, making up speed on the corner, becoming part of the peloton instead of dangling off the back. No sign of riders sliding out. Puzzled, we rewind further, but there aren't any corners. We come back to the now-familiar slow-mo corner, and there he is! There's a rider in the ditch, and I'd been so busy watching Andy that I'd failed to spot it altogether. Luckily, LLB hadn't seen it either, so he couldn't insist that I needed to go back to Andyhab.

At 28k to go, Andy's off the back a bit, and puffing: but again, after a year of not seeing him ride at all, (that is, no tv coverage) it's good to get a chance to see him in action. I think he's looking good: looks lean, but not skinny: pedalling nicely, actually, fluid, unstressed looking: ok, shame he's right at the back but if you don't plan to go for GC, then why not?

At 11k to go they're lining up for the sprint, and we see O'rica coming to the front. They clearly want to copy Sky's unvented helmets, but don't have the budget, so they appear to have had hat-covers made to cover up the vents. They are printed in team colours, but unfortunately they make their heads look like round beach balls, so it's hard to take them seriously.

10k to go and we're laughing at a rider who did a very neat but enormous bunny-hop over some road furniture -oh! it's Andy!  At that very moment there's a huge crash,  Andy slips fairly smoothly through the confusion, but Gianni Meerkat is on the deck and looking pained. Ah, this must be the famous "fine him for drafting" incident that I read about in the cycling press.

Talking of which, does anyone know what's happened to Velonation? It was always my cycling news site of choice, but it seems to have died a death, with no new reports since Feb 23rd. I'm having to read Cycling News now, and it's a right pain, what with all the jiggling banners etc.

Anyway, from now until the end all we get is Meerkat drafting, Meerkat drafting, Meerkat taking a hand sling, etc. And yes, I can see why he was fined! There is drafting, and there is moto-pacing, and this was clearly the latter. And apparently it was all for nothing, as he was withdrawn from the race anyway? At least it takes the pressure off Andy, who tootles along and finishes safely, avoiding the big crash at 8k to go, along with the smaller crash as a Dark Lord takes out another rider as they take the final bend.

A quick check of Steephill TV confirms that Andy is still in the race (yay! Go Andy! ), sitting in 132nd position, 23 mins down: Frankie is doing much better, 42nd, 1min 39seconds down, and Jakob is 6th, a mere 13 seconds down! Go, Jakob!

I might even take a sneaky peak at today's stage, if I can find a half-way decent stream to watch...