"On the Seventh day of Christmas..."

On the Seventh day of Christmas, the Quacktain gave to us:

"Looking cool in Oakleys"

"Relaxing with Jakob"

"It's a - KAN GA ROO!!!"

"Slighty dirty face"

"I'm with my bike"

 "Don't cwy, Uncle Andy!"

"And a picture of Andy and Jil!" 

What's that? They're not Oakleys? Like I care!! "Looking cool in shades" didn't fit the carol, nor did "Looking cool in sunglasses" so I went with Oakleys as being possibly the only make of shades as worn by the pro peloton that I actually know. When I say "know",  I do of course mean "have vaguely heard of" as I am simply not into labels, designer stuff etc.

Regardless, Our Andy is looking pretty darned cool in them. And kinda young!

It's the last day of 2014 today: not the best year for Eisen Andy fans, what with Andy struggling, being injured again, and then retiring.

I feel so bad that the career-ending injury happened in my home town, while I was watching (so to speak) and I feel even worse that, although we briefly breathed the same air, I didn't get a close eye-to-eye look at Andy as he sped past me along the Embankment on his we-didn't-know-it-then-but-it-was-ruined knee.  I saw Fab, which was breathtaking, and Kittel, which was less so, but I didn't actually see Andy's face. They go so fast! Whoosh! and they're away.. and so much depends which side of the peloton they are riding on at that crucial second. Ah well, at least I was there, I was at le Tour in London, I was present at Andy's last professional race. *sigh*

"On the Sixth day of Christmas..."

On the Sixth day of Christmas, the Quacktain gave to us:

 "Relaxing with Jakob"

"It's a - KAN GA ROO!!!"

"Slighty dirty face"

"I'm with my bike"

 "Don't cwy, Uncle Andy!"

"And a picture of Andy and Jil!" 

I always loved the way Jakob was just relaxing in the background, watching tv and not paying any attention to the interviewer.   Does anyone know what happened to Jakob's flat in Mondorf? Does he live somewhere else now he's with another team? Do they still hang out together?

"On the Fifth day of Christmas..."

On the Fifth day of Christmas, the Quacktain gave to us:

 (All together now:)

"It's a - KAN GA ROO!!!"

"Slighty dirty face"

"I'm with my bike"

 "Don't cwy, Uncle Andy!"

"And a picture of Andy and Jil!" 

Hooray for the Tour Down  Under, always good for a laugh, and  hooray for Our Andy, always prepared to smile for the journalists, no matter what ridiculous things they think up for him to do.

"On the Fourth day of Christmas..."

On the Fourth day of Christmas, the Quacktain gave to us:

"Slighty dirty face"

"I'm with my bike"

 "Don't cwy, Uncle Andy!"

"And a picture of Andy and Jil!" 

Cute, huh? Can't remember how long I've had that particular photo sitting in my "cycling blog possibles" folder waiting to be used... what with the injuries, and before that with the not-so-good performance, it just never seemed like the right time to include it.

So I'll include it here! Hopefully you are all still stuffed full of turkey and good cheer, and you won't mind seeing Our Andy with a filthy face!

"On the Third day of Christmas..."

On the Third day of Christmas, the Quacktain gave to us:

"I'm with my bike"

 "Don't cwy, Uncle Andy!"

"And a picture of Andy and Jil!" 

I have no idea where this park is, or why Our Andy (I am making the most of saying that, as at the end of the year he officially won't be "ours" any more, but will be a private person, and therefore printing photos of him and talking about his life won't be fandom but will be "stalking"...... ) was posing with his bike,  but it's from early 2013. If anyone know, feel free to tell us!

"On the Second day of Christmas..."

On the Second day of Christmas, the Quacktain gave to us:

 "Don't cwy, Uncle Andy!"

"And a picture of Andy and Jil!" 

Aww, *sniffles*  I always get a bit emotional when I remember this video, of the post-race Liege-Bastogne-Liege moment back in 2011, when Our Andy had ridden a good race but had not actually won it again, and he was having a quiet moment in amongst the hecticness, when Martine brought a tiny Leea over to him to wipe his face and give him a kiss. Remember?

"On the First day of Christmas..."

On the First day of Christmas, the Quacktain gave to us:

"A picture of Andy and Jil!" 

It's Christmas day, so I'm not seriously expecting any Schlecklanders to come here, but just in case... Happy Christmas, everyone!

In case any non-Shlecklanders have landed here, and are asking themselves "Who's the Quacktain?" then I have to admit *shamefaced* that it's me. 

It's a nick-name that developed a couple of years ago: I was promoted to Captain of the Schleckland Ship, or the SS Schleckland if you prefer, so I was Captain Coug for quite some time.

Here's my twitter avatar (right). Please note the Lux Ensign flying at the masthead!

Then, I can't quite remember how, there was something on Twitter about ducks...

.. and I made myself an avatar of a duck with photoshopped RadioShambles kit - left - and there was some tweeting of terrible puns about ducks and Someone (you know who I mean, Susan Figgy Change-my-name ) started calling me the Quacktain.

It kinda stuck.

Anyway, the Quacktain (that's me) sends the very best wishes to all Schlecklanders old and new, and to Andy and Tinkerjil and all the other Schlecks, old and new (!) and I hope you are all having a wonderful Christmas.

And no, I'm not actually sitting here typing at 8am on Christmas day, silly - I set the next few posts up in advance. I'm not daft!

Andy's writing a book!

Well, I know what will be on my Christmas list for next year - Our Andy has announced that he's thinking of writing a book!

There's a very welcome article on Cycling News this morning, in which Andy mentions that he has a job, but can't tell us about it yet - ooh, I hope he's going to be a commentator for Eurosport, wouldn't that be fab? He'd be brilliant at it (said she, loyally).

Seriously,  I have no idea if he'd be good at it or not , but I suspect that he would.  I was really impressed with Juan Antonio Flecha, ex-Sky rider, the one who got boomphed by the car at the Tour in 2011....

....here is the wicked moment, as if we needed reminding - Flecha was hit by the car, Johnny Hoogerland was catapulted over the barbed wire fence leading to 37 stitches and a new pair of shorts, and Tommy Voeckler kept on cycling.

Flecha popped up at a couple of races as a commentator, and he was really, really good! Nice voice, insightful, interesting, and at the end of the race we got some footage of him chatting, and now that his hair has grown long again, he had turned into a good-looking dude!

Anyway, if Flecha can do it, I think Andy would be even better: after all, he speaks four languages fluently, every rider in the peloton would talk to him, just think what great post-race interviews he would get!

Andy mentions that he was very depressed for a couple of months after retiring *sends virtual hug* but he's feeling better now, he's been working at the gym, and has taken up roller-skiing, and is now thinking about writing an up-beat book about the good times with Jensie and Stuey and so on.

That's a book I'd like to read! Lots of photos, please, Andy, lots of photos.

Stinkoff 2015 kit... meh.

*rolls eyes* Here we go again, first new kit for the new year - apart from the French Army camo kit, of course - and already they are falling foul of Auntie Coug's Don't Do It Kit Rules.

To remind you, these rules include:

1) Have a big distinctive logo on the top of the back for helicopter shots.
2) Don't waste anything on the stomach area as you can't see it when they are riding.
3) Ditto the back pockets, as they are covered by race numbers (Garmin, take note).
4) Print the team name in big letters across the tops of the shoulders, highly visible in head-on shots.
5) Scrap the asymmetric kits!! It's annoying!!
6) Put the rider name in big letters sideways on the near-side of the jersey. Not in tiny letters on the collar, we can't read those.
7) Put the sponsor name along the thigh - nice and clear. Have it heading downhill on the right leg, uphill on the left leg.
8) Remember the highest proportion of tv coverage is from a camera bike on the near side.
9) Watch some damn footage!!
and finally 10) avoid groinal emphasis - please! please! - and white shorts.

Stinkoff have failed on point 10, they have gone for the total groinal emphasis look:

Ugh! I hate this, it makes them look ridiculous and surely does nothing to bring new young men into the sport.

It's bad enough having to admit that you wear lycra to compete in it, without looking as though you are wearing a nappy.

Oh, and finally, to go back the the Auntie Coug Rules for a moment, kit designers should give some thought to national jerseys: it would be good if the UCI issued a ruling that national jerseys have to have some relationship to the team colour.

Although I really loved the Captain America suit, and I was pretty struck with the Team GB kit, I would really prefer that National jerseys were just a big panel with the national flag in it. Fabs looked great with the Swiss flag on his back, it was eyecatching and obvious, but you could still see what team he rode for.

As you can see, above, Stinkoff have given Sagan (and Valgren, Danish champ) totally different kits, and it annoys me to heck that they have made a gesture towards team solidarity by including the yellow leg bands, but they have failed even at that, because instead of one yellow and one blue (check the photo) they have given him two yellow bands. Why?! Why?! Consistency, chaps, for heavens' sake!!

*goes off to sit in corner and harumph about it for a while*

The new kit starts arriving...

Trek factory released some photos recently, including one of the riders being given their new kit:

Quite impressive, isn't it: neat piles of nicely folded kit, all spread out on tables, presumably marked by size.

I assume that they have already been given their "own" jerseys with their names on, and that this lot is leggings, casual stuff, gilets, gloves, all the rest of it.

The style doesn't seem to have changed, which is a relief in the sense that we already recognise it, and a disappointment in the sense that it's not that good a kit - the stripes are worthless (can't see them from any distance and close up they look like that bit under the chin of a whale, you know, the ones that circle underwater then come up vertically with a huge open mouth) the names are too small to be read on tv, and I really, really object to asymmetrical kit on the grounds that it means, in effect, remembering two kits for one team, depending on where the camera bikes are.

It's also worth repeating at this point that most footage is shot from the nearside, so listen to me, kit designers: don't put the "different" item on the off-side! We won't see it!

Getting back to the sheer quantity of stuff, it looks as though Trek are doing quite well - until  you see the pics of Team Sky taking delivery of their kit for next season:

I believe the word here is "awesome!"

French Army Team - conti - in camo!

This report made me laugh out loud, and proved a good antidote to the Ass-t'na doping fiasco: the French army have put together a pro cycling team and have been given a "special" Continental licence by the FFC (French cycling federation).

We're unlikely to see them, as they'll only be racing at Conti level, and we barely get all of the World Tour races on tv, but frankly we'd be unlikely to see them anyway, as their kit is - yes, you've guessed it, the title was a bit of a giveaway, wasn't it? - is a variety of dpm or camouflage.

(dpm is the proper name for it, it stands for something like Disruptive Pattern Material, ie it breaks up the outline of person, plane, tank etc making it less easy to see)

Here it is:

Hilarious, eh?

Once again, I have to say, do these kit designers never actually see any racing? Do they actually look at what they are doing?  The plain panels on the outsides of the thighs might well be there for sponsor names, but it looks as though each rider has a large black frog, or possibly a bull with big horns, sitting on his groin.

Not nice.

I don't know if it is accidental or not, these groin-emphasising designs, but it makes me quite uncomfortable (or makes me snort with laughter through my nose, disastrous if drinking while watching racing) and I don't think it enhances the image of cycling. I'd love to be able to ask some kit design houses about their choice of design, and their apparent disregard of visibility while the kit is actually working on a real body, on a real bike.

And please note the rider second from left, who is ruining the entire effect by wearing fluorescently bright orange shoes.....

So Astana scrape their way in, huh?

After weeks of speculation in the press, and more rumours than you can shake a spoke at, the UCI have finally confirmed that Ass-t'na are in, but Europcar are out.

On the one hand it's good that Ass-t'na are in the World Tour, as their team contains arguably some of the best riders out there - Contador, Nibali, Sagan, and of course Fuglsang - but it's a bit of a blow that they have not apparently even been punished for having two confirmed dopers on the team, ie the Iglinsky brothers, both of whom have tested positive for EPO.

Both of them have been sacked by the team, and it was hilarious reading Nibali's take on the situation: "I didn't have anything to do with them, they are stupid, I didn't train with them, I barely know them."

Great way to show team spirit, Nibbles.

As an aside, is it worse that the two dopers were related, or better?

I have rather assumed that it's a good thing - if the two brothers were "in it" together,  they could cover for each other, help to hide the stuff, maybe help each other to use it.  Doping is not something you can do alone, you have to buy the stuff, store it, hide the needles etc used to get it into your system, get rid of the waste products: this all takes time, and over the years I have come to realise that riders don't get a lot of privacy - remember that article, with pictures of Andy sitting on the stairs outside the room while his brother entertained his girlfriend? - so I guess if you decide to do it, you might as well rope in your family as accomplices, and presumably whichever brother got roped in to help, thought he might as well get the benefit?

But if it were two separate riders, that would (I think) imply that doping was more widespread. Possibly.  Either way, it's very bad for Astana, and not particularly helpful for cycling in general.

On the subject of "finding a silver lining" at least with Andy being retired, we won't get a wave of "oh look, both Iglinsky brothers were doping, that proves that if one brother dopes, so does the other, and as Frankie doped (Note: technically, Frankie did not dope, he was found to have a banned product in his blood but he still maintains he does not know how it got there) then Andy, being his brother, must also have doped" rubbish.

Sigh. At least we have been spared that.

And meanwhile, poor old Europcar didn't quite make it, due to lack of funding: they say "it was only a 6% shortfall!" but the UCI said it was a "substantial" shortfall: as always, we never quite get the full story from anyone. I assume that if Europcar were going to continue to sponsor (you will remember that they have just said they are leaving at the end of 2015), then the team would have found a way to make up the missing money, but with the main sponsor leaving, well, I can see that it would be hard to get the smaller sponsors to cough up a bit extra. This is such a shame, we shall miss Tommy "I Talk To Myself" Voeckler and his mad face-pulling. Presumably we'll see them in the Tour, but they won't necessarily be at any of the other races. Shame.

It look as though it's going to be a smaller peloton next year - only 17 teams applied for World Tour licences, and of those, Europcar didn't get it, so by my reckoning there will only be 16.

They are,  according to Cycing News:

Sky,  Ag2r La Mondiale, Astana -  come on Jakob, jump ship! - BMC Racing, Cannondale, FDJ, Katusha, Lampre-Merida, Lotto NL, Lotto-Soudal, (is it me, or is it daft to have two Lotto teams?) Movistar, Omega Pharma-QuickStep, Orica-GreenEdge,  Giant-Alpecin, Tinkoff-Saxo and Trek Factory Racing.


In the next few weeks we should start to see photos of new kits appearing, so I'll try to keep up to date on who is wearing what: and of course, soon after Christmas we'll have the Tour Down Under to look forward to!

Andy gets the Tour trophy at last.

In what must have been a bittersweet moment, Andy was invited to Paris a couple of weeks ago to be presented with the "giant fruit bowl" trophy for winning the Tour in 2010.

"Finally after 4 years"  he tweeted.

Presumably it took them that long to wrestle it out of Contador's arms?

Or maybe they had a new one made - after all, who'd want a trophy that had someone else's name engraved on it?

I think I'd want a new one, wouldn't you?

On the one hand, it's very annoying to have to wait until you have retired from the sport before you get the trophy... but on the other hand, when he was still racing, his view was always "I don't want to win that way, I want to win on the road, on the day" and we all knew what he meant.

But now that there is sadly no chance that he will compete at the Tour again, well, maybe it doesn't feel so bad to accept the trophy.

*whispers: Ugly great clumpy thing, isn't it?!*

I don't know who took this photo, but it clearly was not an official photo - quite apart from the candelabra sprouting out of Andy's head, there's a very amateur "red eye" dazzle.  But we don't care, it's good to see him off the crutches, and smiling.