Tour de France 2017: Team Presentation

Yay, it's Tour Time!

Yesterday we had the Team Presentation, a somewhat sadistic ritual where every rider has to be presented to a small crowd in the town where the Tour is going to start that year: instead of resting and preparing for the ordeal to come, they have to put on their smiley faces, pedal their bikes onto a stage, answering inane questions from hyperactive hosts ("So tell me *glances at notes* Eduardo, what are your aims for the next three weeks?"   Answer - we're here to try to win the bloody Tour you fool, what do you think?) then pedal off again. A whole wasted afternoon or evening, for a 30-second appearance. I often wonder what they think about it.

In past years, these Presentations have become increasingly lavish, with teams being delivered to the stage by small boats (hanging over the side throwing up), having had to cycle over a sandy beach (stopping for punctures along the way), being entertained on stage with cirque du soleil, or having to watch, mystified, as the curtain of water attempts to spell out their team names (diabolically clever but half the time it didn't actually work...).

This year we start in Dusseldorf, which should have been a fantastic celebration of the fact that Germany is finally getting back into pro cycling, having withdrawn from the scene in disgust in 2012 after a series of doping scandals.

However, they picked a location on the river - which all sounds very nice, but meant that the majority of the non-close-up coverage showed a very ordinary outdoor stage, the type they throw up in parks for amateur bands and fundraisers,  with nothing behind it other than a few industrial buildings in the far distance. OK, not helped by the fact that it was a nasty grey day... but the setting was far from beautiful.

This time the riders were funnelled into the stage "along the Rhine" which again sounds nice, but of course the pathway was well below the parapet height, so we couldn't see the river at all.

To create some interest along the way, the organisers had set  up a series of extremely cheap tableaux, consisting of people in costume standing on white boxes. These were supposed to represent the great and the good of Dusseldorf, apparently: some historical figures that we had never heard of, some dummies in red jumpers representing the pop group Kraftwerk, of whom we have indeed heard: a Japanese geisha ("why? why?") and some utterly bizarre cowgirls in black and white with frilly knickers, whose white box said Dusseldorf Karneval, and who valiantly strived to wave their arms and legs (and show off their frilly knickers) as each team rode by. Occasionally causing a bit of a distraction to the riders.

After this cheapest of the cheap entries, the riders swung up the ramp, and were greeted by the two hosts, one of which was the one and only Jensi! My, isn't he tall? I was slightly disappointed that he wasn't wearing a "Shut Up Legs!" tee-shirt, but maybe he didn't want to completely outshine the alleged presentation.  Like most riders, he speaks several languages which came in very handy for a team presentation, and he was surprisingly deft with the whole thing, up to and including the time when he started to interview the wrong rider, and had to be directed half way down the line up to the correct person.

Looking back at 2017 so far, for a moment, the running joke has been that the peloton consists of the Black  Team, the Red Team, the Blue Team and a few oddments. However, for le Tour, several of the teams have gone to a white kit, which is utterly confusing and perfectly pointless. Particularly when you consider that most of the National jerseys are white... and that there is a White Jersey to be won. Ho hum.

How many times, in these pages, have I said that there ought to be a Team Kit Officer who keeps details of all team kits, and has to be consulted when teams redesign or change? They would keep all details confidential, of course, but would be able to say, when approached by a team thinking of changing to, say, white, "of course you can change to white, but you should know that four teams have already decided to do so." which might allow teams to pick something different, before committing time and money to new kit.

However, the UCI seem to be ignoring my sensible suggestion, and have allowed a mass of white for this year's Tour, which should make the helicopter shots amusing.

So, who do we have in the Tour this year? Here's a quick run-through.

Giant Alpecin - sorry, Sunweb - are already mostly white, so they started the ball rolling at the presentation, followed by Fortuneo-Vital Concept ("shitsmall team") also in mostly white.

Bahrain-Merida stay in the Red Team: Wanty Group-Gobert (for whom I shall be rooting, yay! Go, Bears!) are in their usual dark blue, but are allocated to the Black Team for helicopter shot purposes. LLB and I like them in particular for their bright red bar tape, which makes them easy to pick out in moto shots, even when their kit looks so much like the other members of the Black Team.

Lotto Jumbo, who stupidly chose yellow and black as their team colours and have always been a bit too close to the Maillot Jaune, announced that in order to respect the leader's jersey, they have reversed their colours for the tour. So they now  have black bodies, and yellow shoulders and arms.

But oh dear, have they never watched any tv footage? When they approach, all you can see are those bright yellow shoulders and arms. Oops.

Horribly close to them in colour, we have Deerect Enerdhjee, the ones with the Hula Hoops on their shoulders. Definitely in the Black Team.

Also in the Black Team are Bora Hansgrohe, apart from three of their team who are wearing white: Petter "more fun than a jammy dodger" Sagan in his Worlds hoops: his brother Whatshisname Sagan in his Nationals white, and Marcus Berkhaut in his own Nationals white.

Talking of Sagan, what is he thinking?

Peter, mate, this is not a good look!

It looks as though his mum combed his hair back into a ponytail at the nape of the neck, tied it in a rubber band,  then hacked off everything below the band, leaving him with a bizarre longer-at-the-front girly bob.

O'rica Scott are, thankfully, still in dark blue, so they remain in the Black Team: Chaves (great-great-grandson of Quintana, who is 103 this year) made the most of  his big cheesy grin on the stage, despite being about a foot shorter than the host.

UAE slightly buck the trend, as they are officially in white jerseys, but they have black shoulders, so I'm not quite sure whether to allocate them to the White Block, or to put them in the Black Team. Might have to wait and see on that one.

Ass-t'na are keeping their bright blue and thankfully, are now in black shorts, so they are moving away from the Pyjama Boys look. Annoyingly,  the lovely Jakob is no longer Team Leader and GC hope, despite being in the form of his life: the utterly unlovely Fabio "Eddie the mad flat mate" Aru has been given the Tour leadership to make up for  him missing the Giro due to injury. The official line is that they are co-leaders, but you just know that Aru is thinking "right, I'll let him help me all the way, then I'll push him over a barrier when no-one's looking, mwah ha ha". It's particularly annoying because Jakob has just re-signed with Ass-t'na for another two years, having made noises in the press earlier this year that he was thinking of changing teams. And to add insult to injury, Ugly Aru has not yet re-signed, as he's asking for an awful lot of money (Euros 3k, I read) and Vino is not entirely sure that he's worth it. But has still put him in le Tour. Oh well, let's hope that he, Aru, does a great job helping Jakob for the first couple of weeks, then contracts an  unspecified stomach upset and has to leave. *sniggers*

Here's the lovely Jakob enjoying a giggle with former team-mate Jensi, and displaying a rather weird parting.

A parting, Jakob? Is this a new trend? What will it look like after having a helmet on it for five hours?

(Silly question: the answer, when dealing with Jakob, is invariably "it will look cool and stylish" no matter what he does!)

Actually I'm a bit worried that we might lose Jakob altogether this Tour, as his wife LouLou is due to give birth to their first baby: a month ago, Jakob said in an interview that it was due a week into the Tour, but they were hoping it would come early. I don't have any news as to whether it's arrived or not - anyone know?

We get an additional interview with Jakob a short while later, as Laura grabs him for a quick word. Amusingly, he refers to Chris Froome, defending champion, as "Froomey".  *laughs*

So, back to the Presentation: Cannondale Drapac roll  up, firmly in green, yay! and lead by Schleckland Pet, Pierre Rolland. Fingers crossed, Pierre! Next come Lotto Soudal lead by Gummy Bear Gruipel, and thankfully they are still in the Red Team.

Trek Segafredo - still smarting from the shame of having an EPO positive - roll up next, and have gone to mostly white jerseys. Right, stuff them into the White Block.

As a mildly interesting aside, our Eurosport coverage gave us the lovely Laura interviewing Ugly Aru at exactly the same moment that Trek took the stage, so we had to listen to him bleating on, while lip-reading the on-stage interview with Contador. It would appear that Eurosport think Contador is less important than Aru. Interesting...

Dimension Data are lead up by Mark Cavendish, recovering from glandular fever and not quite sure if he's going to be ready: they are mostly in the Black Team, apart from one infiltrator, Steve Cummings, who is in the white Nationals jersey. And, as he also won the TT at the Nationals, he will be in white every day! The big disappointment of this team is that Edvald Boassen-Hagen is, for the first time in many years, not in his super Nationals jersey which, like Belgium's one, is not a boring white jersey with coloured stripes on, but has the whole flag on it.

Cofidis are next, lead by Boo-hoo-hanni (with an incredibly stupid haircut), and all in red, so they stay in the Red Team, as are BMC

Then come Quick-Step, a long-standing member of the Blue Team, although I note that they have white shoulders - but I'm not sure if they just added them, or if I just hadn't noticed before...

The Dark Lords have abandoned the Red Team with their cheerful, high-visibility K on the back, and have gone to white jerseys. Another set for the White Block; check.

FDJ are an oddity, they are already half-blue, half white, so they get allocated to teams depending on which side the camera is. Except for the one in the Nationals jersey, he'll be in the White Team for most of the Tour.

Movistar are still in blue with the Wiggly Worm on it, but they get allocated to the Black Team as it's such a dark blue. Unfortunately they have brought along Valverde ("Anyone But Valverde") but there's always the chance of illness. Fingers crossed, eh? Quintana, oldest person in the race, is as impassive as ever: I wonder if he's had botox on that face? Trying to keep his looks, once he got past 80, perhaps?

AG2R (pronounced Aah-dhjee-duurs-air, as we all know) are already mostly white: Jensi interviews Roman Bardet and asks "So, you came second in the GC last year when you were only 12, what are you hoping for, now that you are a teenager?"

But they have an imposter - what's Philly Gilly doing in their team line up?

Oh wait, it's not him, it's someone else wearing the Belgian Nationals jersey, shock  horror! He gets allocated to the Black Team, anyway.

Jensi managed to interview Jan Bakelandts without referring to his offensive remarks about podium girls and condoms, which must have been a bit of a strain.

Finally, Team Sky arrive: they have abandoned the Black Team and have gone to white jerseys with the blue stripe - now almost invisible - down the back. As they cycle along the approach, Christian Knees is pushing Froomey: to those of us who watch a lot of cycling, it does rather look as though Froomey is taking a natural break, but luckily he is just filming. They are followed by a bloke in black on a mountain bike: hmm, either a very keen spectator, or possibly some low-key security?

Sky, too, have a Nationals jersey, but it doesn't matter, as they whole team are in the White Block anyway.

Chris Froome speaks briefly about how pleased he is to be back, as defending champion, but he's clearly not going to win again this year: just look at the length of his hair! One eighth of an inch is just sooo non-aero, I'm surprised he was allowed to grow it so long. He won't be able to climb with all that lot swishing round his ankles!

And that was that - possibly the cheapest, dullest Team Presentation every done.  Most of the riders were, disgracefully, on their mobile phones all the way through, including while on stage: either taking selfies, taking pics, or updating their status ("On Stage. LOL.") instead of paying attention and respect to the presentation. Could it get any worse? Yes, it does: a children's choir. Unmelodic, out of time, and then mercifully muted as Laura interviews Quintana.

Oh well, it's over now, and today we start real coverage - yay!